Sunday, April 10, 2016

To Like Water....

Ever since I was little I have had panic attacks. I never realized that was what they were until I got older. My mom was always there at my bedside to help calm me down and stay with me till I fell asleep. Later on, I was diagnosed with a "nervous stomach", and I would get nauseous before a big test at school. Mom had it too, but hers was triggered by road trips in the car.

As I got older, my nervous stomach would be triggered by other things; new jobs, dates, performing on stage (but the marching band performances on the field didn't bother me one bit), road trips that never bothered me before, and so on and so on. It was so bad that I was on medication because I was so nervous about my pregnancy and the delivery!

But let's backtrack a bit.

I would get nauseous when I was nervous. About a year or so after my mom died, I became lactose intolerant and could not eat a thing made with milk, butter, and/or cheese. This was the blow I didn't need. Because it made me nauseous.

You say, "Well, nausea isn't that big a deal, lady." But it was for me.


Because I couldn't throw up. Yeah yeah, TMI, but its the truth. I would feel SO sick, to the point I couldn't handle it. I would eat the wrong thing, I'd get horribly nauseous. I would be in a nervous situation, I would get nauseous. But I would never throw up.


And that is what would make me panic. That feeling of not being able to throw up when you have to SO bad. I knew if I could, I would feel better, but I never could.

What does that have to do with water?

One night, in the middle of a horrible fit of nausea and panic attack, I made myself drink water. Gag on water. Fill my mouth with water and spit it out. Anything to try and throw up.

It didn't work.

From that day on I could not drink plain water without feeling sick.

It went on for years, not being able to drink water unless it had a flavor pack in it. When I started working in factories, that was all you could have on the floor. I about died. It was all I could do to make myself drink it, because if I didn't, the heat in the factories would make me even worse.

I became pregnant with Layna while working at a factory. At that point, I HAD to drink the water, for both her and myself. I tried to sneak in the white frosty Gatorade stuff, but that didn't work (they figured it out). I got to where I could only drink water if it was icy cold. Luckily for me, I ran a machine that dropped parts in ice water to set the material, so I could keep it cold in the ice water. And that's when I learned that Aquafina water tastes like dirt (which another pregnant girl at the factory also said).

After having Layna, I still couldn't quite drink it like I should have been. But my body was changing.

A lot was changing. I was more tolerant of lactose, and slowly could introduce some things back into my diet: mozzarella cheese, chocolate, even frozen yogurt....all in moderation. My panic attacks weren't as often. I still had them when I got really bad, but was able to work through them without my backups of phenregan and Xanax (except for one night of phenregan). The Zoloft I am on helps with that quite a bit (just not my anxiety).

Within the last few weeks, I have begun drinking water again. And it doesn't bother me anymore. I try to drink nothing but water, with the exception of oj in the mornings and either Hi-C, lemonade, or Sprite when we go out to eat (because water from fast food places is nasty). And I have a caffeine free Pepsi in the fridge for when I have an upset stomach, like today.

I am proud of myself for sticking with this and drinking as much water as I can. I even surprise myself when I sit down to eat lunch and I've drank almost the whole bottle before I even finish eating!

The next step is to eat a bit healthier, although that will be hard in a way because of my teeth, which are missing chunks and I have to stick to mostly soft foods. And to exercise more. Definitely need to start that.

And for the record....the only time I throw up is when I have a kidney stone, or when I was in labor. If I throw up, something is definitely wrong with me! At that point, keep the water away!

Wednesday, April 6, 2016


Who puts their cousin before their child?

Who puts their cousin before the person they are going to marry?

I sit here, every day, putting my child first. Everything is for her. Yet, he is out there playing family with his cousin. Being a "husband" to her and a father to her kids. Driving her around everywhere, doing everything for her. I get sick, I have to take care of my child. I don't have someone to take care of her for me so I can rest. I don't get to run away from my responsibilities when I can't or don't want to handle them. I don't abandon my kid and put other people before her.

He does things for them that he refuses to do for us. He is there for them when he could be here for us. He knows I have no one, no family, no friends to be there for me when I need them. He knows how hard a time I am having right now.

I guess I'm just not worth the time. I am not worth the effort. I am not worth anyone's love but my daughter's.

I am a horrible person. I can't even keep my daughter's rabbit alive! I can't seem to get a job, and if I did, I couldn't afford to pay for the daycare for someone to watch her.

I am a loser. Plain and simple.

In my last post, I said that I had lost my religion. I have. I believe God is up there. I just believe he is playing cruel jokes on us all down here. He's up there saying "Let me make them suffer, so that they will worship me, thinking I will help them." Why did he create us? So we would worship him. We are supposed to believe in him. I believed he would lead me the right way. I believed that he brought that someone back in my life when he did because it was meant to be. But it was all a joke. A joke to bring me down even further than I already was, to send me in a tailspin of suicidal horror.

The only reason why I am still alive, why I am still here, is for my daughter.

I have guys hitting on me only because they want sex and that's all. I am not worth any more than that.

My dad doesn't give a crap about me. My grandma is hateful and underminds my rule over my child. My mom's family has no contact with me, even though they know where I am.

My heart hurts from all the pain and anguish I am going through. My heart breaks from all the broken promises and lies. My self worth is gone. My self esteem never existed.

I'm not sure how I can keep going on......but I have to....for my daughter.