Randoms

1) I am so far behind on my blogs. I really should catch up, but an 11 month old takes a lot out of you!

2) My daughter LOVES Thomas and Friends, but it bothers me that all the merchandize and commercials are geared towards boys. Girls like him too, and there are girl trains as well!

3) I have been extremely tired today. I took a bath and just about fell asleep while reading in the tub.

4) I sit my child down in the floor to play and she immediately crawls right back to me.  :/

5) When she sits in my lap all she wants to do is rock. She has to stand on my legs facing me, grab my thumbs, and rock back and forth. Continually. All the time.

6) She likes music, but especially "All About The Bass" and "Wagon Wheel", the latter of which she falls asleep to.

7) When she hears a song she likes she rocks back and forth.

8) She has yet to crawl over to the Christmas tree and mess with it, thank goodness! Beings its a real tree, though, she can't knock it over.

9) I am depressed that I can't go out and buy her a bunch of stuff for Christmas, even though she won't know it.

10) I'm also struggling to figure out how to pay for her birthday party, two weeks after Christmas.

11) She is still taking two naps a day, and I try to take one in the afternoon when she does.

12) I really want to go look at Christmas lights!

13) I shouldn't end on 13.

14) I am making chili for supper tonight. Just wish I had snow to go with it.

Depression and the Holidays

Have you ever wanted to cry, but your head hurt so bad you couldn't?

Yeah, that's where I am right now.

I have always been one to preach "Be happy with what you have." I am not about material things, although I am sentimental.

But this year something has changed.

Not only do I have a child to think about, but I have no job.

Yes, I have a job; SAHM. That doesn't pay bills, though. That doesn't buy my daughter Christmas presents, then two weeks later give her a great 1st Birthday party. That doesn't get me a new laptop because mine is a POS and I need a better one to work on my photography with. That doesn't get us out of this sewage-filled back yard bug ridden trailer.

I'm not even sure I can get Layna a Christmas tree, much less where to put it in this tiny living room.

I have always worked. I have always had money to be comfortable with. I have no money to my name now. I hate this feeling.

It hurts me to hear all these people talking about buying this and doing that, and all I can do is sit here with Layna all day. I can't afford $5 a day to walk at the Rec Center, or $45 for a dress or new toy for Layna, or buy a new car or take a vacation.

Its not that I don't want to work. I don't feel right at all not working. After working 7 days a week at a factory before having Layna, doing nothing makes me feel worthless.

But it's not for not trying. I have put in applications at different places with no success. I did turn down one, but it was because it was part time and low pay all my check would have gone to daycare for Layna so I could work. I had a full time temp job that they said I did great at, but they didn't hire me when the time came.

I feel like an absolute failure. Like I'm not even worthy to be Layna's mom.

Then the jealousy of my boyfriend getting to do something that I have wanted to do since I was little has gotten the best of me, too. He isn't even a Tennessee fan, but he got to go the football game, and yet again, I just got to sit at home doing nothing. I have been a UT fan since Johnny Majors was a coach, since Andy Kelly was the star quarterback. I have always wanted to go to Neyland Stadium. When I was little I wanted to go to school at UT; I wanted to play basketball, and when I realized I sucked at it, I then wanted to be in The Pride of the Southland Band, forming that big T on the field.

I have come to learn that dreams are just that - dreams. At least in my case that's all they are.

Now I just need to learn how to stop dreaming.

And realize that what I have is what I have and I'll never have anything else. I must learn to make due with what I have (or don't) have.

Ten Months Already?

It sure does not seem like it has been ten months since my little booger was born. It seems like it was only yesterday, yet at times it seems like it was so long ago. Funny how time does that, huh?

My passion is photography. I absolutely love doing it. I hate that I don't have the equipment that I need to take the pictures the way they really need to be taken....nor do I have the money to buy them.

I took Layna's 10 month pics this morning and was disappointed that they came out a bit blurry. I really need better lighting, reflectors, a proper backdrop stand....so many things. But really they aren't too bad. Its just the perfectionist in me that sees that blur from lack of light and it makes me mad.

I ended up taking her outside and got one good one, although I wish the chalkboard had been closer to her. Now that she is crawling very quickly, we have to snap fast before she tries to crawl away, which she did many times while trying to get one shot.

So these ended up not being the best, but they will do. Each time I do them I learn what to do for next time. I am hoping to get some Christmas pictures done soon. They will be fun and a challenge, as I have to find a place to do them and figure out the lighting sets for a few of the shots I want to do.

And then I have to think about Christmas cards! Oh goodness, I am gonna be a busy mommy. Wait, Christmas means presents, right? Gotta do that too. Not to mention that Layna's 1st birthday will be two weeks after Christmas!

Holy crap on a cracker!

Can I pray for some snow? 

Time Flies

I have been so busy and so stressed, where has the time gone?

I don't know if anyone is even reading my blog anymore, and that's ok. If anything, it'll be here for my absent mindedness to go back and read over and remember things.

We've done a lot since the last post. I got my eyes checked and got new glasses for the first time in about 7 years or so. It feels good to see again, but it hurt paying that $250 when we don't have money to spend, and I should be spending it on Layna.

Speaking of which, I did something I said I'd never do....I bought her a new pair of Nike shoes. In my defense, they were on sale from $41 to $27, so it was a fairly good buy. Fairly I say because even at $27 that's outrageous for an infant pair of shoes that isn't even as big as my hand! But....she is getting to the age where she's pulling up and walking, and I want a good pair of shoes on her feet, especially since she likes to curl her toes up a lot. She needs a hard bottom to flatten those toes out. I just pray she can get some good use out of them and wear them a good while before she grows out of them. Another "in my defense", we did look at a lot of shoes Wednesday in the 'boro and all the tennis shoes were outrageously priced for her, so I did get a pretty good deal.

While in the 'boro, Layna got to ride her first two coin operated rides in the mall. The train she wasn't so thrilled about because it didn't do much, but when she got in the car she held on to the wheel and smiled almost the whole time! She didn't fuss or want out or anything. That's my big girl.

Her first Halloween was a cold wash out. We went to the drug store to see the ladies, but none of them were there. Then we went to get our free picture made at Studio Verabella, where it started raining while we were there. We ran to the car and just went home. No trick or treating for us. Maybe next year.

We went today to a craft show and I got her a Christmas sock monkey and an angel bracelet. Nothing for myself. I was disappointed that the lady with the Christmas ornaments she usually personalizes wasn't there....I wanted either a couple, for Bugz and I, or the family, for the three of us. Now I'll have to order online. Darnit.

Layna hasn't been sleeping through the night anymore, where she had been for a few weeks. She fell asleep tonight at 6:15, so she'll probably be up by midnight. Its 7:52 now. Thinking I might need to go to bed and get a bit of sleep. I've been sick all day; sore throat, stuffy/runny nose, headache, body ache. But I did clean the kitchen! Haha!

Layna turns 10 months tomorrow. Yes, the time does fly. And we must try to enjoy every moment of it.

Sick of Dreams

Last night's dream was all about Layna, and it scared the s**t out of me.

There was a lot more to the dream, but the main part is most important.

I dreamt that her biological father was trying to take her away. She was smaller than she is now. They were talking about putting her on a plane every two weeks to come see him in Colorado. I refused, said he would never get her.

He had a brother with him (who in real life wasn't his brother but a friend of Bugz's) and they stole her out of my car. Ripped out the car seat to get her. He grabbed her and ran, while Bugz was just standing there.

I yelled at him and asked him why he wasn't going after them, and he finally started running after him. He saw Bugz coming and THREW her at his brother, who was getting in their car. He missed, and she got hurt bad.

I screamed and ran for her. I could tell she was hurt bad, and I screamed and cried and got in my car and told Bugz to get in the car, we had to go to the hospital. He again just stood there, then said he had to get the car seat. I told him to forget it, we HAD to go.

A passerby yelled out asking if we needed the cops called and I said yes, but that we were leaving to take her to the hospital.

Bugz finally gets in the car, me in the passenger seat holding my broken Layna. He asks where we're going, and I cringe and say URMC, that they can transfer her to Vandy from there.

Jump around to me back at home in the yard and talking to her biological father's "mom", who wasn't really his mom, but some short, heavyset, black haired deaf woman. I'm trying to explain to her what happened and what her son did. I told her that if he ever tried to get her again, I would kill him with my gun. I told her I was going back and staying with her, even if I had to sleep on the floor. She said she wanted to go to the hospital to see her, and I said he better not even try to take her from the hospital. Something happened to make us think that he did, and we rushed to the hospital.

That's when I woke up, and I had to stop myself from rushing in her room to make sure she was there and ok.

Why do I have to dream stuff like this? I hate it.

Randoms

1) Why do people go behind others' backs and do things they know that person doesn't want them to do? Rudeness and inconsiderate!

2) I need someone to come do my dishes. A few busy days in a row and they've gotten out of hand. Hate not having a dishwasher.

3) Some people aren't made of money, so no, we won't and can't go all out for everything.

4) Don't ask me to do something then change it at the last minute. I have a 9 month old, I do what I can when I can, and last minute changes just don't work for me.

5) I love the Duck Dynasty guys, mostly for their love and dedication to God and their wholesome, family values on their show. That said, as the seasons go by, they get more and more fake. You can tell they are acting, they make Mrs. Kay look more and more stupid, and Willie gets more and more arrogant-acting about the money. I can watch the old ones over and over, season one and two. When it gets to three, the money starts to take over a bit. One thing that stays constant: John Luke acting absolutely stupid. He may not be, they may be making him act that way, but from season one episode one he's always seemed a little.....dense.

6) I totally miss going to church. Sundays just don't feel right, and I think that is a small part of my not wanting to be around people anymore. I miss having a church family, although my last church let me down in quite a few ways, both spiritually and personally. The good times we had, the Wed night fellowships, Bible studies and food, the movie nights (tho there weren't many), the Fall Fun hayrides and cookouts. The more I stay home, the more people irritate me and I don't want to be around them. There are only a few I can tolerate. I can't stand how people drive either. I need church, both for spiritually and for my people skills (tolerance mostly).

7) As much tea as the Duck Dynasty guys drink, how do they not have kidney stones? That's what causes them, right? At least that's what the doctor tells me. That and calcium.

8) I totally need to lose weight. It is making me feel horrible.

9) My child isn't feeling well, so I am afraid to go to sleep. I want to check on her every few minutes to make sure she's ok. She worries me so much.

10) My guy is asleep on the sofa and has been for over an hour. He stayed up till past 4am last night/this morning playing games. Gonna leave him on the sofa, don't want to get my head chopped off when I try to wake him up.

11) I can't wait to start taking Layna's Christmas pictures. I have so many ideas and different outfits for her, its going to be fun! And I still have a Halloween outfit and three Thanksgiving outfits to take pictures with too! Have I mentioned I love photography?

12) My tummy is a bit upset. Guess that second slice of cake after supper wasn't a good idea.

13) I hate my house.

14) I dislike how hot it was today. What happened to Fall and the cool weather?

15) I am reading a book series. I am going to write a review of it in my next blog, but I have to say this: I don't like it at all, but the story line has me hooked because I want to know what will happen next. But not exciting enough to keep me awake while I read.

16) I have a crochet hat order to do this week and a photo session some afternoon this week as well. I'm excited, but a bit nervous. What if I screw it all up? What if I'm not good enough for them?

17) I have low self esteem.

18) I am not superficial; its not all about the things or the money. You have to have money to survive, which sucks, but I have learned to do without. My child will never go without, tho. I will make sure she has everything she needs, and I will try my best to keep her away from the things and people that hurt her, and teach her the difference in that bad versus the good.

19) Some times I wonder about things....things I shouldn't. Who doesn't, right? I just don't know how to turn it off.

20) I miss getting to watch The Walking Dead.  :(

Dreaming Again

My child is awake at 2am. What happened to my all night sleeper? I needed to wake up, though. Was having some strange dreams. Dreamt that John Rhoten broke into our house to wake Bugz up to go to work. We were already awake, tho, because I had asked Bugz if he would really break in (he not in my dreams told us last night he would if Bugz didn't show for work in the morning)  and Bugz said yeah, he probably would, but that John would use his key to get in. Bugz shakes the sheets on the bed and we found John's key in the bed? John comes around the corner of the bedroom and Bugz asks him how he got in without his key and he said it was easy. Cue a "wake up" moment, then on to another dream.

Bugz and I go racing down the road in Bugz's truck and all his stuff (a purple cup, coke bottle, cigarettes) goes flying off the back of the truck and we have to turn around to find it. But he gets a call on my phone about a picture someone found of Pa Claude in Tullahoma and they sent a copy to his phone. I get his phone and we look at the picture, which was of old guys in blue button down shirts and tan pants, with cameras around their necks. It was a photography club. I start snooping in his phone to see who he's been chatting with and see a bunch of girls names on Facebook messenger that I didn't recognize, but don't get to read them before I guess I "woke up" again and moved on to yet another dream.

I'm playing with Layna in the floor, with the TV on in the background. I hear the name Len Parsons and I turn to the TV. I hear this guy explaining how he had a child with a lady and had never seen him, it was so long ago and she had disappeared with the child. I missed the story of how this happened (he is a happily married pastor, after all). I focus more on the TV, and it is indeed my ex brother in law, but it was an episode of Oprah from the '80's! She's asking him questions but for some reason I can't hear. Suddenly, they pan to the back of the room and here comes the whole family! Mom, dad, and Tracey are the only ones I really see, although they name them all off. They all get on stage and sit down with Len. I am flabbergasted, staring at the TV in disbelief. Bugz walks in the room and asks what's wrong and I tell him "That's Dallas's brother and family. Supposedly Len's had a child a long time ago with some woman, but that can't be right. He and his wife lost one, he told me, but he has no children." And then I woke up.

I vaguely remember at some point dreaming about my grandma, but don't remember what about.

I'm not sure what's causing these strange, funny dreams (and the fact that my house was not my house, it was something else) but at least it wasn't a nightmare tonight.