To Like Water....

Ever since I was little I have had panic attacks. I never realized that was what they were until I got older. My mom was always there at my bedside to help calm me down and stay with me till I fell asleep. Later on, I was diagnosed with a "nervous stomach", and I would get nauseous before a big test at school. Mom had it too, but hers was triggered by road trips in the car.

As I got older, my nervous stomach would be triggered by other things; new jobs, dates, performing on stage (but the marching band performances on the field didn't bother me one bit), road trips that never bothered me before, and so on and so on. It was so bad that I was on medication because I was so nervous about my pregnancy and the delivery!

But let's backtrack a bit.

I would get nauseous when I was nervous. About a year or so after my mom died, I became lactose intolerant and could not eat a thing made with milk, butter, and/or cheese. This was the blow I didn't need. Because it made me nauseous.

You say, "Well, nausea isn't that big a deal, lady." But it was for me.

Why?

Because I couldn't throw up. Yeah yeah, TMI, but its the truth. I would feel SO sick, to the point I couldn't handle it. I would eat the wrong thing, I'd get horribly nauseous. I would be in a nervous situation, I would get nauseous. But I would never throw up.

Never.

And that is what would make me panic. That feeling of not being able to throw up when you have to SO bad. I knew if I could, I would feel better, but I never could.

What does that have to do with water?

One night, in the middle of a horrible fit of nausea and panic attack, I made myself drink water. Gag on water. Fill my mouth with water and spit it out. Anything to try and throw up.

It didn't work.

From that day on I could not drink plain water without feeling sick.

It went on for years, not being able to drink water unless it had a flavor pack in it. When I started working in factories, that was all you could have on the floor. I about died. It was all I could do to make myself drink it, because if I didn't, the heat in the factories would make me even worse.

I became pregnant with Layna while working at a factory. At that point, I HAD to drink the water, for both her and myself. I tried to sneak in the white frosty Gatorade stuff, but that didn't work (they figured it out). I got to where I could only drink water if it was icy cold. Luckily for me, I ran a machine that dropped parts in ice water to set the material, so I could keep it cold in the ice water. And that's when I learned that Aquafina water tastes like dirt (which another pregnant girl at the factory also said).

After having Layna, I still couldn't quite drink it like I should have been. But my body was changing.

A lot was changing. I was more tolerant of lactose, and slowly could introduce some things back into my diet: mozzarella cheese, chocolate, even frozen yogurt....all in moderation. My panic attacks weren't as often. I still had them when I got really bad, but was able to work through them without my backups of phenregan and Xanax (except for one night of phenregan). The Zoloft I am on helps with that quite a bit (just not my anxiety).

Within the last few weeks, I have begun drinking water again. And it doesn't bother me anymore. I try to drink nothing but water, with the exception of oj in the mornings and either Hi-C, lemonade, or Sprite when we go out to eat (because water from fast food places is nasty). And I have a caffeine free Pepsi in the fridge for when I have an upset stomach, like today.

I am proud of myself for sticking with this and drinking as much water as I can. I even surprise myself when I sit down to eat lunch and I've drank almost the whole bottle before I even finish eating!

The next step is to eat a bit healthier, although that will be hard in a way because of my teeth, which are missing chunks and I have to stick to mostly soft foods. And to exercise more. Definitely need to start that.

And for the record....the only time I throw up is when I have a kidney stone, or when I was in labor. If I throw up, something is definitely wrong with me! At that point, keep the water away!

Why?

Who puts their cousin before their child?

Who puts their cousin before the person they are going to marry?

I sit here, every day, putting my child first. Everything is for her. Yet, he is out there playing family with his cousin. Being a "husband" to her and a father to her kids. Driving her around everywhere, doing everything for her. I get sick, I have to take care of my child. I don't have someone to take care of her for me so I can rest. I don't get to run away from my responsibilities when I can't or don't want to handle them. I don't abandon my kid and put other people before her.

He does things for them that he refuses to do for us. He is there for them when he could be here for us. He knows I have no one, no family, no friends to be there for me when I need them. He knows how hard a time I am having right now.

I guess I'm just not worth the time. I am not worth the effort. I am not worth anyone's love but my daughter's.

I am a horrible person. I can't even keep my daughter's rabbit alive! I can't seem to get a job, and if I did, I couldn't afford to pay for the daycare for someone to watch her.

I am a loser. Plain and simple.

In my last post, I said that I had lost my religion. I have. I believe God is up there. I just believe he is playing cruel jokes on us all down here. He's up there saying "Let me make them suffer, so that they will worship me, thinking I will help them." Why did he create us? So we would worship him. We are supposed to believe in him. I believed he would lead me the right way. I believed that he brought that someone back in my life when he did because it was meant to be. But it was all a joke. A joke to bring me down even further than I already was, to send me in a tailspin of suicidal horror.

The only reason why I am still alive, why I am still here, is for my daughter.

I have guys hitting on me only because they want sex and that's all. I am not worth any more than that.

My dad doesn't give a crap about me. My grandma is hateful and underminds my rule over my child. My mom's family has no contact with me, even though they know where I am.

My heart hurts from all the pain and anguish I am going through. My heart breaks from all the broken promises and lies. My self worth is gone. My self esteem never existed.

I'm not sure how I can keep going on......but I have to....for my daughter.

Lets Katsup!

When I first started this blog, my child was a newborn. I had no idea what I was doing. I was struggling to stay awake for the 2am feedings. I needed a creative outlet to put down my thoughts, questions, fears, and all around random stuff that was swimming in my brain.

I have missed that outlet. I have missed my rants and raves, my utter randomness, and my funny stories. I go back and read my previous entries and smile, laugh, cry, and wonder how I made it through the first year.

Sadly, there isn't a bottle anymore. My daughter has been with a sippy for a long time now, and due to my living conditions, my only "bottle" is one filled with water. There aren't any 2am feedings anymore, but there are daytime naps, early bedtimes, early morning wakeups, and the occasional insomnia nights where she's bouncing off the walls till 11pm or later.

Its just her and I now.....and my 91 year old Grandma. Things never work out the way you want them to, but as the old saying goes, I guess everything happens for a reason. We don't know what that reason is until it is revealed, and that isn't always immediate. And yes, it SUCKS. Quite a bit of it sucks, for that matter. Unfortunately, there's nothing I can do about it, so I am just along for the ride.

A lot has changed for me in two years, yet a lot has stayed the same. I've gained weight that I can't lose. I've had to endure court dates and the fact that Layna's dad wants nothing to do with her. I've become bitter due to the extreme negativity and hatefulness surrounding me on a daily basis. I've lost my religion. I've been lied to and had my heart broken.  I've even had bad luck with vehicles!

But I'm still here and still kicking. I have to be honest, though. If Layna was not in my life, I probably would have given up a long time ago. I live for her. Soon I will have to find a job, and pulling myself away from her is going to be so hard. I don't really know how I am going to manage, but I must.

For my daughter, who is my life.

I Love You

I love you.

Three simple words.

They can melt your heart. They can break your heart. They can make you smile. They can make you cry.

They can mean the world.....or nothing at all.

Some people say it because they genuinely mean it. Some people say it out of habit. Some people don't mean it when they say it. And some just don't even say it at all.

When my daughter says "I love you mama!" she doesn't know what it means, but she knows I tell her all the time, so she tells me. First thing when she wakes up next to me in bed, she says it. When I leave the room and she comes looking for me she says it. Actually, she tells everyone and everything that she loves them/it. She even hugs the car and says it.

My grandma will tell Layna that she loves her all the time. She never tells me.

My dad will only tell Layna he loves her if she says it first. He never tells me.

I've been in relationships where I was told those words and they didn't mean anything. They've been said many times so the guy could get what they wanted until they found something better.

I've had acquaintances roll it off their tongue like it was nothing to say to all their "friends". I've had family members say it in passing but never back it up with actions to prove it.

I love you.

Those three little words that are supposed to mean so much get tossed around on a daily basis with no true meaning.

If you truly do not love someone, with every fiber of your being, then don't say it!  Don't use those words for manipulation, to get what you want. Don't use those words with an empty meaning just because it's convenient, or everyone else is saying it. Don't lead someone on with empty promises and false hopes, only to dash as soon as you find something better.

If you do truly love someone, deep down in your heart, your soul, your every breath, then tell them. Don't hide it. Don't wait till it's too late. Show them in every way you can. Don't let them believe you don't care for them because you are too lazy to tell them or to show it.

I love you.

Three little words that can make or break your heart.

I'm Back With Randomness!

1) Happiness always comes with a price.

2) Don't we all deserve to be happy?

3) Having a rambunctious two year old is tiring.

4) Watching horrible adult cartoons on a Sunday night is NOT a smart thing to do with a two year old who is a mockingbird.

5) A 91 year old set in her ways is very hard to deal with!

6) Deadbeat parents, biological or not, should be shot. Its not about money, it's about being a good parent!

7) Sometimes I wish my daughter hadn't learned the word "Mama".

8) Don't say you are going to do something and not do it, or never have any intention of doing it.

9) Being a single mother sucks.

10) Sleep is VERY underrated.

11) I want to reread the Harry Potter series.

12) I am addicted to reading Amish fiction, and wish that (without the religion) I could live that way sometimes, in the more simpler life.

13) I can't end this on 13, just because.

14) I hope it snows at least one more big snow before the season is over. My daughter and I both love the snow.

15) Sleep is VERY underrated. (did I say that already?)

My Day

1) Before I'm even out of my jammies, the State comes knocking on my door telling me that if my landlord doesn't do anything about the septic leak in the back yard, they will take ME to court! It has been leaking for TWO YEARS and he hasn't done anything.

2) Get the new umbrella stroller out that I bought on clearance yesterday to put it together for our trip to the library. Its missing the front wheels!!!!!! Then I dug through nasty garbage to find the receipt.

3) Get to the library, print out my label to send the phone in that is defective. Talk to the library lady and she hinted to me that Layna was too young for the story time, that in a few more months she could come. (Called her a choice name under my breath.)

4) Learned we do not have a FedEx in town anymore.....I have to go to Murfreesboro to send off my phone.

5) Almost get hit on the way home. Twice.

6) Call my doctor's new office because I really need my Zoloft now....they don't take my insurance! So now I have to start all over....again.

7) Layna was fussy all afternoon, even at the neighbor's house.

8) Get a txt from my landlord. Jerk knows we didn't pay last month because Bugz didn't work much due to the snow-ice-rain, but that I was going to pay this weekend. He said the water department was going to shut him down if he didn't fix the sewer, and that if we don't pay him rent he will make us move. TWO YEARS he's had to clean that mess up and fix it, yet now it's MY fault and I'm going to lose my place to live.

9) Go to the powder room to...well, yanno....look in the mirror; the capris I am wearing, only one of two pair I can wear, have busted out at the front pocket. I am so fat I busted my pants and now only have one pair left.

10) Too stressed to eat, my stomach is in knots.

I know there was more....especially this morning after the State guy left, but I just have SO much on me right now I can't remember it all.

So yeah, I had a horrible day!

Justification

Justification does not replace confession.

Justification is pretty much an admission that you think your wrong doing is ok, or should be forgiven, because of your justification.

Saying "I did that because" is called an excuse. It doesn't matter what kind of excuse you make, it doesn't take the place of confessing what you did.

God calls us to confess our sins, not make excuses for them.

So you say, "Well, you know, I knew that cheating on my spouse was wrong, but he/she is so mean they drove me away. I had no choice." But you know what, that's only an excuse to justify your sin.

You may have confessed by admitting you did it, but then you tried to justify your sin.

There is no justification in sin, it's wrong no matter what the reason.

Look what happened to Adam and Eve. They were given specific instructions. They knew right from wrong. But Eve let the serpent tempt her. Adam let Eve tempt her. Their excuse? Blame it on the serpent, blame it on Eve. No "I'm sorry that I was weak, that it was my fault for giving in." Now I'm not saying that God would have forgiven them if they had just confessed without justification, but what if he had? Where would we be now? 

There is no excuse for sin, for doing the wrong thing. We all do it, every day.

Some things we may slip on, not realize we are doing it till after its done. That's when we say, "I didn't realize, I was caught up doing ____." When all we should say is, "I did that, I did wrong, forgive me."

Some things we know we do on purpose. I will give you some examples of my own that I have done and some I do still:

1) I had relationships with quite a few married men in my past (not anymore). I knew it was wrong, but what was my justification? No one else wanted me and they treated me 100% better than single guys did because they had to try harder to win me over (which sadly was true).

2) Pornography - Justification, as long as I was watching it I wasn't out cheating, and then it became imagining myself and my mate doing those things and not really seeing the "actors".

3) Pre-Marital sex.....so many justifications here! Everyone else does it. How will you know if you are truly compatible if you don't? No one will want me if I don't (sad, but true). I love him so much it's ok. (Please note that my child was conceived in sin, but I make NO excuses or try to justify what I did with him. It was wrong, I admit it and confess it, but the beauty for ashes was my daughter)

4) Cursing is a bad one for me that I still struggle with. Justification - "I'm sorry, God, you know I didn't mean it, I just get so mad and frustrated and it comes out before I can stop."

So now that I've confessed my big sins, let's analyze them.

Obviously all of them are horrible sins. There should be no justification for them whatsoever. No amount of reasoning, excuses, justification, can make anyone's sins acceptable, including mine. Instead of excuses, I should have just stopped and admitted what I did was wrong and asked, begged for forgiveness.

Once you ask for forgiveness, that doesn't mean you can do it again, either. I ask for forgiveness after the first affair, then go do it again, that doesn't excuse me from the next one too! When you know it's wrong, you quit.

Now, I'll admit, I still struggle with #2, and I wish I could justify it away, but I know I can't.

#3 I continue to do daily, even though I know it's wrong. After 8 years with the same person, it is hard to stop. But I can guarantee you that if this fall's apart, the next one isn't getting anything until I walk the isle, because that's the way it should be. (Notice my justification there?)

#4 is even worse, because when I get real upset or angry, or frustrated, I am like someone with Tourette syndrome, it pours out of me uncontrollably. Sometimes I can catch myself and say God Bless It, or Heavens to Betsy, or even use the words off of Sci-fi shows where they make up their own curse words, like Frack (from Battlestar Galactica). But nine times out of ten, I can't catch myself and it comes rolling out.

This is where intervention steps in.

Sometimes you have to admit you need help. Do not be ashamed to admit it. It is nothing to be ashamed about. With my anger and anxiety issues, I need to be taking a medication. I was tested to see which one would work best for me (and I was already taking it) so that is what helped me tremendously.

That said, I ran out of refills and my doctor moved too far away. I haven't had any pills in over two months, and it is showing. #4 is the worst, with every other word coming out a curse word when I get upset or agitated.

Now, technically this is not a justification, but a factual statement. A chemical imbalance in your body is something that can not be blamed on you, you didn't create it or make yourself have it, thus the reason you need to get help if you have a problem.

No, my justification in this situation is not going to the doctor. I don't go because 1)My doc moved too far away to drive to on a regular basis and 2) It is very hard to get an antidepressant from a doctor who doesn't know you or your history very well, thanks to all the drug abusers out there.

Instead of trying to justify why I won't go to the doctor, which would in essence almost eliminate #4, I should just go. I should just do it.

Now that we've covered quite a few different kinds of sins and justifications, lets get to you.

Take a look at your life. How many things do you justify on a daily basis? Don't lie, everyone sins. Greed, gluttony, lust, envy....bet you do one of those four every day, at least. Watching tv and saying, "Man that guy/girl is hot!" Or indulging in that extra piece of cake at the party (guilty!) Or how about seeing someone new car, house, or yes, even a new baby, and being envious  of what they have that you don't.

Think about those, then think about your excuses, your justifications. If you have to, keep a notebook of things you do and your justifications you use for them.

Do you see areas of your life you could work on? Are you things you can let go? Can you admit what you have done, or are doing, and ask for forgiveness without justification? And can you quit? Do you need help? Do you need a support group?

I admitted it, now can you?