My Day

1) Before I'm even out of my jammies, the State comes knocking on my door telling me that if my landlord doesn't do anything about the septic leak in the back yard, they will take ME to court! It has been leaking for TWO YEARS and he hasn't done anything.

2) Get the new umbrella stroller out that I bought on clearance yesterday to put it together for our trip to the library. Its missing the front wheels!!!!!! Then I dug through nasty garbage to find the receipt.

3) Get to the library, print out my label to send the phone in that is defective. Talk to the library lady and she hinted to me that Layna was too young for the story time, that in a few more months she could come. (Called her a choice name under my breath.)

4) Learned we do not have a FedEx in town anymore.....I have to go to Murfreesboro to send off my phone.

5) Almost get hit on the way home. Twice.

6) Call my doctor's new office because I really need my Zoloft now....they don't take my insurance! So now I have to start all over....again.

7) Layna was fussy all afternoon, even at the neighbor's house.

8) Get a txt from my landlord. Jerk knows we didn't pay last month because Bugz didn't work much due to the snow-ice-rain, but that I was going to pay this weekend. He said the water department was going to shut him down if he didn't fix the sewer, and that if we don't pay him rent he will make us move. TWO YEARS he's had to clean that mess up and fix it, yet now it's MY fault and I'm going to lose my place to live.

9) Go to the powder room to...well, yanno....look in the mirror; the capris I am wearing, only one of two pair I can wear, have busted out at the front pocket. I am so fat I busted my pants and now only have one pair left.

10) Too stressed to eat, my stomach is in knots.

I know there was more....especially this morning after the State guy left, but I just have SO much on me right now I can't remember it all.

So yeah, I had a horrible day!

Justification

Justification does not replace confession.

Justification is pretty much an admission that you think your wrong doing is ok, or should be forgiven, because of your justification.

Saying "I did that because" is called an excuse. It doesn't matter what kind of excuse you make, it doesn't take the place of confessing what you did.

God calls us to confess our sins, not make excuses for them.

So you say, "Well, you know, I knew that cheating on my spouse was wrong, but he/she is so mean they drove me away. I had no choice." But you know what, that's only an excuse to justify your sin.

You may have confessed by admitting you did it, but then you tried to justify your sin.

There is no justification in sin, it's wrong no matter what the reason.

Look what happened to Adam and Eve. They were given specific instructions. They knew right from wrong. But Eve let the serpent tempt her. Adam let Eve tempt her. Their excuse? Blame it on the serpent, blame it on Eve. No "I'm sorry that I was weak, that it was my fault for giving in." Now I'm not saying that God would have forgiven them if they had just confessed without justification, but what if he had? Where would we be now? 

There is no excuse for sin, for doing the wrong thing. We all do it, every day.

Some things we may slip on, not realize we are doing it till after its done. That's when we say, "I didn't realize, I was caught up doing ____." When all we should say is, "I did that, I did wrong, forgive me."

Some things we know we do on purpose. I will give you some examples of my own that I have done and some I do still:

1) I had relationships with quite a few married men in my past (not anymore). I knew it was wrong, but what was my justification? No one else wanted me and they treated me 100% better than single guys did because they had to try harder to win me over (which sadly was true).

2) Pornography - Justification, as long as I was watching it I wasn't out cheating, and then it became imagining myself and my mate doing those things and not really seeing the "actors".

3) Pre-Marital sex.....so many justifications here! Everyone else does it. How will you know if you are truly compatible if you don't? No one will want me if I don't (sad, but true). I love him so much it's ok. (Please note that my child was conceived in sin, but I make NO excuses or try to justify what I did with him. It was wrong, I admit it and confess it, but the beauty for ashes was my daughter)

4) Cursing is a bad one for me that I still struggle with. Justification - "I'm sorry, God, you know I didn't mean it, I just get so mad and frustrated and it comes out before I can stop."

So now that I've confessed my big sins, let's analyze them.

Obviously all of them are horrible sins. There should be no justification for them whatsoever. No amount of reasoning, excuses, justification, can make anyone's sins acceptable, including mine. Instead of excuses, I should have just stopped and admitted what I did was wrong and asked, begged for forgiveness.

Once you ask for forgiveness, that doesn't mean you can do it again, either. I ask for forgiveness after the first affair, then go do it again, that doesn't excuse me from the next one too! When you know it's wrong, you quit.

Now, I'll admit, I still struggle with #2, and I wish I could justify it away, but I know I can't.

#3 I continue to do daily, even though I know it's wrong. After 8 years with the same person, it is hard to stop. But I can guarantee you that if this fall's apart, the next one isn't getting anything until I walk the isle, because that's the way it should be. (Notice my justification there?)

#4 is even worse, because when I get real upset or angry, or frustrated, I am like someone with Tourette syndrome, it pours out of me uncontrollably. Sometimes I can catch myself and say God Bless It, or Heavens to Betsy, or even use the words off of Sci-fi shows where they make up their own curse words, like Frack (from Battlestar Galactica). But nine times out of ten, I can't catch myself and it comes rolling out.

This is where intervention steps in.

Sometimes you have to admit you need help. Do not be ashamed to admit it. It is nothing to be ashamed about. With my anger and anxiety issues, I need to be taking a medication. I was tested to see which one would work best for me (and I was already taking it) so that is what helped me tremendously.

That said, I ran out of refills and my doctor moved too far away. I haven't had any pills in over two months, and it is showing. #4 is the worst, with every other word coming out a curse word when I get upset or agitated.

Now, technically this is not a justification, but a factual statement. A chemical imbalance in your body is something that can not be blamed on you, you didn't create it or make yourself have it, thus the reason you need to get help if you have a problem.

No, my justification in this situation is not going to the doctor. I don't go because 1)My doc moved too far away to drive to on a regular basis and 2) It is very hard to get an antidepressant from a doctor who doesn't know you or your history very well, thanks to all the drug abusers out there.

Instead of trying to justify why I won't go to the doctor, which would in essence almost eliminate #4, I should just go. I should just do it.

Now that we've covered quite a few different kinds of sins and justifications, lets get to you.

Take a look at your life. How many things do you justify on a daily basis? Don't lie, everyone sins. Greed, gluttony, lust, envy....bet you do one of those four every day, at least. Watching tv and saying, "Man that guy/girl is hot!" Or indulging in that extra piece of cake at the party (guilty!) Or how about seeing someone new car, house, or yes, even a new baby, and being envious  of what they have that you don't.

Think about those, then think about your excuses, your justifications. If you have to, keep a notebook of things you do and your justifications you use for them.

Do you see areas of your life you could work on? Are you things you can let go? Can you admit what you have done, or are doing, and ask for forgiveness without justification? And can you quit? Do you need help? Do you need a support group?

I admitted it, now can you?

Total and Utter Randomness

1) I gave up Facebook for Lent. I just need to get away from that mess of judgement, stupidity, and other crap that is on there.

2) Family should come FIRST before anyone else. Yes, friends are important too, and without friends some people have nothing, but your own flesh and blood and their needs should come before your friends. Family should also, ALWAYS, come before your drugs.

3) I find it funny how people defend their sins. As if saying "Its ok for me to watch that movie that is about as close to porn as you can get, because my husband and I have done it all before." makes it any better that you are watching something that God would not be happy about. Then go sit in church and give him that excuse.

4) It is stupid cold outside! This morning it was -1° when I got up with Layna at 6:30. In Tennessee. Really?

5) We got ice, and a tiny bit of snow, but if it's gonna be this stupid cold, we need at least a foot of snow on the ground!

6) I have gotten to where I can't even read one of my used to be favorite authors anymore because of her "soft porn" descriptions of relationships in her books, even the ones about angels!! Really? You are going to write about Heaven and angels and on the same page write about a man doing unmentionable things with his wife. I realize we are all human, but I don't want to read about it.

7) I cooked supper and it is sitting in the kitchen, waiting for someone to come home, roaches circling it just waiting to devour it themselves.

8) Yes, I have roaches. I have had them for over a year and can't get rid of them. It doesn't help that there has been sewage in my back yard for two years where the landlord won't fix the septic. This place needs to burn to the ground.

9) If we could afford to move we would, but rent is stupid high everywhere and with only one income right now, it's impossible, especially when I don't see any of that income except rent money. Where the rest goes? Who knows.

10) I have gained so much weight over the last few months that I weigh more now than I did when I was pregnant with Layna, which depresses me even more and makes me gain even more.

11) I really miss drinking my wine. I am a good person, tho, and not drinking in front of the sober person in the house that needs to stay alcohol free after all this time.

12) My child is driving me insane.

13) Did I mention I need wine?

14) I extremely dislike having dogs in the house now that I have Layna. They are a stinky, shedding, hyperactive mess!

15) I hate carpet!

16) I really want some snow.

17) It's kinda funny, but it feels like Christmas never happened last year. It was too hectic and chaotic and just went by way too fast.

18) I slept with a stuffed animal up till the point Layna was born. Not really sure why, just always did and couldn't sleep if I didn't.

19) I also used to have to sleep with a sound machine. I can get away with a fan now, but if the power goes off I am screwed. I have to find a  portable radio and turn it on dead air so I can sleep to the static, and even then it's not the same and I have a problem sleeping.

20) Sometimes I think someone else would be a better mama for Layna, because I'm not cut out for it. But I wouldn't trade her for the world.

21) My child won't take a paci, never has, but she will sure chew on her bottle!

22) I really need my Zoloft back.

23) I really like the new church we are going to. Everyone is friendly, the pastor gives good sermons, and it's small, so as not to get lost in the crowd. I'm hoping this works out for us. I miss the church I grew up in, but my forgiveness level is gone these days and I just can't go back.

24) A lot of people think it's ok to judge someone. I am guilty, though I try hard not to, some times it happens. But there are people that not only shouldn't pass judgement but shouldn't do so in front of others. Behind closed doors, to yourself is one thing, but to openly talk about someone, degrade them in public, is wrong for a pastor to do. Which is why I cannot go back to the church I grew up in. Who wants a pastor that talks about her congregation behind their backs to other congregation members?

25) Never stay with someone you know doesn't love you, it breaks your own soul down. It ruins your confidence. It shatters your heart. And it scars you for life.

26) Some of this has probably ticked some people off. It should be interesting to see who is left when I go back to Facebook. Do I care? Not really. I will speak my mind. I will stand up for myself and my faith. Don't like? Delete me.

27) I like to cuddle with my daughter while she's asleep, if she will let me.

28) I need sleep.

I Know You Lie.....Your Lips Are Moving

Yes, that is a song by Megan Trainor. I don't know all the words to the song like I do her other song that my daughter LOVES so much.....so much so that I had to play it over and over at her doctor's appointment today to keep her calm.

Back to the title.

There are some people that you just KNOW are lying as soon as they open their mouth. How do I know you are lying? Your lips are moving, aren't they?

Whether it be small fibs, embellishments, or flat out lies, some people are very easy to read.

I know one girl that slips in lies for some unknown reason. Unknown because they do her no good, so there's really no reason to lie. I think its more the embellishments, or storytelling. No....more like "drama". As if they have to tell a dramatic story to get attention, even if that means making something up to do so, or throwing in "facts" unconsciously to make the story sound better.

Then you have those that lie by embellishment on purpose, and I know quite a few of those. They have to one up you all the time. They know someone that you know (when they really don't). They know someone who has done the same thing that your cousin/friend just did/went through, but better/worse. They tell lies to make themselves look better, feel better, get more attention. And sometimes even to get sympathy, even when they don't need it, they just like feeling pampered, or to try to get something free.

Some people, on the other hand, you just don't know if you can trust. They play a good front, being your friend and doing so many good things for you. But what's behind that "front" they are putting on? And how can you tell if it's a front, or if its genuine?

Genuine is VERY hard to come by, I will not lie about that (ha ha). And when you do find that genuine person, who has your best interest at heart, who treats you with respect, then don't mess that up. Remember that saying "Do unto others..." and keep that in mind when you find a genuine. They are great friends, and you don't want to mess that up.

The "Fronts" are the ones that surround you every day. You run into them on the street, in the store, at the car lot, even in church! They will butter your bread while they are putting it in the toaster.

Car salesmen, whether at the big lot or the private seller, will lie through their teeth about that vehicle you are looking at in order to sell it. From the mechanical workings to the price, they will say anything to get that sell, to get another car off their lot. So how do you know you are getting a dependable vehicle?

Mechanics (some, not all) will list off a ton of things wrong with your vehicle so that they can charge you an arm and a leg to work on your car. And how can you argue with them? Are you a mechanic? Do you know what they are even talking about?

Salesmen in stores, especially those that work on commissions, will tell you that product you are looking at is THE best, when it might not be. It just might be the one they make the most commission off of.

We are surrounded by every day people that lie. From the ones that say, "That new restaurant that opened up down the street is delicious!" when its really nasty, to the ones that say, "No, I didn't hit your car with my car." or "Yes, my hair is naturally blonde!" to even those that say, "I love you."

And yes, those are the worst (besides lying preachers, in my opinion) because no lying betrayal hurts worse than finding out someone doesn't really love you when they say they do.

So how do we know the difference between when we hear the truth versus a lie?

Well, for the most part we don't. That is where trust comes in.

We have to trust that we aren't getting lied to. We have to trust that that person wouldn't intentionally hurt us. But guess what? They do!

Broken trust hurts more than you can imagine. People have had their trust broken so many times that they can't trust anyone anymore and their relationships fail. If you can't trust your spouse, even though they have given you no reason not to, then you will drive him/her away by the amount of distrust.

You have to be able to trust people, but you also have to be cautious:

If it seems too good to be true, it usually is.

If you don't believe the mechanic/salesman/doctor even, get a second opinion.

To some extent you have to have a little bit of trust in everyone, but it is up to us to decide just how much. And yes, sometimes we will be fooled, tricked, ran over, thrown in the toaster. But we have to learn from it and move on.

And hey, even babies lie. Don't believe me? Watch the next time they fake a cry to get attention.

Whiny Child = No Patience

I am with my child 24-7. I maybe get a break on Sundays for a few hours, but that's about it.

Please don't get me wrong, I love my child. I would do anything for her, and I don't know what I'd do without her.

That being said, I never wanted kids. Its not that I don't like them, because I do. I just knew that I had so many issues of my own that I needed to get myself right before I could ever think about a child.

But then Layna happened. I truly believe she was not an accident, though she was never intended to be created. I know she was supposed to happen, the signs were all there:

1) She was due on the day after the 11th anniversary of my mom's passing. Thank goodness she didn't come that day!

2) She ended up being a girl, which I know my mom would have loved.

3) Having her brought me back into a family that means so much to me and that I truly needed, both for her and for me.

Now, that still doesn't change the fact that I was in no way ready for her. As I have stated before, I was working a factory job where I worked 7 days a week, so my pregnancy was a blur for the most part. I was so busy and so tired I didn't even feel her move until late at night.

I quit work at the first of November. I gave birth the first of January. Two months I had to think about how my life was going to change.

But then there was the baby shower, and then Thanksgiving, and then Christmas, and then New Years. When I went into the hospital to have Layna, I didn't even have a bag packed! Her room was not ready yet, it was still a mess of stuff to organize. (In my defense, she was three weeks early, so I thought I had a little more time.)

I was not prepared.

It has been a year and almost a month, and I'm still not prepared. I still struggle with being a mom, handling the day to day bumps and humps we have to go through.

The lack of sleep, that is a big one for me. I am totally cranky as all get out when I don't have enough sleep. I wake up at every sound, so I wake up if she makes any kind of peep in the night. I might get a 3 hour sleep where I don't wake up, from that its an every hour or so wake up for some reason or another. It really drains me quickly.

The unclean house also drives me nuts. If I get behind, like I did this past week while I was sick, it is hard to get caught back up with a 1 year old that fusses if you aren't RIGHT THERE with her. And don't even suggest putting her in the high chair in the kitchen with me, she HATES being confined, so the high chair contentment only lasts maybe 5 minutes, then the fussing begins. Let me tell you, not having a dishwasher SUCKS!

The whining is the worst, though. I will admit my child is spoiled, there's no doubt about it. But this is not spoiled whining, and its not sick whining either. I know my child.

I just can't figure out the whining, and its driving me insane!

Its not because she's hungry, because I try to feed her and she won't eat.

Its not from her wanting to be held, because I pick her up and hold her and she has a fit. She squirms around till I put her down, and she cries again. No toys make her happy, not even her favorite cartoons. And I am the only one she does this with, except Daddy sometimes.

It usually last for a while, sometimes all day. It gets to a point where it goes on and on all day, and I lose my patience.

My grandma made me feel absolutely horrible when I told her I had to walk away from her while she was crying because I couldn't take it and I had to have a break. She informed me that she never had to do that, and I shouldn't leave her while she's crying.

I can't be the only one that can't handle a whiny child ALL DAY LONG. An hour or so maybe, but all day?

I'm sorry, but when my nerves have gotten to where they can't take anymore, I have to walk away. I don't leave her in danger, she is safe. Even if is just stepping outside while she's in her pack and play, she is safe, and soon I will be ok to go back and tackle it again.

I love my child, and would do anything for her, but sometimes I need a break from her.

It makes me want to go back to work, but then I can't imagine leaving her with anyone else, to care for her the way I am supposed to. I can't let someone else watch her and see a her "firsts" instead of me, especially when she will probably be my only one.

So alas, I fight my struggle every day for patience with my little whiny Layna bug. If you run into me and I'm less than friendly, or look a little stressed, you know I'm overdue for a long break.

Copycatting is the Highest Form of Flattery??

Ok, so I am not sure I phrased that right. I know there is a phrase like that, but I don't think "Copycatting" is the correct word.

Oh well, its my word.

But is the saying true?

On one hand, I'd like to think it is. That hand being the people that copycat me. Obviously they admire me enough that they have to like, say, and do everything I like, say, and do. And yes, I find it INCREDIBLY annoying, even though its supposed to be flattering.

Why?

Well, for one thing, sometimes you want something to be just yours. Something that you are good at, something you succeed in. When someone copycats you, they potentially take that away from you.

Take, for example, a hobby turned side business money maker. You start making something, using what little money you have to get it going. You haven't even started selling yet, still making, and your best friend says "Hey, I can do that!" and proceeds to use a lot more money than you have to buy the exact same stuff and start selling. The result? You have wasted money, and your bff is making more that she didn't need to begin with.

Another thing is when you like something. You like it so much it becomes your "trademark". Then your cousin/best friend/enemy starts liking it (because you do?) and it takes away the excitement for you for the subject. Which brings me to what I did last night.

I spent TWO HOURS at least, if not more, looking over decals for my new vehicle (is a small SUV considered a car or a truck, when used in a sentence?). I would see something that I used to like and think, " No, so-in-so has those all over her car, which happened not long after I had the first one on mine." Then I'd see a phrase from a movie and say, "No, I can't do that one, because even though I liked it first, (insert name) had never even seen the movie till I got her into it, and now she is obsessed with it."

Not to mention other reasons I rejected some of them; what if my little family doesn't stay at 3, how dumb would my stick family look if I had to scrape one off? 

Well, this all led me to the other hand of copycatting: the identity.

After a certain amount of copycatting, you begin to lose your own identity and become someone else.

How is that, you say? Let me explain.

Not all copycatting turns out this way. For example, I dated a guy long ago (Lord rest his soul...cancer sucks!) that was a huge NASCAR fan. I, to make him happy, "became" a fan, saying I liked the driver that he liked. Insert here a bit of identity fade.

When he and I broke up, I decided I needed another driver. This is when I got my identity back. I actually learned about racing, the drivers, and picked a driver all my own, who was fairly new in the big boys league (had already won the "not as big" boys league) and his background in racing was phenomenal. He went on that next year to win his first Cup title. NASCAR was my thing, and he was my driver. MY identity.

But, as I stated, it doesn't always work that way, either.

Think about the things you like. Where did you learn about them? Who introduced you to them? And the key question: Why do you like them?

There are so many things that I picked up over the years that I liked (or didn't like) just because someone else liked (or didn't like) them.

If I hadn't taken it upon myself to learn more about NASCAR after Jeremy, would I have ever liked it?

I had a crush on a guy that listened to Jackyl in high school. I started listening, because he listened. Would I have ever listened to them and liked them if it hadn't been for Brian? Probably not. And when I listen to them now, all these 21 years later, I think of him.

I loved sweet tea and would sit in my dad's lap and drink it all the time.....until my grandma said she hated sweet tea, and suddenly so did I, and I quit drinking it totally. Of course I drink it now, but imagine if we based our lives on what others said? What good stuff are you missing out on because someone else said they didn't like it, so you think its bad too?

I spent a weekend with my cousin and his wife one year, and they were huge fans of "The Office", so much so that I have a picture of my cousin as he was fishing wearing a Dunder Mifflin Paper Co. shirt. After having to watch it with them, I became obsessed with it and had to watch it myself. I have drifted away from liking it so much now, but I still haven't seen the season ender, so I have to watch it to see what happened.

There are some things I picked up along the way that I did because I really liked it; NASCAR, Harry Potter (thanks to my little cousin who kept on and on and on about it), The Walking Dead (which an ex got me hooked on). And there are things I picked up on my own, because I myself liked them, with no influence; NCIS, The Middle, authors galore of many great books that no one told me I had to read.

But it really gets you thinking; Do you like something because YOU like it, or because someone else did, so you just wanted to copycat them, whether you are aware you do or not, and now you are committed to it, whether you like it or not, because you invested in it?

Why do you like it? Is it because you genuinely like it, want to do/see/read/be it? If someone were to take it away, say you can't watch/read it, or even buy it anymore (yes, clothing is a copycat too), would you be devastated?

Why do you wear those cowboy boots? Is it because everyone else is wearing them, so you have to too? Or is it because they are comfortable, they help you get your job done, they are what you wear around your farm, not for a fashion show?

I will admit, I got on the camo (especially pink camo) bandwagon. No, I don't hunt, although if I had been taken when I was younger I probably still would to this day, as I love guns. But yes, I like pink camo. Why? Well....yeah, everyone else likes it, yeah its popular, but it is also pretty. But if it hadn't been so popular, would I have ever liked it?

I think about my daughter, who is only one year old. At that age they are so impressionable. I have given my child every opportunity to choose things she likes. That may sound dumb, but she is very strong willed and picky. If you hold up two of something, she will look at both and go for one versus the other. This goes for clothes and toys mostly (food doesn't count because its looks are deceiving).

The first toy she ever showed interest in was a stuffed monkey. I didn't tell her to like that monkey, she didn't see other kids with monkeys. That was her decision, and her decision alone, to like monkeys. I influenced her later on, when I knew she liked monkeys, by showing her Curious George, which she also likes. But, I have also shown her other cartoons that she could care less about. I didn't tell her not to like them, she just has no interest in them. She herself picked out Thomas the Train as she was watching cartoons at her great Grammy's one day. It was the only one she stopped and sat completely still for and watched the TV the whole time (and smiled real big when Percy was featured).

She has her own identity right now. How long before that will change? How long before my child becomes a copycat and succumbs to the peer pressures around her?

She already copycats some of our facial expressions and hand gestures, which is just too cute right now.

Will she still like Thomas, or will a kid make fun of her for liking it, beings she's a girl, and stop liking him? Will she like those horrid not so great for kids of ANY age Disney Channel shows because all her friends do?

This all boils down to who you are. What is your identity?

Mine took two hours to decide, trying to pick out a decal for the back window of a car. I narrowed it down to three or four.

One: A rack (deer antlers) that says Redneck Mama underneath. Am I really a redneck, or am I just going with the "redneck" fad?

Two: One that has a handgun on it that says "iPac". I can't legally pack without my carry permit, but I do own a Walther P22.

Three: A pink ribbon with antlers and the words " Save a Rack". Copycat that redneck bandwagon again? Maybe, but the ribbon is in memory of my mom.

Four: A monogram with deer antlers and ears. I hate monograms, but those ears and antlers are too cute! Another copycat bandwagon redneck choice?

I honestly don't know who I am anymore. Maybe I should look at MY copycatters!

(Layna copycatting our yawns.)

Get Down With The Sickness

We are sick in this household.

I have the flu. I think daddy is getting it. And Layna? Well, I'm not sure.

She was running a high fever last weekend, and got over that, but now she's fussy, and Monday, Tuesday, and today she has thrown up and had a horrible diaper spell.

Today has been a fussy day all day, and tonight it even worse.

Got Layna to bed. I started feeling very nauseous when I put her in her crib, so I decide to take a half a phenegran pill, because it was the "I'm about to have a panic attack" nauseous, and I needed it to go away.

Take my pill, lay down to relax and let the panic feeling pass, and guess who wakes up screaming! I go in and pick her up to soothe her, and she falls immediately asleep. I know putting her in her crib is going to be pointless, so I took her to bed with me.

She's out on my chest, and the pill kicks in. I can't stay awake! I'm struggling to hold my eyes open and not let her go; when I take phenegran it knocks me out and I'm not as aware.

Here I am fighting it, which isn't helping my tummy. Daddy finally comes home and I ask him to take her to her crib. Guess what? She woke back up fussy, and he brought her to me.

So it is now 11:36pm, I'm rocking her in my glider, and debating trying the crib again. I think she wants me to hold her, and I love these snuggle moments, but I am SO sick! I need rest too. I have no voice. My throat is raw. I am weak. These meds the doc wrote for me aren't helping me one bit.

I sure hope the sickness passes out of this house SOON!

*Update - Just laid her down and so far she's sleeping well in her own crib. Let's pray she stays that way!

Decisions

We've been here before. It seems as though things haven't changed. Still doing/selling drugs, still hanging around with the wrong crowd, still disrespectful.

I thought that the time apart would change things. I though you would grow up. But, just like before, you put everything before what is more important.

Your priorities are in the wrong place. Instead of supporting your family, you support your drug habit. Instead of spending time with your child, you spend time running drugs and hanging out with your friends. Instead of telling someone you love them, you avoid them at all costs and stay away from them, only coming around to eat and sleep.

You never compliment, you never support, you never appreciate. You take for granted, you do as you please, you don't care about anyone but yourself.

There comes a time when someone has to grow up. When someone has to put things in perspective and decide what is more important, what is the right thing to do, what is best for themselves and their child.

I have come to that decision. The funny thing is, you take it for granted. You think I'm gonna put up with your mental, emotional, and verbal abuse. You take for granted the fact that I am going to be here no matter what you do.

Well, guess what! MY daughter deserves better than that. MY daughter deserves someone who is going to love her, cherish her, do anything humanly possible for her, and treat her mother the same. She does not need to see her mother cry, yell, get upset, get sick, because of you.

She needs to know that she is more important than your drugs, your friends, your video games.

She needs someone who will spend time with her, take her places, hold her, love her. Take her to church, help her to understand God's love and how to live a God filled life.

Hold her when she cries, and not be the cause of her tears.

I deserve not to be yelled at when I am upset with you because you come home high, 4-5-6-7 hours after you got off work, when I'm already in bed, when I've worked all day taking care of my child, cleaning, and shopping for the food you eat and the toilet paper you wipe your butt with.

I deserve someone who will lift me up, not tear me down. I deserve someone who will treat me with respect, and as if I mattered, not just another obstacle to overcome to do what you want to do.

If you can't look someone in the eye and tell them exactly why you love them, then you need to rethink the relationship. You can't even say "I love you"! And no, actions don't speak louder than words when your actions are disrespectful and hateful.

So here we are, back at the same place we were at almost the same time two years ago. Except this time its different. This time it doesn't hurt as bad. This time there is more than just me that is affected by your attitude and selfishness. And this time it will be a lot easier to walk away.

Now you have to decide what you want. Watch us walk away for good, or do something about it.

Not So Sweet Dreams

So its been a while since I posted. Having a now one year old, and the holidays, and her birthday, have really worn me out! But hey, she woke up this early a.m. for a bottle, so technically I get to write "over a bottle" again! Not that that is good, I'd rather be asleep.

Which brings me to my dream. I have been having some far out there crazy dreams lately. This one has been no exception.

Not sure how I slept long enough to dream, what with the fish out of water flopping in the bed, but I did. It was so scattered and crazy!

There was a moment where I was in a yard doing something to a tree and this guy drives by and says I'm acting suspicious, and I tell him its my cousin's house and I'm straightening things up for them while they are gone. Which prompts me to driving.

Driving in the dark in the rain, people walking in the middle of the road. Daylight and seeing Angela Vaughn and her son walking down the road, which prompted me to go to my mom's office to call her and ask her why she was walking.

Get to the office and its totally different. White walls, open everywhere, Mom at a small desk instead of her office (the old one she had, with the wood paneling and all). There are a ton of new people there and they are all acting funny because I am there. Somehow I try to get a job with some other people, and I thought I had the job....I didn't get it. The office changes back and I ask Mom why and she said because we didn't like it.

Drive with mom to somewhere, pass a neon orange house high on a hill for sale, try to look it up on Zillow to see how much it is. Pass a gated community in a dip on the side of the road, each house/shack is built over a pool.

Somehow end up without a car, in water. We are at a huge dam and this guy is there. He asks if everyone is ready and that we have to get close to the dam wall before he let's it open. I get sucked under and go down down down. He and Mom come after me, and I look up at them saying "help help". They grab my hands and swim me to the surface.

The dam opens and we go sliding down this dirt hill, no water. We turn to look back to make sure everyone has come down before the guy lets the dam go, and he lets it go (there's a fire ball behind it?) before everyone gets down. I don't see Mom, but I know I have to run before the water overtakes us.

I run, and end up having to run into a cave. There are tight walls all around and I know if I don't keep moving quickly I will be overcome by the water filling the cave. Find an opening in the cave, it leads to a building. Walking the hall, I turn around to look for Mom but can't see her anywhere. I pray and say I'm sorry I can't wait on Mom because if I do I'll die. I keep going.

I find a door at the end of a hallway and open it. I find myself standing in a yard with guys pointing video cameras. They say they need to turn it off before more people get hurt. I look at them, madder than ever, and ask them if it was all set up for a stunt show. They tell me no, it was all real, but they wanted to document it.

That is when I woke up.

There was also something in the beginning about being in some dark building or restaurant in the old days, like wood and a saloon/restaurant or something. For some reason all that is a blur of a memory.

I honestly don't know what is wrong with me. I am not taking any medication, so that isn't what is causing my strange dreams.

The last few days I've felt very strange. Lower back pains made me think maybe I was getting a kidney stone. Then I began to feel like I was swollen. My stomach muscles hurt as bad as right after I had Layna, complete with pain when I sit down. Then began the light headedness, dizziness, lack of focus, not being able to keep my balance well. Yesterday it was so bad I couldn't remember if I had eaten lunch or what I ate, then when I went to Walmart I couldn't remember where I parked.

Stress is getting to me, I know that much. And gaining weight like crazy isn't helping either. I weight as much, if not more, now than when I was pregnant with Layna!

We did take a walk in the park yesterday. We stopped and played on the playground, took some pictures here and there, and I felt great. Get in the car, the dizziness returns, along with the forgetfulness at Walmart.

Praying that it will get better, but not sure where to even begin to make it any better! Praying that it will all just go away soon......

Including the strange dreams.