Tuesday, February 16, 2016

Lets Katsup!

When I first started this blog, my child was a newborn. I had no idea what I was doing. I was struggling to stay awake for the 2am feedings. I needed a creative outlet to put down my thoughts, questions, fears, and all around random stuff that was swimming in my brain.

I have missed that outlet. I have missed my rants and raves, my utter randomness, and my funny stories. I go back and read my previous entries and smile, laugh, cry, and wonder how I made it through the first year.

Sadly, there isn't a bottle anymore. My daughter has been with a sippy for a long time now, and due to my living conditions, my only "bottle" is one filled with water. There aren't any 2am feedings anymore, but there are daytime naps, early bedtimes, early morning wakeups, and the occasional insomnia nights where she's bouncing off the walls till 11pm or later.

Its just her and I now.....and my 91 year old Grandma. Things never work out the way you want them to, but as the old saying goes, I guess everything happens for a reason. We don't know what that reason is until it is revealed, and that isn't always immediate. And yes, it SUCKS. Quite a bit of it sucks, for that matter. Unfortunately, there's nothing I can do about it, so I am just along for the ride.

A lot has changed for me in two years, yet a lot has stayed the same. I've gained weight that I can't lose. I've had to endure court dates and the fact that Layna's dad wants nothing to do with her. I've become bitter due to the extreme negativity and hatefulness surrounding me on a daily basis. I've lost my religion. I've been lied to and had my heart broken.  I've even had bad luck with vehicles!

But I'm still here and still kicking. I have to be honest, though. If Layna was not in my life, I probably would have given up a long time ago. I live for her. Soon I will have to find a job, and pulling myself away from her is going to be so hard. I don't really know how I am going to manage, but I must.

For my daughter, who is my life.

I Love You

I love you.

Three simple words.

They can melt your heart. They can break your heart. They can make you smile. They can make you cry.

They can mean the world.....or nothing at all.

Some people say it because they genuinely mean it. Some people say it out of habit. Some people don't mean it when they say it. And some just don't even say it at all.

When my daughter says "I love you mama!" she doesn't know what it means, but she knows I tell her all the time, so she tells me. First thing when she wakes up next to me in bed, she says it. When I leave the room and she comes looking for me she says it. Actually, she tells everyone and everything that she loves them/it. She even hugs the car and says it.

My grandma will tell Layna that she loves her all the time. She never tells me.

My dad will only tell Layna he loves her if she says it first. He never tells me.

I've been in relationships where I was told those words and they didn't mean anything. They've been said many times so the guy could get what they wanted until they found something better.

I've had acquaintances roll it off their tongue like it was nothing to say to all their "friends". I've had family members say it in passing but never back it up with actions to prove it.

I love you.

Those three little words that are supposed to mean so much get tossed around on a daily basis with no true meaning.

If you truly do not love someone, with every fiber of your being, then don't say it!  Don't use those words for manipulation, to get what you want. Don't use those words with an empty meaning just because it's convenient, or everyone else is saying it. Don't lead someone on with empty promises and false hopes, only to dash as soon as you find something better.

If you do truly love someone, deep down in your heart, your soul, your every breath, then tell them. Don't hide it. Don't wait till it's too late. Show them in every way you can. Don't let them believe you don't care for them because you are too lazy to tell them or to show it.

I love you.

Three little words that can make or break your heart.

Monday, February 15, 2016

I'm Back With Randomness!

1) Happiness always comes with a price.

2) Don't we all deserve to be happy?

3) Having a rambunctious two year old is tiring.

4) Watching horrible adult cartoons on a Sunday night is NOT a smart thing to do with a two year old who is a mockingbird.

5) A 91 year old set in her ways is very hard to deal with!

6) Deadbeat parents, biological or not, should be shot. Its not about money, it's about being a good parent!

7) Sometimes I wish my daughter hadn't learned the word "Mama".

8) Don't say you are going to do something and not do it, or never have any intention of doing it.

9) Being a single mother sucks.

10) Sleep is VERY underrated.

11) I want to reread the Harry Potter series.

12) I am addicted to reading Amish fiction, and wish that (without the religion) I could live that way sometimes, in the more simpler life.

13) I can't end this on 13, just because.

14) I hope it snows at least one more big snow before the season is over. My daughter and I both love the snow.

15) Sleep is VERY underrated. (did I say that already?)