Sick of Dreams

Last night's dream was all about Layna, and it scared the s**t out of me.

There was a lot more to the dream, but the main part is most important.

I dreamt that her biological father was trying to take her away. She was smaller than she is now. They were talking about putting her on a plane every two weeks to come see him in Colorado. I refused, said he would never get her.

He had a brother with him (who in real life wasn't his brother but a friend of Bugz's) and they stole her out of my car. Ripped out the car seat to get her. He grabbed her and ran, while Bugz was just standing there.

I yelled at him and asked him why he wasn't going after them, and he finally started running after him. He saw Bugz coming and THREW her at his brother, who was getting in their car. He missed, and she got hurt bad.

I screamed and ran for her. I could tell she was hurt bad, and I screamed and cried and got in my car and told Bugz to get in the car, we had to go to the hospital. He again just stood there, then said he had to get the car seat. I told him to forget it, we HAD to go.

A passerby yelled out asking if we needed the cops called and I said yes, but that we were leaving to take her to the hospital.

Bugz finally gets in the car, me in the passenger seat holding my broken Layna. He asks where we're going, and I cringe and say URMC, that they can transfer her to Vandy from there.

Jump around to me back at home in the yard and talking to her biological father's "mom", who wasn't really his mom, but some short, heavyset, black haired deaf woman. I'm trying to explain to her what happened and what her son did. I told her that if he ever tried to get her again, I would kill him with my gun. I told her I was going back and staying with her, even if I had to sleep on the floor. She said she wanted to go to the hospital to see her, and I said he better not even try to take her from the hospital. Something happened to make us think that he did, and we rushed to the hospital.

That's when I woke up, and I had to stop myself from rushing in her room to make sure she was there and ok.

Why do I have to dream stuff like this? I hate it.

Randoms

1) Why do people go behind others' backs and do things they know that person doesn't want them to do? Rudeness and inconsiderate!

2) I need someone to come do my dishes. A few busy days in a row and they've gotten out of hand. Hate not having a dishwasher.

3) Some people aren't made of money, so no, we won't and can't go all out for everything.

4) Don't ask me to do something then change it at the last minute. I have a 9 month old, I do what I can when I can, and last minute changes just don't work for me.

5) I love the Duck Dynasty guys, mostly for their love and dedication to God and their wholesome, family values on their show. That said, as the seasons go by, they get more and more fake. You can tell they are acting, they make Mrs. Kay look more and more stupid, and Willie gets more and more arrogant-acting about the money. I can watch the old ones over and over, season one and two. When it gets to three, the money starts to take over a bit. One thing that stays constant: John Luke acting absolutely stupid. He may not be, they may be making him act that way, but from season one episode one he's always seemed a little.....dense.

6) I totally miss going to church. Sundays just don't feel right, and I think that is a small part of my not wanting to be around people anymore. I miss having a church family, although my last church let me down in quite a few ways, both spiritually and personally. The good times we had, the Wed night fellowships, Bible studies and food, the movie nights (tho there weren't many), the Fall Fun hayrides and cookouts. The more I stay home, the more people irritate me and I don't want to be around them. There are only a few I can tolerate. I can't stand how people drive either. I need church, both for spiritually and for my people skills (tolerance mostly).

7) As much tea as the Duck Dynasty guys drink, how do they not have kidney stones? That's what causes them, right? At least that's what the doctor tells me. That and calcium.

8) I totally need to lose weight. It is making me feel horrible.

9) My child isn't feeling well, so I am afraid to go to sleep. I want to check on her every few minutes to make sure she's ok. She worries me so much.

10) My guy is asleep on the sofa and has been for over an hour. He stayed up till past 4am last night/this morning playing games. Gonna leave him on the sofa, don't want to get my head chopped off when I try to wake him up.

11) I can't wait to start taking Layna's Christmas pictures. I have so many ideas and different outfits for her, its going to be fun! And I still have a Halloween outfit and three Thanksgiving outfits to take pictures with too! Have I mentioned I love photography?

12) My tummy is a bit upset. Guess that second slice of cake after supper wasn't a good idea.

13) I hate my house.

14) I dislike how hot it was today. What happened to Fall and the cool weather?

15) I am reading a book series. I am going to write a review of it in my next blog, but I have to say this: I don't like it at all, but the story line has me hooked because I want to know what will happen next. But not exciting enough to keep me awake while I read.

16) I have a crochet hat order to do this week and a photo session some afternoon this week as well. I'm excited, but a bit nervous. What if I screw it all up? What if I'm not good enough for them?

17) I have low self esteem.

18) I am not superficial; its not all about the things or the money. You have to have money to survive, which sucks, but I have learned to do without. My child will never go without, tho. I will make sure she has everything she needs, and I will try my best to keep her away from the things and people that hurt her, and teach her the difference in that bad versus the good.

19) Some times I wonder about things....things I shouldn't. Who doesn't, right? I just don't know how to turn it off.

20) I miss getting to watch The Walking Dead.  :(

Dreaming Again

My child is awake at 2am. What happened to my all night sleeper? I needed to wake up, though. Was having some strange dreams. Dreamt that John Rhoten broke into our house to wake Bugz up to go to work. We were already awake, tho, because I had asked Bugz if he would really break in (he not in my dreams told us last night he would if Bugz didn't show for work in the morning)  and Bugz said yeah, he probably would, but that John would use his key to get in. Bugz shakes the sheets on the bed and we found John's key in the bed? John comes around the corner of the bedroom and Bugz asks him how he got in without his key and he said it was easy. Cue a "wake up" moment, then on to another dream.

Bugz and I go racing down the road in Bugz's truck and all his stuff (a purple cup, coke bottle, cigarettes) goes flying off the back of the truck and we have to turn around to find it. But he gets a call on my phone about a picture someone found of Pa Claude in Tullahoma and they sent a copy to his phone. I get his phone and we look at the picture, which was of old guys in blue button down shirts and tan pants, with cameras around their necks. It was a photography club. I start snooping in his phone to see who he's been chatting with and see a bunch of girls names on Facebook messenger that I didn't recognize, but don't get to read them before I guess I "woke up" again and moved on to yet another dream.

I'm playing with Layna in the floor, with the TV on in the background. I hear the name Len Parsons and I turn to the TV. I hear this guy explaining how he had a child with a lady and had never seen him, it was so long ago and she had disappeared with the child. I missed the story of how this happened (he is a happily married pastor, after all). I focus more on the TV, and it is indeed my ex brother in law, but it was an episode of Oprah from the '80's! She's asking him questions but for some reason I can't hear. Suddenly, they pan to the back of the room and here comes the whole family! Mom, dad, and Tracey are the only ones I really see, although they name them all off. They all get on stage and sit down with Len. I am flabbergasted, staring at the TV in disbelief. Bugz walks in the room and asks what's wrong and I tell him "That's Dallas's brother and family. Supposedly Len's had a child a long time ago with some woman, but that can't be right. He and his wife lost one, he told me, but he has no children." And then I woke up.

I vaguely remember at some point dreaming about my grandma, but don't remember what about.

I'm not sure what's causing these strange, funny dreams (and the fact that my house was not my house, it was something else) but at least it wasn't a nightmare tonight.

Crazy Dream

Last night I had a crazy dream. I went to try and get a job, only to be told that I had to go to the main office in Murfreesboro. (There was more to that dream, but its not important).

So I began walking down the road to get home, and there was a worker from the factory I just left walking with me. As we walked, there were a ton of airplanes flying low and fast in the air. Jumbo jets, fighter planes, all you could imagine.

Then we approach a tunnel, and there are people in hazmat suits stopping us (there seem to be more people behind us suddenly). They make us sit down on the road in the tunnel. They tell us we are to be put on busses, that there is an outbreak and they have to the take us away.

Curious George (the cartoon) comes running up from the entrance in front of us, where there is a gate, and sits in my lap. Then there is a dog. They come up and say that they are giving the dog a shot, and that the dog belongs to Ernie Franklin (my uncle), as if that shot was made specifically for the dog. They tried to give George a shot, but I had to tell them that no, he wasn't my dog, she was at home.

So then they tell us they are going to put us on the busses. We are on bus 24, the last bus. There is a touch screen in the wall of the tunnel and they make UA pick who we'd want to be passengers with us on the bus. The only one I remember was Robin Williams.

I must've woken up at this point, because I don't remember being on the bus or anything. I went on to dream about someone stealing my car out of the front yard.

What's freaky about this dream is that we were at Bell Buckle yesterday. It was wall to wall people over the whole town. I wake up this morning sneezing my head off and not able to breathe. Just imagine if only ONE person had been sick amidst that huge crowd. There'd be no stopping it!

No, I'm not paranoid. Just cautious.

Well.....too late to be cautious, huh?

Seriously?

I love my child. She is everything to me. Yes, I might get frustrated, might even need a break now and then, but she is first in my life. As any child should be to their parents.

Some people forget that. There are those that give their children away as soon as they have them. In some instances, this can be acceptable; if you can't financially support your child the way he/she needs then adoption is a great alternative. Some people aren't cut out to be parents, and while they should have never made a baby to begin with, if they have, the child will probably be better off without them.

I don't know what I did before Layna was born. Granted, I miss working, and I know I need to get back to working, but it hasn't been for not trying. I have put in applications at various places, with no luck. Right now, though, my daughter is priority.

I am not a lucky person in that I don't have a mother or sister/brother to watch my child (for free) while I work. Most jobs these days are, at best, part time, and that wouldn't cover daycare services. But I don't want to be classified as a "deadbeat parent" either.

Everything I do is for my child. When I spend money, its on her. I have gained weight and none of my clothes fit, but I don't buy myself clothes. Everything I buy is for her. I don't remember the last time I spent money on myself, other than a magazine or two to read.

I have tried to start a photography business, kind of. I love photography, its my passion, its my "oxygen" (for those of you who have seen Mom's Day Out). Taking a great picture gives me a high better than any drug or alcohol. I have one session set up, if the rain ever stops, and that's it. Lots of compliments on my photos, but no one seems to think of me when they want photos done (except Angie, and I can't wait to get hers going!). I also tried my hand at tutus, which yet again everyone "loved", but only one wanted. I think they are adorable and will continue to make them for Layna no matter what.

I did the responsible thing and traded off my truck, that I loved SO much, for an " even trade" payoff, so that I had no vehicle payment and the car is paid off and in my name. I am not like most people out there and have to have the most expensive vehicles or the most new, going further into debt to do so. I try not to spend money on things I don't need, and what I do spend on (that's not for Layna) is something I can use, like a mirror for my photography, or a storage container for my clothes/yarn/etc.

My house may be cluttered, but at least its not full of garbage. There is a difference between accumulated items versus trash. I don't have empty ice cream containers, bottles full of tobacco spit, plastic bags full of garbage, and dog crap all over my floor. I don't like having my dogs in the house anymore, but there's not much I can do about that right now, as we can't put a fence in the back yard because of the sewer. My kitchen counters may be cluttered, but that's because we have limited cabinet space, and they are full, not because I'm too lazy to clean. My dishes may be dirty, but that's because I don't have a dishwasher, I have a 9 month old that keeps me busy all day, especially now that she is crawling everywhere. It also means I know how to cook, and we are well fed, with all the dishes to prove it.

I keep my yard mown as much as I can, weather permitting. All this rain has held me back, and yesterday's flooding in the yard will make me have to wait a while for it all to dry out. But for the most part, I keep my yard tidy, and I try to do the same with the porch.

Now....my grandma helped my parents more than anyone will ever know. My mom worked a job that was low-paying, but she stuck with for over 20 years. Dad jumped around from job to job, while Mom was stable and paid all the bills and took care of everything. She sacrificed things for herself so she could provide for me. She never bought clothes for herself, she wore most of the same few pieces she had over and over (which is why I think I have a clothing hoarding problem now). She always provided for me.

Grandma watched me when I was born. Mom went back to work and I stayed with her. She would cook supper for us and Mom would come pick me and the food up and take us home (next door). She did that for as long as I lived at home, if not longer. She cleaned house for them when Mom got sick. The trailer they lived in before I was born was bought by Grandpa, and when they bought the house they abandoned it behind, instead of selling it or moving it. The land they put their house on was my grandparents before they gave it to them.

There is so much more that I could list, but I won't. She helped them so much, and she has helped me too. Since Layna was born, Grandma has made sure my rent was paid, so that I could stay home with Layna. I didn't ask her for this, she offered it, insisted on it. She wants me to stay home with Layna. She sees and she knows how people are these days, how you can't trust anyone anymore.

So to sit back and tell me that I need to grow up? Seriously? I could say SO much more, but I'm leaving it at that.

Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey

If you got that reference in the title there, then you probably have already figured out my blog title is from that too.

My subconscious mind had that in thought as I titled this blog, even though I didn't know it at that time. It hit me tonight, as I saw that one of the greats has passed.

And just as random as the Deep Thoughts were, so is my blog. Very random.

That being said, let's get on with the randomness!

1) I have had the strangest dreams! I dreamt that Pa Claude was serving me a thick, warm, carrot wine in a very long airport that had over 400 wines to try. Then I tried to climb a "wall" that had a different wine on each side, left and right, at each level. I got to one that was cucumber and labeled under the Veggie Tales and that's as far as I made it. Last night I had a strange dream too, but I forgot it. Wonder what I'll dream tonight!

2) My child is getting better at sleeping through the night. Me? Not so much. I have tossed and turned the last few nights. Ugh!

3) I totally need a vacation, either to the mountains to see the beautiful leaves changing, or to the beach to just sit on the sand, read a book, and relax. Make Daddy take Layna for an hour or two so I can relax, then of course have fun with her and her first vacation experience.

4) Its not even 9pm yet and I'm going to bed? Yep. Thus the life of a SAHM that doesn't sleep well. You sleep when you can.....and you finish your blog in the morning....or whenever the baby wakes up.

5) Here it is three days later, on yet another rainy day, and finally finishing my blog. Or attempting to. Don't think baby girl feels good so she's asleep on my chest, something we never do anymore.

6) I really want to carve a pumpkin.

7) I really want to get out my camera and take pictures, but....

8) It really needs to stop raining and let the sun come out.

9) I really want to go to a pumpkin patch.

10) I realize that's a lot of wants, but when you are a SAHM and have a 9 month old 24-7, and it rains for....how many days straight now?? You really want to get out of the house and do something!

11) I can't wait for Layna's Christmas shirt to be done. I found a great spot at Grammy Sue's that I can hopefully fix up a certain way I want and get some great shots. I just need some battery powered Christmas lights, a few huge ornaments, and a fuzzy blanket of some sort. I'm getting excited about it, really. Its a high for me when I take a great picture! It makes me feel good that I did something to be proud of, beings I always screw everything up and I suck so much.

12) Did not hear where, but heard on the scanner an officer say person was D.O.A. when he arrived. Praying for whoever's family it may be. Also heard two wrecks, which is why I hate driving in the rain.

13) She is definitely sick. Woke up whining, looked at me, repositioned, then went back to sleep. I need to put her down so I can go potty, but I want this snuggle time.

14) I had a dream I found a carpet cleaner (an expensive one) at a pawn shop for $12. Yeah, right. I wish.

15) I also dreamt that my mom was trying to keep me away from Layna. She made me come back home and leave Layna behind, alone, at my place. At first I was ok, but then I started missing her and kept saying she can't be left alone all day and night and I wanted to go back to her. Mom stole my car keys and wouldn't let me leave. It got stranger as I wound up in an old lady's house and her five or six sons were trying to help me escape.

16) I also dreamt my dad was trying to keep me from getting what was rightly mine from his place. That one was strange.

17) I need a dream interpreter.

18) I need a better laptop, or my old one fixed.

19) May 2nd, supposedly.

20) I worry daily if something will happen to me and what will happen to Layna.

21) Then I worry that something will happen to her, and how would I handle it? Not good, I'll tell ya that.

22) Rain falling on the metal roof of this trailer, I am getting sleepy.

23) I really want to find a good book series to start...NOT ROMANCE! Anyone have any suggestions? I could reread Left Behind but I don't have the first book anymore. Let someone borrow it and they never gave it back. :/

24) Believe it or not, I am cold.

25) Supper time? Maybe. Its quitting time, that's for sure. Until later......

Randomness

1) Life as a mommy is stressful! That's why I'm so behind.

2) Dreams can be good and bad. Last night's dream was bad.

3) Today has felt like Friday all day long because Bugz worked today.

4) I hate taking pictures of myself because I hate the way I look. I hate this last haircut I got, I hate that my teeth are crumbling and falling apart and I look like a meth head, I hate that I can't seem to lose this weight that I put on AFTER having Layna. My mom hated having her picture taken, and I pray its not for the same reasons I have....she truly was a special person, beautiful in every way.

5) Speaking of pictures; I think some people need to learn how to take better selfies. Don't take a picture of yourself with your cleavage showing and post it on Facebook unless you are advertising, because that's basically what you are doing. Don't take a picture of yourself in the bathroom! We don't want to see your shower or your toilet. If you have to use a mirror, do it in another room. And if you are taking a picture of yourself in the mirror or using the front facing camera on your phone, look into the lens, not the picture of yourself on your phone. And lastly, posting a million pictures of your kids is good, posting a million pictures of yourself is not.

6) I bought Layna an adorable dress at a yard sale today. It said hand wash in cold water. I did. The red faded onto the white. That sucked, and makes me mad!

7) I am so thirsty and nothing is quenching me. I tried two ice pops and a diet caffeine free coke that was in the freezer, no luck. Gonna try and go to bed anyway, maybe it'll pass. Right now I feel like I need the coldest thing possible to make my mouth feel better. Strange.

8) I can't stop running the tip of my tongue over the hole in the back of my two front teeth, and my tongue is now sore. 

9) Sleep is underrated.....the more the better. You learn that when you become a mother.

10) Baby is asleep, Mommy needs to be asleep.