Playing Catch Up

As Layna gets older, the harder she is to handle. She stays awake more often, she is crawling now (although still shaky), and she has to have me there with her all the time. If I try to leave the room, she starts bawling. This leaves me with not a lot of time to do much of anything. So needless to say, everything is falling behind. House needs cleaning, dishes need washed, and blog needs updating.

One thing that I can do is crochet, while I'm stuck sitting in my chair while she plays in the floor. I made Layna a black cat hat to match the Halloween onesie that her aunt Jessica gave her. I also made an orange one with a place for ribbon. Right now it has black Boo ribbon, for her black Boo-tiful onesie, but I also got pumpkins and a fall polka dot ribbon to change it out for other outfits.

I have been doing some bargain momma shopping again. I have been hitting the .50 Auction site on Facebook and getting quite a few good deals; got a Ralph Lauren romper for .50, a mirror to use for photos for $2.50, and a cute pair of pink and brown boots for Layna that I will be picking up this week for $2.00. As for yard sales, I got an umbrella stroller for $1.00, and I crocheted handle covers and two bottle holders for it. The lady that had it gave her a little pink fuzzy teddy bear for free, and I also got myself a couple of shirts for .50 a piece, a couple of DVD's for $1 each, and a case that I can use for my camera for .75. I went to an indoor ongoing yard sale and got a 1st Halloween bib and an Old Navy monkey costume for Layna, all for $4, and the lady gave her a free baby doll!

We've had some adventures and "firsts" too. Layna was in the baby show at the county fair and placed 3rd out of 20 baby girls in her age group. She was so pretty and did so good! She didn't get fussy, thank the Lord. Later that week we went to the fair during the day to see the exhibits and the animals. We ran into my neighbor/friend Karen and she held Layna while she pet a goat so I could take a picture. She wasn't afraid at all, actually reached out for the animals! She was amazed at the chickens and kept looking around as they clucked and cock-a-doodle-dooed. The rabbits she smiled at, and the one that Mr. Warren has out for the kids to pet she sat in front of and pet it for a minute. The last night of the fair we went to watch the mule events. At first she watched the mules, then she got captivated by the midway lights behind us and kept staring at them. We made our way to the midway and Daddy and I rode the carousel with her. We sat there forever before it started up, and she sat up on that horse, hands on the pole, like she knew what she was doing. Once it started tho, it went so fast I had a hard time holding on to her and keeping my balance, so Daddy had to hold her. She still had fun tho, and got to ride her very first ride at the fair. She also got a balloon that she was having fun playing with in the stroller.

I did something bold and daring yesterday and cut all my hair off. It actually is shorter than I wanted it to be because the lady didn't cut it the way I showed her in the picture I wanted it, she cut it a lot shorter. Its not too bad though, maybe today after I wash it and style it myself it'll be better. It will hopefully be a lot easier.

Its finally getting a bit cooler outside. Right now, at 7:45am, it is reading 51° outside, and if my thermometer on the fridge from Atlanta is working, it says its 60° in the kitchen. It feels so good! I can't wait till the days are this cool all day. Hoodies, jeans, sipping hot coffee (or tea), bonfires, hayrides, and dare I say snow this winter. Its funny, tho, that Layna hasn't really been growing, so all those winter sleepers and outfits I got at the baby shower that I had put away because I thought she'd be too big for I've had to dig back out so she can wear. They are 3-6 month outfits! She will be 9 months on the 8th.

Time sure flies. What is today again?

Wow is about all I can say......

I have had a lot going on the past few days. It has been more bad than good, honestly.

Where can I start?

Ok, let me throw this out. I dislike people who brag and/or lie for attention or their own gain.

It is more than ok to brag if it is in the proud category, for instance your child performs well in a play/concert/performance. Or if you have worked hard or studied hard and you got promoted/graduated. Stuff like that is perfectly ok to brag about.

But when you brag about petty stuff, rubbing things in, or even lying about something you are bragging about? That is just wrong, and if you are like that, I probably don't like you.

You are not special because you spend more time with someone. You are not special when you make things up and lie about it to make you seem bigger, more important.

On to the next topic.

I left my family church, my home church, not because of the people in the church. The church was my family. I grew up with all the older people, I bonded with all the younger people, I loved the little kids. I left because a hypocrite was in the head position. One who talks about people behind their backs, one who lies about the pettiest of things. One who says she loves kids but has a short fuse with them, you can see the look on her face when they start getting on her nerves.

A person in a Godly position like that should not be acting that way. I could not consciously sit in a pew and look at her, listen to her preach about things that she herself had said and done.

I thought it best to just put it behind me and move on. You can forgive but not forget, right? You can forgive someone for being the way they are, acting the way they do. But that doesn't mean that you still don't hurt from what they've done. Forgiving someone doesn't mean you have to accept them. Just like gay/lesbian people. You can forgive them for their lifestyle, but that doesn't mean you have to accept that they live that way.

That being said, we had two church members pass away in the last month, one just yesterday. And one of our couples lost their son within the month as well. One member found out she has cancer.

Hearing all this saddened me. It made me miss my church family that much more. It made me want to go back, to surround myself with the comfort of my old home church. I was willing to try and put aside my feelings that I had, for the sake of the church and so that we could start regularly attending church again.

Then came the voicemail.

Wow, was the tone of that voicemail snarky, smart alec, hateful!

I did not disassociate myself from the people of the church, I speak to quite a few of them. We keep in touch, especially thanks to Facebook. No, I just disassociated myself from the person that was causing me the most turmoil and grief.

I am glad that I got the call that Mrs. Odell passed away, but that "simple" voicemail, the tone of voice, and the implications that were made, just pushed me further away from my church. Yes, it is my church. I grew up there, there were 4 generations (at least) before me there. I feel empty not going on Sunday mornings. But I would feel even more empty, as well as angry, sitting in that pew listening to someone who has spoken ill about half the people in the church.

BTW, those last two subjects weren't about the same person. Two (or more) separate people and incidents.

I also know that I am opening up a lot of cans of worms, but I don't care anymore. Life is too short to worry about what others think, you have to do what's best for you and your sanity, your family, your life. If that means shutting people out of your life that cause you grief and turmoil, then so be it.

On to the next one.

I dislike my child's pediatric office. I love Jennifer to death, and Gretchen is great too, but as for the rest, they are rude, unprofessional, and just plain stupid.

Last time I took her to the doctor she was covered in a rash. Completely covered. The nurse was shocked and baffled, although she had her "guess" as to what it was. The NP comes in, or at least I assume she was because she never told me who she was, took a look, turned around and left, and brought three more people with her. They were all flabbergasted, had no explanation of what was wrong with her, said it was viral, and sent us on our way.

Now, I made a comment to them that I thought it might be an allergic reaction to some wheat cereal I had given her. They were quick to say that it wasn't. So I quit giving it to her for about a month.....until yesterday.

Today? She's breaking out again. I don't think its a coincidence. Although, we did get attacked last night by mosquitoes/chiggers and seed ticks. Which brings me to another issue.

90+ degree weather, a delapitated (sp?) old wooden house with no air flow through it, full of cobwebs, brown recluse spiders, red wasps, and decaying rats, front yard full of ticks, chiggers, mosquitoes, and fleas. Does that sound like a place you want to spend the evening?

I am all for helping clean out an old house, as long as its not hot like it was last night, and its cleaned properly. If it hasn't been used in 40 years or more, it needs to go. If it's covered in rat poop, 6" of dust, or falling apart, throw it away. It does no good to shift stuff from one place to another, that's not cleaning.

Now, I'll be honest. After seeing all the hidden spiders, being covered with seed ticks and bug bites all over myself and my baby, I really don't want to be in that house for Halloween. Brown recluse spiders are not to be messed with. Dormant wasps hiding out indoors when it's cool/cold outside can be disrupted, pissed off, and attack. I don't want my child in that. I don't want her to even be in the front yard anymore! Poor baby has 5-6 bites on her head, and I found a seed tick on her ear this afternoon. So no, it is not my idea of fun to be in an environment like that.

As it is now, Layna is supposed to be in the fair pageant this Sunday, and she's broken out, her head, arms, and legs are covered in bug bites, her nose is running like crazy, and her eyes are red and puffy, oozing out green stuff. I am praying that she will clear up by Sunday, or at least enough to be presentable for the pageant. But, like my friend Brandy said, its all about the money. So we're screwed. Haha.

I have a lot more topics and issues I could talk about, but I'll save them for another bottle time....or crying fit, which is what we've had pretty much all afternoon/evening. She is finally asleep, which means I should be too.

Cry It Out?

This subject is a big one for debate. There are those that believe you should let your child cry it out. There are others that believe they need to feel that comfort, to help them understand they aren't alone and feel safe.

Now, I am conflicted in this both ways. I agree they need to feel the safety, but I know most of it is about me; I hate to hear her cry, I don't want to put her down, I want to hold and soothe her.

I also believe they should cry it out. They need to learn how to soothe themselves to sleep, or they will never learn.

That being said, I usually don't let her cry it out. Why? Because at nighttime Daddy is trying to sleep, and although he says he never hears her, and he never gets up when she fusses, I still feel obligated to quieten her, especially since our rooms share a wall that is paper thin. So yes, when she wakes up fussy in the middle of the night, instead of a rub on the back and soothing words, I pick her up, let her sip on a bottle, and bounce her back to sleep. Rocking doesn't work, she likes to bounce.

This is not to say that I don't let her cry it out occasionally. There are times that I am busy doing other things, cooking, taking a shower, cleaning, and I put her either in her crib (while showering) or on the floor and she will throw an all out hissy fit. She will cry and cry and cry till she cries herself to sleep. I feel bad about it, but if I didn't, I would never get anything done!

So who's to say, really, what's right and what's wrong. Every child is different, they all have different needs, and as they grow those needs change. For instance, Layna now doesn't seem to mind as much if she has a blanket on her as she sleeps. Maybe its because she hasn't felt good, I don't know, but she will let me cover her with it now. Tonight she actually grabbed for it as I laid it on top of her while she was laying on her back. I tried to get a picture, but her hand is under the blanket, so you can't see it.

The blanket she's covered up in is one that my Granny Steel made for me when I was little. I think it was supposed to be a doll blanket, but it works perfectly for Layna right now, and it couldn't make me any happier. Granny Steel was a family friend on my mom's side. Her and her husband never had kids. We went to see her quite a bit as I was growing up. She made me all kinds of things, including a dress that I wish I could find, if my mom kept it.

When she passed away, there was no one at the funeral home but myself, my mom and dad, and my grandparents. I think one or two people straggled in while we were there. We did not follow the procession; I'm not sure that anyone did. I remember being upset that we didn't, and then especially later on when we rode past the cemetery during the graveside service and there was no one there.

Granny Steel was such a big part of my childhood, I loved going to visit with her. It saddened me that she had to go like that. She had been in the nursing home, only because of a broken arm and had no one to stay with her while she was recovering, and she slowly lost her mind in there. She told mom on her last visit that her sister had come to pick her up and ride her around town in the car. No one had come to see her. The nurses called mom when she died, they weren't sure who else to call.

So Layna taking up with that particular blanket, even though its small, means SO much to me.

And if I have to rock her to sleep at 2am wrapped up in it, then so be it!

Sunday Confessions

My confession this Sunday is a selfish one.

We drove to Kentucky yesterday for a wedding. A cousin of Bugz's. They had to have it in the old courthouse in their town, as their original venue canceled on them at the last minute. But you know, that courthouse, built in 1904, was beautiful. So much old character. In the courtroom it was as if you were on a movie set. Round room, balcony above, door to the stairs to the clock tower, old law books lining the balcony walls, candelabra light fixtures around the room downstairs.

They had the wedding in the lobby area downstairs. It was a very small affair, maybe 30 people. It was short and sweet. There was a reception and pictures afterwards, which was filled with a lot of fun.

Late evening we headed back home, making a pit stop in downtown Nashville and sat in a traffic jam on Broadway. We finally rolled in the driveway some time after midnight.

First I have to say I loved Kentucky. We went through a town called Adairville, right over the TN line. If I could uproot and move, that small town would be in the running.

Second, I have to say that it was a beautiful wedding. Beautiful ceremony, beautiful venue, great food, lots of silly string and shaving cream.

So what is my selfish confession about?

Where to start.

I have mentioned it before, but it seems to be making its way back into the spotlight.

Yesterday I watched a couple in love get married. Yesterday I watched a married couple have fun and pick on each other in love. Yesterday I watched a new couple get closer together and take their relationship a step further, holding hands, hugging and kissing, professing their love and having a fun time.

Then I sat alone on a bench. I walked alone upstairs and was gone for 30 minutes and not noticed. I asked for a picture and got a disgusted sigh. I did get lunch and a snack on the trip, though.

I never really got a proposal, it was a "Can we get married now?" during a moment of great sadness, and it was all about Layna. It wasn't for me, it wasn't about me, it was her.

We have been together, off and on, for almost 8 years. 5 years together, two broken up but still periodically together, then he has been here since Layna was born, 8 months.

After all that time, I should know not to expect too much from him; he never holds my hand, he never hugs me, he never says he loves me. Why should it change now?

Because that's what I want. I want to feel special, I want to feel loved, I want to feel like I'm someone's dream come true, someone's only one.

Instead, I am a "package deal", I go along with Layna. Can't have Layna without me.

Instead I get to sit back and watch all these happy, in love couples, while I sit alone on a bench, or grocery shopping by myself, or go anywhere by myself, for that matter.

So yes, I am being selfish. Why can't that happy couple be me? Yes, me, because its what I want, obviously not what he wants. Why can't I have that unending love that just oozes out from every word and action said and done between two people? Why do I always have to feel like I'm alone?

Maybe I should give it up. Maybe I should just be happy with the fact that he is here, for Layna, and that his family accepts her too. Maybe I should be content with a lukewarm relationship arrangement instead of being alone.

It just hurts to think that the new couple will probably get married before we do. That the happy couple will always be more happy than we are (or than I am). That I will always live in a two story house where the floors never meet.

Downward Spiral

Sometimes its best to keep your opinions to yourself. If your intent is to make someone feel bad, then maybe you need to think about why you want them to feel bad.

Is it your place to judge why they are in the position they are in? Is it your place to tell them what to do? Unless it is your child, who isn't old enough to make their own decisions, or someone who works under you and you are their boss, then no, you have no right to tell them what to do.

Yes, you can be concerned. Its everyone's nature to be concerned.

I was judged quite a few times this weekend, and yes, I feel horrible about it. I also feel unfairly judged. Its one thing to choose to do or not to do something out of laziness. Its another thing to do something because you feel its the right thing to do at that time in your life.

Yes, I want to work. Yes, I want to provide the best life for my daughter.

At the same time I want to be here for her. I see how the world is today. You can't trust anyone, the school systems are horrible. I don't have built in mommies and grandmommies that can watch her while I work. I don't have brothers or sisters that can help out. I have in-laws, but they have their own children and their own jobs.

Right now, my place is with Layna. I truly believe that. Are we struggling? Yes. Are we broke? Yes. But Layna has everything she needs, and that's all that matters right now.

I have put in applications at various different places with no luck, so its not for a lack of trying.

People have told me that I need to go into photography. I would absolutely love to do that, but the problem is there are already SO many self-proclaimed photographers out there it's not even funny! I alone have six or seven friends on Facebook that do their own side photography business. How do you compete with that? And against your friends? There are so many now that a lot of the commercial photography studios have gone out of business, like the ones in Walmart, and even Olan Mills in Tullahoma (wasn't that the one?)

When the perfect opportunity falls in place, I will jump on it, and I will know if its the right thing or not.