Sunday, November 16, 2014

Depression and the Holidays

Have you ever wanted to cry, but your head hurt so bad you couldn't?

Yeah, that's where I am right now.

I have always been one to preach "Be happy with what you have." I am not about material things, although I am sentimental.

But this year something has changed.

Not only do I have a child to think about, but I have no job.

Yes, I have a job; SAHM. That doesn't pay bills, though. That doesn't buy my daughter Christmas presents, then two weeks later give her a great 1st Birthday party. That doesn't get me a new laptop because mine is a POS and I need a better one to work on my photography with. That doesn't get us out of this sewage-filled back yard bug ridden trailer.

I'm not even sure I can get Layna a Christmas tree, much less where to put it in this tiny living room.

I have always worked. I have always had money to be comfortable with. I have no money to my name now. I hate this feeling.

It hurts me to hear all these people talking about buying this and doing that, and all I can do is sit here with Layna all day. I can't afford $5 a day to walk at the Rec Center, or $45 for a dress or new toy for Layna, or buy a new car or take a vacation.

Its not that I don't want to work. I don't feel right at all not working. After working 7 days a week at a factory before having Layna, doing nothing makes me feel worthless.

But it's not for not trying. I have put in applications at different places with no success. I did turn down one, but it was because it was part time and low pay all my check would have gone to daycare for Layna so I could work. I had a full time temp job that they said I did great at, but they didn't hire me when the time came.

I feel like an absolute failure. Like I'm not even worthy to be Layna's mom.

Then the jealousy of my boyfriend getting to do something that I have wanted to do since I was little has gotten the best of me, too. He isn't even a Tennessee fan, but he got to go the football game, and yet again, I just got to sit at home doing nothing. I have been a UT fan since Johnny Majors was a coach, since Andy Kelly was the star quarterback. I have always wanted to go to Neyland Stadium. When I was little I wanted to go to school at UT; I wanted to play basketball, and when I realized I sucked at it, I then wanted to be in The Pride of the Southland Band, forming that big T on the field.

I have come to learn that dreams are just that - dreams. At least in my case that's all they are.

Now I just need to learn how to stop dreaming.

And realize that what I have is what I have and I'll never have anything else. I must learn to make due with what I have (or don't) have.

Saturday, November 8, 2014

Ten Months Already?

It sure does not seem like it has been ten months since my little booger was born. It seems like it was only yesterday, yet at times it seems like it was so long ago. Funny how time does that, huh?

My passion is photography. I absolutely love doing it. I hate that I don't have the equipment that I need to take the pictures the way they really need to be taken....nor do I have the money to buy them.

I took Layna's 10 month pics this morning and was disappointed that they came out a bit blurry. I really need better lighting, reflectors, a proper backdrop many things. But really they aren't too bad. Its just the perfectionist in me that sees that blur from lack of light and it makes me mad.

I ended up taking her outside and got one good one, although I wish the chalkboard had been closer to her. Now that she is crawling very quickly, we have to snap fast before she tries to crawl away, which she did many times while trying to get one shot.

So these ended up not being the best, but they will do. Each time I do them I learn what to do for next time. I am hoping to get some Christmas pictures done soon. They will be fun and a challenge, as I have to find a place to do them and figure out the lighting sets for a few of the shots I want to do.

And then I have to think about Christmas cards! Oh goodness, I am gonna be a busy mommy. Wait, Christmas means presents, right? Gotta do that too. Not to mention that Layna's 1st birthday will be two weeks after Christmas!

Holy crap on a cracker!

Can I pray for some snow? 

Friday, November 7, 2014

Time Flies

I have been so busy and so stressed, where has the time gone?

I don't know if anyone is even reading my blog anymore, and that's ok. If anything, it'll be here for my absent mindedness to go back and read over and remember things.

We've done a lot since the last post. I got my eyes checked and got new glasses for the first time in about 7 years or so. It feels good to see again, but it hurt paying that $250 when we don't have money to spend, and I should be spending it on Layna.

Speaking of which, I did something I said I'd never do....I bought her a new pair of Nike shoes. In my defense, they were on sale from $41 to $27, so it was a fairly good buy. Fairly I say because even at $27 that's outrageous for an infant pair of shoes that isn't even as big as my hand! But....she is getting to the age where she's pulling up and walking, and I want a good pair of shoes on her feet, especially since she likes to curl her toes up a lot. She needs a hard bottom to flatten those toes out. I just pray she can get some good use out of them and wear them a good while before she grows out of them. Another "in my defense", we did look at a lot of shoes Wednesday in the 'boro and all the tennis shoes were outrageously priced for her, so I did get a pretty good deal.

While in the 'boro, Layna got to ride her first two coin operated rides in the mall. The train she wasn't so thrilled about because it didn't do much, but when she got in the car she held on to the wheel and smiled almost the whole time! She didn't fuss or want out or anything. That's my big girl.

Her first Halloween was a cold wash out. We went to the drug store to see the ladies, but none of them were there. Then we went to get our free picture made at Studio Verabella, where it started raining while we were there. We ran to the car and just went home. No trick or treating for us. Maybe next year.

We went today to a craft show and I got her a Christmas sock monkey and an angel bracelet. Nothing for myself. I was disappointed that the lady with the Christmas ornaments she usually personalizes wasn't there....I wanted either a couple, for Bugz and I, or the family, for the three of us. Now I'll have to order online. Darnit.

Layna hasn't been sleeping through the night anymore, where she had been for a few weeks. She fell asleep tonight at 6:15, so she'll probably be up by midnight. Its 7:52 now. Thinking I might need to go to bed and get a bit of sleep. I've been sick all day; sore throat, stuffy/runny nose, headache, body ache. But I did clean the kitchen! Haha!

Layna turns 10 months tomorrow. Yes, the time does fly. And we must try to enjoy every moment of it.