Sunday Confessions

I thought for a while what I wanted to write about today, and it was as if it was handed to me. Various signs here and there all day.

I did not plan on having Layna. She was a complete accident. But she was a blessing.

She drives me nuts at times, like when I need time to myself to just relax and all she wants to do is fuss, or when I need to sleep and she wakes me up at 2am and then again at 6am, and Daddy's alarm goes off at 4am.

But I honestly don't know what I would do if I didn't have her. Her Grammy Sue said it the other day, "What did we ever do without her?"

I have mentioned before that my pregnancy was different from most people, and that I really don't feel like I was ever even pregnant. I look at Layna and think, "Is she really mine?" Now I add to that "Was she ever that small?" when I pack away her 0-3 clothing she has outgrown.

Although I never wanted to be a mom, I now am, and I wouldn't give anything to not have her. If her biological father or his mother decided to fight for her, I would sell everything I own to hire a lawyer to make sure they don't get her. I'd almost go so far as to say that I'd sell my soul to the Devil if it meant I'd get to keep her, but I don't want to go to Hell, so I trust that God will give me what I need when that time comes, if it does.

I love my daughter. So much so that it is VERY hard for me to let someone else hold her. Its not a trust issue; for the most part I trust everyone that holds her. Strangers I am a bit leery about. No, its more of the "I don't want to let her go, I always want her in my arms" syndrome. At home I'm ok putting her in the floor, letting her play. I do have a hard time at night putting her down in her crib instead of snuggling with her. But when we are somewhere and everyone else is holding her, even Daddy, I get anxious. I want her back.

Today it hit me as to partly why I am this way.

I saw where a man from Manchester passed away Friday. I did not know him, but there was a Facebook page set up to keep track of his progress with his battle with Cancer. He was diagnosed in April of this year. August 8th his wife gave birth to a beautiful baby girl. August 29th he passed away. He was only 40.

I was 24 when my mom died. I am an only child, and I was very close to my mom. I took it extremely hard. I ended up having health issues from the depression and had to quit my job. (Among other reasons that all happened at the same time.) When my mom passed, she was 48. She battled cancer off and on for 3 years.

Part of me is afraid that I am going to have cancer, like my mom, grandmother, grandpa, great aunts and uncles, and numerous cousins that have all had it or passed away from it. I don't want Layna to suffer through that. But if she has to, I want to spend as much time with her as I can. I want that for me, and I want that for her. I want her to remember her mommy as a loving mommy who always did what she could for her. I don't want her to be a "mommy's girl", but I want her to know how much I love her.

Another part is because of what I mentioned earlier; I have a hard time believing she's really mine, and I am afraid someone is going to take her away from me. I would flee the country if it meant I could get away from her dad and his mom if they wanted to take her away from me. I want to hold her tight, never let her go.

Is that being a bad mommy, not wanting to have her taken away? To always want to hold her?

My daughter is my life. I can't even bring myself to work because I don't want to leave her.

Maybe I need help. Maybe I need to learn how to let go.

Randoms

Time for another randomly thrown together blog, starting at 1:30am today.

1) It is way too hot! I am so ready for Fall and cooler weather!

2) I crocheted Layna a bonnet to go with a dress I picked up for her for Old Timer's Day. Now just have to go get some ribbon.

3) Layna just fell back asleep, maybe I should too, and finish this over the next bottle. Haha!

4) I love photography. I may not be good at it, I may not have all the proper equipment, I may not have professional training, but I get a thrill from capturing, editing, and printing that perfect picture. Its as if I obsess over it. Sometimes I strive to get and edit that perfect picture of Layna, as if she's not sitting there right in front of me. I guess its because pictures freeze time, they capture memories, they help us to remember. My mom hated having her picture taken, so there aren't that many that I can share with Layna of the grandma she'll never meet (till Heaven, that is). I want to preserve her life, so that it can be shared with her future generations. And so I can remember.

5) I have a tooth or two that desperately need to be pulled. With no dental, they will have to wait. My mouth is killing me, but those are also the last two teeth I have to chew with, I hate to lose them. All I'd have left are front teeth. I pray Layna doesn't get my bad teeth, like I got my mom's.

6) I hate making trips to places 30-45 minutes away for one thing, then turn around and go back. If you are going to drive that far, make a day of it.

7) I hate driving and riding in the rain. People's driving makes me very nervous on wet, slick roads.

8) I just had a drunk guy in Murfreesboro try to get in the car with Layna and I while Bugz was paying for gas. I really need to get my carry permit, although its legal for me to carry loaded only in the car now. Might have to start doing that.

9) I really wish I had a pool so I could jump in and relax on the days it's so hot you can't stand to even breathe outside.

10) If I had had an extra $100 this evening, I would have bought a new pair of boots at French's. Love me some Ariat boots! Bugz ended up with some and he likes them. I already have four pair. Layna doesn't have Ariat boots, but she does have four hard-bottom pair and two soft pair for when her feet get a bit bigger.

11) My child hates to have her face wiped off while and right after eating. She's gonna have to get over that.

12) What sense does it make to have a yard sale and have all the baby clothes marked $1 a piece, but the adult clothes .25cents?

13) I have the beginnings of a sore throat. Ugh.

14) I am the bargain queen! Well, kinda. When it comes to some things I am. I went to a thrift store Thursday and got Layna a $49 walker for $5, only thing wrong is dead battery. Also got her 12 articles of clothing, most for .25 a piece, including a Roxy swimsuit she can wear when she fits in a 2T. The most expensive was the dress seen below. Paid $5, looked the brand up online, and they sell for $40-60!!! Friday I went to a yard sale and got her four outfits and myself two shirts and a dress, all for $5. Today I went to another yard sale and got about 7-8 more outfits for her, including a Titans cheerleader outfit, and myself two shirts and a pair of Cato jeans for $5!! This evening we went to get Bugz some work boots. Went to the bargain room and found a pair of used Ariat work boots. One of the lace hooks was missing. They were asking $49.99, where brand new price was probably well over $100. I asked them if it could be fixed and they said yes. Gave us the name of a guy that could fix them, then knocked off $20!! So yeah, I love me a bargain!

15) Layna and I both just jumped at a loud clap of thunder, and now the rain is picking up. Time for some good sleeping!

Sunday Confessions

Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. It has been a week since my last confession.

But, yanno, even though it's only been a week, that is a week too long. We should be confessing every day, because we all sin in some way or another every day. Whether it be greed, anger, jealousy, gluttony, or some other sin, and believe me, there are plenty.

My sins today are jealousy, envy, and judgment. Well, not just those three, but the ones I'm gonna talk about anyway.

Yes, I am a jealous, envious person. I am jealous of those that have a lot of money. So much that they can throw it around like its no big deal. They have the big houses, fancy cars, flashy clothes. While I know some of them are probably living beyond their means (robbing Peter to pay Paul), they still have it all. Some of them are probably compensating for something; loss of family, insecurity from past hurts, growing up with nothing so thinking you have to have it all. And then there are those that brag about it, show it off. Those people I am the most jealous of.

Why? Because it seems as though the good people always finish last. The ones that try so hard and try to do what's right always end up at the bottom. I'm not a lazy bum like some of these people. Yes, I could very well go out and take any job I could find so that I can provide for my daughter. But you want another confession? I honestly think that I would have a mental breakdown if I had to be away from Layna for too long. I just don't think I could do it. So yes, I am envious of the people that have enough money to live comfortably without having to worry how they are going to get money for diapers and gas and even toilet paper.

I am also envious of those that have happy lives. I know that everyone has struggles that not everyone knows about, but there are just some people you can tell that they have a great relationship, that they love their job, that they are genuinely happy. I want that. I want to be happy. I have lost that somewhere along the way. Whether it be from being hurt so many times or from lack of money to be able to provide for my child, lots of factors add in to it all.

Yes, I am envious of the family that has the big house with the pool. Yes I am envious of the couple that love each other so much they can't live without the other, that they'd do anything for each other.

Where does the judgment come in? I have no right to say that these people, who have things better than I do, are stuck up, snobby, snooty, and whatever else comes up when you see them. While its true some of them may be, acting like they are too good for their own family and former friends, showing off what they have or how much they have, it is not my place to judge them. Even though I sometimes do.

In the end, it doesn't matter, though, what we have, how much money we have, who we have by our side, its what is in our hearts that matters. If we don't have Jesus in our hearts, and God in our lives, we have nothing.

Zip. Zilch. Nada.

And only God can truly judge us by our actions, how we treat others, who we take care of when its most important. We do not get to Heaven on our good deeds, but without Jesus and forgiveness, our bad deeds can surely get us to Hell.

So Father, please help me to work through my sins. Help me to understand that I don't need a fancy house, just a clean one. Help me to see that I don't have to have a brand new shiny car, just one that runs well and gets me to where I need to go. Help me to accept that I am who I am, and that my life is in Your hands, and that You don't care how I dress or how much money I have, You love me anyway. And please help me to not judge others, because even though it is hard to admit, everyone does it, and its that judgment that hurts us all in the end.

Sunday Confessions

I confess that today, this Sunday, I miss going to church. I miss my church family, even though it was for the best that I leave the church. We have yet to pick another one, although we have one we like, but it's too far away with no gas money. I am ready to find a church and get back in the Sunday routine.

I also confess that I am a crazy person. I love my daughter, but sometimes she drives me SO nuts that I need a break from her. But what do I do on my break? Wish I was with her. I don't like being away from her, even though I need that break sometimes.

My last confession; if you read it, and it doesn't apply to you, yet you are hurt/offended/insulted by it, then maybe you need to think about why. Are there things that you need to change as well? Just like when you go to church and the preacher starts preaching, and you start feeling guilty. Why? He (or she) isn't preaching directly to you, didn't call out your name. Because you know you do/relate to what is being said. Because you know it applies to your life in some way. So think about it. Where do your priorities lie?

Today I went to pick up some things I won off of the .50 Auction site. I was amazed at the crowd of people in the HS parking lot. I got Layna a toy for $2 and a pair of cute little boots for $1.50. I am thinking I might try and sell some stuff, but not sure if it would be worth it, .50 here and there. But....any money will help.

More Randomness

1) I closed out my checking account because they were charging me, and I couldn't afford a $6 fee every month when I have no income. This is a good thing, though. I see SO much on eBay and etsy I want, and now I have no way to pay for it. I also can't use a Redbox now, as you have to have a credit/debit card to rent, and now I don't.

2) Why are there SO many cute shoes for babies Layna's size, and why are they so expensive? I mean, she's not walking yet, so they are for looks only. Why pay so much for shoes she'll only wear a short time? They are so stinking cute tho.

3) I got banned and blocked from a Facebook group last night. A majority of the people seemed really helpful, positive, encouraging. But all it takes is one jerk to ruin it all. But....its their loss. They won't get to see the awesome crochet work I do.

4) I am hungry, but my child won't let me put her down. She's asleep, but when I lay her down she wakes and cries.

5) My child was not created under the best of circumstances, but I'm so glad she's here now.

6) I have a TON of Tony Stewart stuff for sale if anyone wants it.

7) I am sleepy.

8) I cannot sit around doing nothing, so it irritates me when I just sit with Layna. I love her, but sitting staring at the blank TV while I rock her drives me nuts. I want to be productive. Wash dishes, do laundry, crochet. Ok, mostly crochet.

9) I got fleas from my cousin's house.  :/

10) Layna feels clammy.

11) I need some wine.

12) Someone has been asleep since 4pm.
13) I cannot wait to go to a pumpkin patch this Fall. Maybe Grandaddy's Farm, or Lucky Ladd, beings I've never been to it. Or maybe both! Hayrides, slides, pig races, corn box, pumpkin picking, petting zoo. I'm getting excited!

14) Also craving pumpkin pie.

15) My 1500 calorie diet SUCKS!!!

16) I made Layna a sweater, and working on another one.

Randomness Returns

1) Watching "Annie" the original on DVD. I thought this was a kids movie, but they say GD a couple of times at the end. Wow.

2) I hate lies.

3) I hate mosquitoes.

4) I am so ready for Fall.

5) Some people just don't get it....if I unfriend you, don't try to add me back. I got rid of you for a reason.

6) People don't want you coming over to their house ALL the time, and late at night to boot.

7) My tooth hurts horribly.

8) I can't eat because my child is throwing a fit.

9) I still have no job, still have no unemployment money. Now have no food stamp money, and am completely broke.

10) On this diet, tuna fish is my friend. Not much else I can eat.

11) Really craving sweets.

12) Layna ate her supper outside tonight. Felt so good!

Robin Williams and Layna

I am deeply saddened by Robin Williams's suicide. Any suicide bothers me, but his has had a great impact on me.

You have to wonder, how can someone so successful and play such crazy, exuberant characters, have that much darkness inside him?

Yet, I know how.

For someone who battles with depression, nothing makes you happy. Everything covers you like that wet blanket that Todd Anderson describes in Dead Poets Society. You try to run, you try to hide, you medicate, you drink, you even resort to comedy.

Remember the class clown? He wanted attention. Because he was lonely, because he wanted acceptance, because he wanted to hide the darkness he covered it up with fake laughter and comedic relief.

Don't get me wrong, Robin was a genius! His sense for comedy was astounding. His characters, voices, even his singing....the man was a comic God.

But how long did that comedy hide what was really inside.

For some, to imagine that someone could take their own life is impossible. They can't begin to fathom just how deep that darkness can go.

And if they've never been there, they will never know.

Report from the sheriff says that there was a knife on the scene and superficial wounds on his left wrist. To me, this would be a possible sign of SI.

Now, I could be totally wrong. He could have sat in that chair and seriously thought about wrist slitting first, then realized he couldn't do it.

Or it could have been SI.

If it was, how long did he suffer from it? Did he try to relieve his anguish with the act of SI and it just didn't work this time? He stopped drinking, what else could he do to hide the darkness? To make the darkness go away? To make it feel that less painful?

Was, for him, suicide the only way left out of the darkness?

We may never know. The only way we would know is if he did in fact leave a note, as the sheriff somewhat hinted to in his press conference. If he did, we won't know for another few weeks yet.

And maybe we're not supposed to know. God let's everything happen for a reason. Maybe God knew that Robin would never be truly happy until the darkness was gone forever. Maybe He allowed it to happen so that Robin could be free, and that others who need help will have the courage to do so.

Not to jump on the whole "everyone is saying it" bandwagon, because yes, even Robin himself said it once, but as someone who has battled both SI and depression, I urge EVERYONE to keep an eye out for SI and depressive behaviors in your family and loved ones, coworkers, fellow classmates, even your neighbor! Anyone can suffer from either or, or both, of these diseases, and when it becomes too much to bear, they CANNOT handle it alone. Be there for them, help them, encourage them, help them get the help they need.

Stop, drop, and pray. Millions suffer from these diseases, and thousands have died because of them. Pray that they get the help they need, before it is too late.

R.I.P. Robin Williams, Oh Captain, my Captain.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Sadness aside, let's talk about the day I had today.

My child has a horrible rash. It has covered her arms and hands, legs and feet, chest, and butt, and as of this evening is now getting her forehead.

I took her to the doctor, extremely worried about what is wrong with her.

What do I get told?

Well, it could be strep, but highly doubtful because of her age and the fact that she isn't running a fever and is happy and smiling. So honestly, we have no idea what it is, but it is more than likely viral. It should go away in a few days.

Um....what? My child has red bumps covering almost all of her body, and you can't even begin to tell me what it is? What kind of viral condition could she have to break her out like that? What steps are you taking to find out? (They did do a throat swab to check for strep, even though she had a great looking throat and no fever.)

So here I am, highly upset. What am I supposed to do for my child? My plan is to give it two days, then get a second opinion.

Today was a good day with Grammy Sue, though. Layna jabbered away with her, reached for her hand, and sat in her lap for a while too. And Grammy Sue got her some shoes! (Well, she paid for them...I got them.) They are SO cute! She was in her walker scooting across Grammy Sue's shag carpet, although she can only go backwards. Haha!

I will refrain from mentioning the rest of the day, which made me so ill I wanted to throw things, break something, tell someone where to go. All I can do at this moment is pray that things will get better. I should know better by now, but it doesn't hurt to hope, right?

Sunday Confessions

I haven't written a lot lately.

No, that is not my confession.

It seems to be that I am taking two medications that can cause nightmares.

While for the most part they don't bother me so much, the last few weeks have been bad. Last nights was the worst.

I don't want to go into detail about it, as if it might make it come true, and I am not ready for that. My confession does have to do with my dream tho.

I feel guilty for being somewhat happy about the events in my dream. It was horrible, something I don't want to think about but is going to happen, and probably soon. Yet when it happens, it will also help me out to some extent.

Thus the reason why I feel guilty, and the reason why I woke up so upset this morning.

Then I find out this morning that the guy I root for in NASCAR ran over and killed someone at the dirt track last night.

I will admit, I have somewhat lost interest in him over the last year, mainly because his driving has gone down somewhat. He hasn't been finishing well. I am not a fair weather fan, I've rooted for him for over 12 years.

But this incident has left me scarred.

At first I was sympathetic towards him. I mean, he has to feel horrible for this tragic accident, right?

Then I start reading statements, comments, and watching the raw eyewitness video over and over.

I am sickened.

Tony Stewart is an excellent driver. He has been driving and competing since he could walk. He's driven almost anything you can imagine that has a steering wheel and has excelled in all of them, winning numerous championships in many different classes; USAC, Indy, dirt, Nascar, to name a few. His ability to drive a 4-wheeled vehicle of any kind with control and skill is what has made him the Champion he is. His driving and competitiveness has been likened to the late great Dale E.

Even the most skilled driver can make mistakes.

But that's just it.....mistakes.

Upon watching the video over and over, I'm not sure that it was a mistake.

I believe that the OUTCOME was a mistake, but not the act which caused it.

It is no secret that Tony is a hothead. He has been in many fights. He has jumped out of his own car and thrown his helmet at a fellow Nascar driver. He has taken retaliation on and off the track. Yet this one was the worst one he could have done.

I didn't want to believe it, but as I watched the video three, four, five times, you can tell many factors to see that the act of what he did (not the outcome) was intentional.

1) He is higher up on the track than the other drivers are. Comments on various media outlets say that he had no way of knowing the accident had happened and that he had no time to react and get out of the way. Yet he is going faster than all the other drivers, he knew he clipped the car to cause the wreck (pinning him against the wall), and when he comes around close to him, you can hear him accelerate his engine.

2) Fans say he accelerated to get out of the way, thus causing his back end to swing out and clip the driver, standing on the track. Tony has much more driver control of a vehicle than that. It seems as though he accelerated and swung towards him on purpose, maybe to scare him, not realizing that what actually happened would happen, though it was still careless nonetheless.

3) He still plans on racing in the Nascar race today. I know he bleeds racing, but this is just wrong. Out of respect to the family of the young man he killed, he needs to sit this one out. He should feel enough remorse and grief over what he's done that he wouldn't even want to get behind the wheel.

4) The released statements from his PR, or at least what I've seen so far, are at best empty and unsympathetic. While I have seen that Tony is working with authorities about the matter, their PR statements read as if he had nothing to do with it...."Tony was not hurt". Really? That was our main concern? He runs over someone, but luckily HE didn't get hurt. And its "business as usual" today at Watkins Glen, as if nothing happened.

Granted, Ward should have NEVER gotten out of his car and stood on the race track. That was his mistake. A mistake that sadly cost him his life.

I pray for his family today, who is grieving his loss in a way no family should have to.

And yes, even though I have now felt that I can no longer be a Tony Stewart fan, I pray for him as well. I pray that he realizes what he did was wrong, that he understands that his hothead ways has to stop, that his actions have scarred a family for life, and that he does not get away so lightly for what he's done. I pray that he is sympathetic, although that hasn't really shown yet. If he releases a statement later on showing remorse for what he's done, I might change my mind.

But I doubt it.

*Want to watch for yourself? Please be advised, it is graphic and there is foul language.

DISCRETION ADVISED - NASCAR driver Tony Stewart H…: http://youtu.be/qILmIyG6qno

Funday Monday

Layna and I went to spend some time today with my bestie Brandy, her daughters Reagan and Aeryn, their GiGi, and Brandy's dad. Layna had a good time, and the girls loved playing with her. She laid in the floor with Reagan and watched TV and rolled over quite a few times, and she went outside with Daddy O'Kelley for a while too.

When we left, we went to my neighbor/friend Karen's house and visited with her and my mom's bestie Glinda. They both held her and had her smiling. We didn't stay long, though, because she started getting fussy and Karen's son and friend were there sleeping off a bad wreck they had yesterday. So I brought her home and fed her.

Her whole schedule has been off whack today, and she has been horribly spitting up all day too, but luckily she just went to sleep. Hopefully she'll stay asleep and I'll get to sleep too. We didn't sleep much last night. Bed at 10ish, I woke up at 12, she woke up at 2am wide awake till 3am, went back to sleep at 3:15, she woke back up at 6:30. That makes for a very long day, at least for me anyway. If I don't get enough sleep, I am exhausted and cranky all day. That makes for a bad day. lol 

Sunday Confessions

So my Sundays are going to be for confessions. Every Sunday I will confess something, whether it be a deep dark secret, something you might not know about me, or just something silly.

Here is my first confession:

I totally blew my diet today. The food part was somewhat healthy, as I had roast, potatoes, corn, apples, rice, green beans, chow chow, and a pickle.

It was the dessert that got me.

Birthday cake!

Yeah, I had three pieces.

Oops.

But it was SO good!

Nightmares Round Two

Last night was another doozy. I'm not sure what's causing these dreams, but I wish I could stop it.

I'm not exactly sure how it started out. We were at someone else's house and there was a young girl, 8-10 years old, that was painting/sticking a pink swirly design up my arm.

Somehow we end up back at "home". Our house is directly behind another house, maybe 4-5 car lengths between our front and their back.

Its the middle of the night, and we see red flashing lights and hear sirens. I say " I hope that little girl didn't call the cops because I took that pink stuff off!" (Like it is some big deal)

We jump out of bed and run to the front of the house to look out the windows. Red lights are leaving the house in front, and I'm sitting there listening to the scanner, which is under the window.

A huge bean bag and a blanket appear, so I lay down on it while the scanner goes off, talking about the woman they picked up and are taking to the hospital. (If they said what was wrong, I don't remember)

Next thing I know, my front door bursts open and an older lady is inside. She is demanding I help her. I tell her that the ambulance has already taken her off to the hospital, what could I do? She gets very mad about this and starts yelling at me. I told her that all I could do was pray. She snatched an angel off my table, one that in the dream was one that my mom had given me, and was walking out the door. Two other women showed up and were standing outside the door. I told her I would call the cops for breaking and entering, as well as theft. They took off.

I called the hospital and asked to speak to the cop that was with the patient they had just brought in. I talked to a lady officer, told her all what happened, and she said someone would come out there.

Before anyone showed up, the ladies came back, threatening and wouldn't go away. I yelled for (someone) to get Layna and bring her in with us instead of being alone in her room, in case they tried to take her. I told the ladies if they came back again I'd have my gun ready for them. Anthony sticks his head out the door behind me and says he has his shotgun too.

They leave, then come back. I try to call the cops, but can't find the number. So I get my gun. They are standing at the right front corner of the house, in the yard a ways, and they are taunting me, saying the gun is not real. I point and shoot, not at them but next to them, so they know it's real. The bullet whizzes past one, makes a u-turn, and comes back at me! I am terrified, but as the bullet hits me, its like its hitting a pillow. It barely bumps me, then bounces off and hits the floor.

They are scared. They haven't seen this, but they know the gun is real. They try to run, but I shoot them. The bullets? Like Velcro, they stick to the front of one lady's shirt. They don't enter, they don't maim, and they certainly don't kill. I am devastated.

A cop shows up, and I'm on the front porch with a gun. He gets mad at me for having the gun and leaves. The ladies are back, and they get in a red car, followed by a older brown truck and a newer roof d truck. I call the cops to give them descriptions of the vehicles and then hang up. They do nothing.

We decide we're going to leave, go somewhere we think is safe. We get in there, behind a counter, and surprise surprise, the ladies come in! I try to call the cops but I can't find their number. I call what I think is the right one, its an old man that is quick to tell me I got the wrong number and hangs up on me. I think about the number and dial it again. Same old man. He begins to gripe at me, and I beg him to help. I tell him what's going on.

Somehow we end up back at home again. I am there with four guys, all sitting on the sofa. I am standing up next to them. In busts one of the ladies. She has a handgun herself, and she says, "I knew you'd get a gun, so I got one better!" and she shoots at the guys. Somehow, the handgun shoots a bullet that blasts a hole through all four guys on the sofa. She shot from the side, so the first one in line only had a puncture wound in the stomach, but it got worse the further it went back. The last guy's stomach had a big gaping hole. I scream and cry out at the lady, mad at her for hurting my boyfriend and friends (whoever they were).

At some point (before the shooting on the sofa), one of the ladies tried to sneak up to our house on horseback, like we wouldn't see her. At another point we were sitting on the front porch, in daylight, and these guys come up. One asked for me by name, and then started talking about the women. I started explaining to them what happened, and that I was the victim.

From there I don't really remember much more. I think that was enough to remember though. Enough that it has me wanting a bigger gun now. I know my .22 will not do what it did in the dream, but I still want something bigger.

And I want to stop these scary dreams. I've had enough.

Nightmares for the New Month

So, with all this high cholesterol business, I have become a huge worry wart. While I HATE this diet business, I know it needs to be done, for my health and for Layna's sake.

Yet, I worry. Dad has had a stroke in the past (didn't know he did, but it showed up on the tests). A great aunt on my Dad's side died of....heart attack I believe. My mom's sister has had heart issues, her brother has had multiple bypasses, so has her dad, and her mother's sister died of heart failure.

And that's only the ones I know.

So yeah, I am scared. I am a huge mess, worrying how long I'll be here for Layna, what will happen to me, when will it happen?

Just like I know I need to find a job, I know I need to work, but even though she drives me nuts sometimes, I want to spend every moment with Layna, in case something does happen. I don't want to be away from her.

Last night I had a horrible dream. Funny, it wasn't about my health or losing Layna or anything. It was about Nascar.

Now, you are probably saying "What? Why are you worried about a Nascar dream?"

Its because of the severity of the dream, the impact that it had on me.

We were watching, whether on TV or live was hard to tell or was back and forth. There was a horrific crash, only a few cars in front made it, the rest were caught up in the crash.

Now the details from here are sketchy. There was a huge pile, stacked upside down, sideways, and every which way. Reports on TV and online were that there were multiple fatalities, then they would hush it, as if they didn't want anyone to know. The count of fatalities that I remember was between 13-17. We tried to search the internet for information, but they were concealing it. You could feel the sadness, the heaviness, the depression.

When I woke up, that wouldn't go away. I am a big Nascar fan, but just looking at the pictures of teams on Facebook today brings back the dream again, over and over. Reliving that sad feeling over and over.

I don't know if there is any symbolism to the dream. Possibly the swiftness of the cars is how fast we live our lives, and the crash is how it can all come to an end in the blink of an eye. The secrecy, I can't figure out. 13-17, years left?

All I know is it shook me to the core, and I am ready to try and make things better. Whatever that may be.

For Layna.

For me.