When I first started this blog, my child was a newborn. I had no idea what I was doing. I was struggling to stay awake for the 2am feedings. I needed a creative outlet to put down my thoughts, questions, fears, and all around random stuff that was swimming in my brain.
I have missed that outlet. I have missed my rants and raves, my utter randomness, and my funny stories. I go back and read my previous entries and smile, laugh, cry, and wonder how I made it through the first year.
Sadly, there isn't a bottle anymore. My daughter has been with a sippy for a long time now, and due to my living conditions, my only "bottle" is one filled with water. There aren't any 2am feedings anymore, but there are daytime naps, early bedtimes, early morning wakeups, and the occasional insomnia nights where she's bouncing off the walls till 11pm or later.
Its just her and I now.....and my 91 year old Grandma. Things never work out the way you want them to, but as the old saying goes, I guess everything happens for a reason. We don't know what that reason is until it is revealed, and that isn't always immediate. And yes, it SUCKS. Quite a bit of it sucks, for that matter. Unfortunately, there's nothing I can do about it, so I am just along for the ride.
A lot has changed for me in two years, yet a lot has stayed the same. I've gained weight that I can't lose. I've had to endure court dates and the fact that Layna's dad wants nothing to do with her. I've become bitter due to the extreme negativity and hatefulness surrounding me on a daily basis. I've lost my religion. I've been lied to and had my heart broken. I've even had bad luck with vehicles!
But I'm still here and still kicking. I have to be honest, though. If Layna was not in my life, I probably would have given up a long time ago. I live for her. Soon I will have to find a job, and pulling myself away from her is going to be so hard. I don't really know how I am going to manage, but I must.
For my daughter, who is my life.