Whiny Child = No Patience

I am with my child 24-7. I maybe get a break on Sundays for a few hours, but that's about it.

Please don't get me wrong, I love my child. I would do anything for her, and I don't know what I'd do without her.

That being said, I never wanted kids. Its not that I don't like them, because I do. I just knew that I had so many issues of my own that I needed to get myself right before I could ever think about a child.

But then Layna happened. I truly believe she was not an accident, though she was never intended to be created. I know she was supposed to happen, the signs were all there:

1) She was due on the day after the 11th anniversary of my mom's passing. Thank goodness she didn't come that day!

2) She ended up being a girl, which I know my mom would have loved.

3) Having her brought me back into a family that means so much to me and that I truly needed, both for her and for me.

Now, that still doesn't change the fact that I was in no way ready for her. As I have stated before, I was working a factory job where I worked 7 days a week, so my pregnancy was a blur for the most part. I was so busy and so tired I didn't even feel her move until late at night.

I quit work at the first of November. I gave birth the first of January. Two months I had to think about how my life was going to change.

But then there was the baby shower, and then Thanksgiving, and then Christmas, and then New Years. When I went into the hospital to have Layna, I didn't even have a bag packed! Her room was not ready yet, it was still a mess of stuff to organize. (In my defense, she was three weeks early, so I thought I had a little more time.)

I was not prepared.

It has been a year and almost a month, and I'm still not prepared. I still struggle with being a mom, handling the day to day bumps and humps we have to go through.

The lack of sleep, that is a big one for me. I am totally cranky as all get out when I don't have enough sleep. I wake up at every sound, so I wake up if she makes any kind of peep in the night. I might get a 3 hour sleep where I don't wake up, from that its an every hour or so wake up for some reason or another. It really drains me quickly.

The unclean house also drives me nuts. If I get behind, like I did this past week while I was sick, it is hard to get caught back up with a 1 year old that fusses if you aren't RIGHT THERE with her. And don't even suggest putting her in the high chair in the kitchen with me, she HATES being confined, so the high chair contentment only lasts maybe 5 minutes, then the fussing begins. Let me tell you, not having a dishwasher SUCKS!

The whining is the worst, though. I will admit my child is spoiled, there's no doubt about it. But this is not spoiled whining, and its not sick whining either. I know my child.

I just can't figure out the whining, and its driving me insane!

Its not because she's hungry, because I try to feed her and she won't eat.

Its not from her wanting to be held, because I pick her up and hold her and she has a fit. She squirms around till I put her down, and she cries again. No toys make her happy, not even her favorite cartoons. And I am the only one she does this with, except Daddy sometimes.

It usually last for a while, sometimes all day. It gets to a point where it goes on and on all day, and I lose my patience.

My grandma made me feel absolutely horrible when I told her I had to walk away from her while she was crying because I couldn't take it and I had to have a break. She informed me that she never had to do that, and I shouldn't leave her while she's crying.

I can't be the only one that can't handle a whiny child ALL DAY LONG. An hour or so maybe, but all day?

I'm sorry, but when my nerves have gotten to where they can't take anymore, I have to walk away. I don't leave her in danger, she is safe. Even if is just stepping outside while she's in her pack and play, she is safe, and soon I will be ok to go back and tackle it again.

I love my child, and would do anything for her, but sometimes I need a break from her.

It makes me want to go back to work, but then I can't imagine leaving her with anyone else, to care for her the way I am supposed to. I can't let someone else watch her and see a her "firsts" instead of me, especially when she will probably be my only one.

So alas, I fight my struggle every day for patience with my little whiny Layna bug. If you run into me and I'm less than friendly, or look a little stressed, you know I'm overdue for a long break.