Randoms

1) I am so far behind on my blogs. I really should catch up, but an 11 month old takes a lot out of you!

2) My daughter LOVES Thomas and Friends, but it bothers me that all the merchandize and commercials are geared towards boys. Girls like him too, and there are girl trains as well!

3) I have been extremely tired today. I took a bath and just about fell asleep while reading in the tub.

4) I sit my child down in the floor to play and she immediately crawls right back to me.  :/

5) When she sits in my lap all she wants to do is rock. She has to stand on my legs facing me, grab my thumbs, and rock back and forth. Continually. All the time.

6) She likes music, but especially "All About The Bass" and "Wagon Wheel", the latter of which she falls asleep to.

7) When she hears a song she likes she rocks back and forth.

8) She has yet to crawl over to the Christmas tree and mess with it, thank goodness! Beings its a real tree, though, she can't knock it over.

9) I am depressed that I can't go out and buy her a bunch of stuff for Christmas, even though she won't know it.

10) I'm also struggling to figure out how to pay for her birthday party, two weeks after Christmas.

11) She is still taking two naps a day, and I try to take one in the afternoon when she does.

12) I really want to go look at Christmas lights!

13) I shouldn't end on 13.

14) I am making chili for supper tonight. Just wish I had snow to go with it.

Depression and the Holidays

Have you ever wanted to cry, but your head hurt so bad you couldn't?

Yeah, that's where I am right now.

I have always been one to preach "Be happy with what you have." I am not about material things, although I am sentimental.

But this year something has changed.

Not only do I have a child to think about, but I have no job.

Yes, I have a job; SAHM. That doesn't pay bills, though. That doesn't buy my daughter Christmas presents, then two weeks later give her a great 1st Birthday party. That doesn't get me a new laptop because mine is a POS and I need a better one to work on my photography with. That doesn't get us out of this sewage-filled back yard bug ridden trailer.

I'm not even sure I can get Layna a Christmas tree, much less where to put it in this tiny living room.

I have always worked. I have always had money to be comfortable with. I have no money to my name now. I hate this feeling.

It hurts me to hear all these people talking about buying this and doing that, and all I can do is sit here with Layna all day. I can't afford $5 a day to walk at the Rec Center, or $45 for a dress or new toy for Layna, or buy a new car or take a vacation.

Its not that I don't want to work. I don't feel right at all not working. After working 7 days a week at a factory before having Layna, doing nothing makes me feel worthless.

But it's not for not trying. I have put in applications at different places with no success. I did turn down one, but it was because it was part time and low pay all my check would have gone to daycare for Layna so I could work. I had a full time temp job that they said I did great at, but they didn't hire me when the time came.

I feel like an absolute failure. Like I'm not even worthy to be Layna's mom.

Then the jealousy of my boyfriend getting to do something that I have wanted to do since I was little has gotten the best of me, too. He isn't even a Tennessee fan, but he got to go the football game, and yet again, I just got to sit at home doing nothing. I have been a UT fan since Johnny Majors was a coach, since Andy Kelly was the star quarterback. I have always wanted to go to Neyland Stadium. When I was little I wanted to go to school at UT; I wanted to play basketball, and when I realized I sucked at it, I then wanted to be in The Pride of the Southland Band, forming that big T on the field.

I have come to learn that dreams are just that - dreams. At least in my case that's all they are.

Now I just need to learn how to stop dreaming.

And realize that what I have is what I have and I'll never have anything else. I must learn to make due with what I have (or don't) have.

Ten Months Already?

It sure does not seem like it has been ten months since my little booger was born. It seems like it was only yesterday, yet at times it seems like it was so long ago. Funny how time does that, huh?

My passion is photography. I absolutely love doing it. I hate that I don't have the equipment that I need to take the pictures the way they really need to be taken....nor do I have the money to buy them.

I took Layna's 10 month pics this morning and was disappointed that they came out a bit blurry. I really need better lighting, reflectors, a proper backdrop stand....so many things. But really they aren't too bad. Its just the perfectionist in me that sees that blur from lack of light and it makes me mad.

I ended up taking her outside and got one good one, although I wish the chalkboard had been closer to her. Now that she is crawling very quickly, we have to snap fast before she tries to crawl away, which she did many times while trying to get one shot.

So these ended up not being the best, but they will do. Each time I do them I learn what to do for next time. I am hoping to get some Christmas pictures done soon. They will be fun and a challenge, as I have to find a place to do them and figure out the lighting sets for a few of the shots I want to do.

And then I have to think about Christmas cards! Oh goodness, I am gonna be a busy mommy. Wait, Christmas means presents, right? Gotta do that too. Not to mention that Layna's 1st birthday will be two weeks after Christmas!

Holy crap on a cracker!

Can I pray for some snow? 

Time Flies

I have been so busy and so stressed, where has the time gone?

I don't know if anyone is even reading my blog anymore, and that's ok. If anything, it'll be here for my absent mindedness to go back and read over and remember things.

We've done a lot since the last post. I got my eyes checked and got new glasses for the first time in about 7 years or so. It feels good to see again, but it hurt paying that $250 when we don't have money to spend, and I should be spending it on Layna.

Speaking of which, I did something I said I'd never do....I bought her a new pair of Nike shoes. In my defense, they were on sale from $41 to $27, so it was a fairly good buy. Fairly I say because even at $27 that's outrageous for an infant pair of shoes that isn't even as big as my hand! But....she is getting to the age where she's pulling up and walking, and I want a good pair of shoes on her feet, especially since she likes to curl her toes up a lot. She needs a hard bottom to flatten those toes out. I just pray she can get some good use out of them and wear them a good while before she grows out of them. Another "in my defense", we did look at a lot of shoes Wednesday in the 'boro and all the tennis shoes were outrageously priced for her, so I did get a pretty good deal.

While in the 'boro, Layna got to ride her first two coin operated rides in the mall. The train she wasn't so thrilled about because it didn't do much, but when she got in the car she held on to the wheel and smiled almost the whole time! She didn't fuss or want out or anything. That's my big girl.

Her first Halloween was a cold wash out. We went to the drug store to see the ladies, but none of them were there. Then we went to get our free picture made at Studio Verabella, where it started raining while we were there. We ran to the car and just went home. No trick or treating for us. Maybe next year.

We went today to a craft show and I got her a Christmas sock monkey and an angel bracelet. Nothing for myself. I was disappointed that the lady with the Christmas ornaments she usually personalizes wasn't there....I wanted either a couple, for Bugz and I, or the family, for the three of us. Now I'll have to order online. Darnit.

Layna hasn't been sleeping through the night anymore, where she had been for a few weeks. She fell asleep tonight at 6:15, so she'll probably be up by midnight. Its 7:52 now. Thinking I might need to go to bed and get a bit of sleep. I've been sick all day; sore throat, stuffy/runny nose, headache, body ache. But I did clean the kitchen! Haha!

Layna turns 10 months tomorrow. Yes, the time does fly. And we must try to enjoy every moment of it.

Sick of Dreams

Last night's dream was all about Layna, and it scared the s**t out of me.

There was a lot more to the dream, but the main part is most important.

I dreamt that her biological father was trying to take her away. She was smaller than she is now. They were talking about putting her on a plane every two weeks to come see him in Colorado. I refused, said he would never get her.

He had a brother with him (who in real life wasn't his brother but a friend of Bugz's) and they stole her out of my car. Ripped out the car seat to get her. He grabbed her and ran, while Bugz was just standing there.

I yelled at him and asked him why he wasn't going after them, and he finally started running after him. He saw Bugz coming and THREW her at his brother, who was getting in their car. He missed, and she got hurt bad.

I screamed and ran for her. I could tell she was hurt bad, and I screamed and cried and got in my car and told Bugz to get in the car, we had to go to the hospital. He again just stood there, then said he had to get the car seat. I told him to forget it, we HAD to go.

A passerby yelled out asking if we needed the cops called and I said yes, but that we were leaving to take her to the hospital.

Bugz finally gets in the car, me in the passenger seat holding my broken Layna. He asks where we're going, and I cringe and say URMC, that they can transfer her to Vandy from there.

Jump around to me back at home in the yard and talking to her biological father's "mom", who wasn't really his mom, but some short, heavyset, black haired deaf woman. I'm trying to explain to her what happened and what her son did. I told her that if he ever tried to get her again, I would kill him with my gun. I told her I was going back and staying with her, even if I had to sleep on the floor. She said she wanted to go to the hospital to see her, and I said he better not even try to take her from the hospital. Something happened to make us think that he did, and we rushed to the hospital.

That's when I woke up, and I had to stop myself from rushing in her room to make sure she was there and ok.

Why do I have to dream stuff like this? I hate it.

Randoms

1) Why do people go behind others' backs and do things they know that person doesn't want them to do? Rudeness and inconsiderate!

2) I need someone to come do my dishes. A few busy days in a row and they've gotten out of hand. Hate not having a dishwasher.

3) Some people aren't made of money, so no, we won't and can't go all out for everything.

4) Don't ask me to do something then change it at the last minute. I have a 9 month old, I do what I can when I can, and last minute changes just don't work for me.

5) I love the Duck Dynasty guys, mostly for their love and dedication to God and their wholesome, family values on their show. That said, as the seasons go by, they get more and more fake. You can tell they are acting, they make Mrs. Kay look more and more stupid, and Willie gets more and more arrogant-acting about the money. I can watch the old ones over and over, season one and two. When it gets to three, the money starts to take over a bit. One thing that stays constant: John Luke acting absolutely stupid. He may not be, they may be making him act that way, but from season one episode one he's always seemed a little.....dense.

6) I totally miss going to church. Sundays just don't feel right, and I think that is a small part of my not wanting to be around people anymore. I miss having a church family, although my last church let me down in quite a few ways, both spiritually and personally. The good times we had, the Wed night fellowships, Bible studies and food, the movie nights (tho there weren't many), the Fall Fun hayrides and cookouts. The more I stay home, the more people irritate me and I don't want to be around them. There are only a few I can tolerate. I can't stand how people drive either. I need church, both for spiritually and for my people skills (tolerance mostly).

7) As much tea as the Duck Dynasty guys drink, how do they not have kidney stones? That's what causes them, right? At least that's what the doctor tells me. That and calcium.

8) I totally need to lose weight. It is making me feel horrible.

9) My child isn't feeling well, so I am afraid to go to sleep. I want to check on her every few minutes to make sure she's ok. She worries me so much.

10) My guy is asleep on the sofa and has been for over an hour. He stayed up till past 4am last night/this morning playing games. Gonna leave him on the sofa, don't want to get my head chopped off when I try to wake him up.

11) I can't wait to start taking Layna's Christmas pictures. I have so many ideas and different outfits for her, its going to be fun! And I still have a Halloween outfit and three Thanksgiving outfits to take pictures with too! Have I mentioned I love photography?

12) My tummy is a bit upset. Guess that second slice of cake after supper wasn't a good idea.

13) I hate my house.

14) I dislike how hot it was today. What happened to Fall and the cool weather?

15) I am reading a book series. I am going to write a review of it in my next blog, but I have to say this: I don't like it at all, but the story line has me hooked because I want to know what will happen next. But not exciting enough to keep me awake while I read.

16) I have a crochet hat order to do this week and a photo session some afternoon this week as well. I'm excited, but a bit nervous. What if I screw it all up? What if I'm not good enough for them?

17) I have low self esteem.

18) I am not superficial; its not all about the things or the money. You have to have money to survive, which sucks, but I have learned to do without. My child will never go without, tho. I will make sure she has everything she needs, and I will try my best to keep her away from the things and people that hurt her, and teach her the difference in that bad versus the good.

19) Some times I wonder about things....things I shouldn't. Who doesn't, right? I just don't know how to turn it off.

20) I miss getting to watch The Walking Dead.  :(

Dreaming Again

My child is awake at 2am. What happened to my all night sleeper? I needed to wake up, though. Was having some strange dreams. Dreamt that John Rhoten broke into our house to wake Bugz up to go to work. We were already awake, tho, because I had asked Bugz if he would really break in (he not in my dreams told us last night he would if Bugz didn't show for work in the morning)  and Bugz said yeah, he probably would, but that John would use his key to get in. Bugz shakes the sheets on the bed and we found John's key in the bed? John comes around the corner of the bedroom and Bugz asks him how he got in without his key and he said it was easy. Cue a "wake up" moment, then on to another dream.

Bugz and I go racing down the road in Bugz's truck and all his stuff (a purple cup, coke bottle, cigarettes) goes flying off the back of the truck and we have to turn around to find it. But he gets a call on my phone about a picture someone found of Pa Claude in Tullahoma and they sent a copy to his phone. I get his phone and we look at the picture, which was of old guys in blue button down shirts and tan pants, with cameras around their necks. It was a photography club. I start snooping in his phone to see who he's been chatting with and see a bunch of girls names on Facebook messenger that I didn't recognize, but don't get to read them before I guess I "woke up" again and moved on to yet another dream.

I'm playing with Layna in the floor, with the TV on in the background. I hear the name Len Parsons and I turn to the TV. I hear this guy explaining how he had a child with a lady and had never seen him, it was so long ago and she had disappeared with the child. I missed the story of how this happened (he is a happily married pastor, after all). I focus more on the TV, and it is indeed my ex brother in law, but it was an episode of Oprah from the '80's! She's asking him questions but for some reason I can't hear. Suddenly, they pan to the back of the room and here comes the whole family! Mom, dad, and Tracey are the only ones I really see, although they name them all off. They all get on stage and sit down with Len. I am flabbergasted, staring at the TV in disbelief. Bugz walks in the room and asks what's wrong and I tell him "That's Dallas's brother and family. Supposedly Len's had a child a long time ago with some woman, but that can't be right. He and his wife lost one, he told me, but he has no children." And then I woke up.

I vaguely remember at some point dreaming about my grandma, but don't remember what about.

I'm not sure what's causing these strange, funny dreams (and the fact that my house was not my house, it was something else) but at least it wasn't a nightmare tonight.

Crazy Dream

Last night I had a crazy dream. I went to try and get a job, only to be told that I had to go to the main office in Murfreesboro. (There was more to that dream, but its not important).

So I began walking down the road to get home, and there was a worker from the factory I just left walking with me. As we walked, there were a ton of airplanes flying low and fast in the air. Jumbo jets, fighter planes, all you could imagine.

Then we approach a tunnel, and there are people in hazmat suits stopping us (there seem to be more people behind us suddenly). They make us sit down on the road in the tunnel. They tell us we are to be put on busses, that there is an outbreak and they have to the take us away.

Curious George (the cartoon) comes running up from the entrance in front of us, where there is a gate, and sits in my lap. Then there is a dog. They come up and say that they are giving the dog a shot, and that the dog belongs to Ernie Franklin (my uncle), as if that shot was made specifically for the dog. They tried to give George a shot, but I had to tell them that no, he wasn't my dog, she was at home.

So then they tell us they are going to put us on the busses. We are on bus 24, the last bus. There is a touch screen in the wall of the tunnel and they make UA pick who we'd want to be passengers with us on the bus. The only one I remember was Robin Williams.

I must've woken up at this point, because I don't remember being on the bus or anything. I went on to dream about someone stealing my car out of the front yard.

What's freaky about this dream is that we were at Bell Buckle yesterday. It was wall to wall people over the whole town. I wake up this morning sneezing my head off and not able to breathe. Just imagine if only ONE person had been sick amidst that huge crowd. There'd be no stopping it!

No, I'm not paranoid. Just cautious.

Well.....too late to be cautious, huh?

Seriously?

I love my child. She is everything to me. Yes, I might get frustrated, might even need a break now and then, but she is first in my life. As any child should be to their parents.

Some people forget that. There are those that give their children away as soon as they have them. In some instances, this can be acceptable; if you can't financially support your child the way he/she needs then adoption is a great alternative. Some people aren't cut out to be parents, and while they should have never made a baby to begin with, if they have, the child will probably be better off without them.

I don't know what I did before Layna was born. Granted, I miss working, and I know I need to get back to working, but it hasn't been for not trying. I have put in applications at various places, with no luck. Right now, though, my daughter is priority.

I am not a lucky person in that I don't have a mother or sister/brother to watch my child (for free) while I work. Most jobs these days are, at best, part time, and that wouldn't cover daycare services. But I don't want to be classified as a "deadbeat parent" either.

Everything I do is for my child. When I spend money, its on her. I have gained weight and none of my clothes fit, but I don't buy myself clothes. Everything I buy is for her. I don't remember the last time I spent money on myself, other than a magazine or two to read.

I have tried to start a photography business, kind of. I love photography, its my passion, its my "oxygen" (for those of you who have seen Mom's Day Out). Taking a great picture gives me a high better than any drug or alcohol. I have one session set up, if the rain ever stops, and that's it. Lots of compliments on my photos, but no one seems to think of me when they want photos done (except Angie, and I can't wait to get hers going!). I also tried my hand at tutus, which yet again everyone "loved", but only one wanted. I think they are adorable and will continue to make them for Layna no matter what.

I did the responsible thing and traded off my truck, that I loved SO much, for an " even trade" payoff, so that I had no vehicle payment and the car is paid off and in my name. I am not like most people out there and have to have the most expensive vehicles or the most new, going further into debt to do so. I try not to spend money on things I don't need, and what I do spend on (that's not for Layna) is something I can use, like a mirror for my photography, or a storage container for my clothes/yarn/etc.

My house may be cluttered, but at least its not full of garbage. There is a difference between accumulated items versus trash. I don't have empty ice cream containers, bottles full of tobacco spit, plastic bags full of garbage, and dog crap all over my floor. I don't like having my dogs in the house anymore, but there's not much I can do about that right now, as we can't put a fence in the back yard because of the sewer. My kitchen counters may be cluttered, but that's because we have limited cabinet space, and they are full, not because I'm too lazy to clean. My dishes may be dirty, but that's because I don't have a dishwasher, I have a 9 month old that keeps me busy all day, especially now that she is crawling everywhere. It also means I know how to cook, and we are well fed, with all the dishes to prove it.

I keep my yard mown as much as I can, weather permitting. All this rain has held me back, and yesterday's flooding in the yard will make me have to wait a while for it all to dry out. But for the most part, I keep my yard tidy, and I try to do the same with the porch.

Now....my grandma helped my parents more than anyone will ever know. My mom worked a job that was low-paying, but she stuck with for over 20 years. Dad jumped around from job to job, while Mom was stable and paid all the bills and took care of everything. She sacrificed things for herself so she could provide for me. She never bought clothes for herself, she wore most of the same few pieces she had over and over (which is why I think I have a clothing hoarding problem now). She always provided for me.

Grandma watched me when I was born. Mom went back to work and I stayed with her. She would cook supper for us and Mom would come pick me and the food up and take us home (next door). She did that for as long as I lived at home, if not longer. She cleaned house for them when Mom got sick. The trailer they lived in before I was born was bought by Grandpa, and when they bought the house they abandoned it behind, instead of selling it or moving it. The land they put their house on was my grandparents before they gave it to them.

There is so much more that I could list, but I won't. She helped them so much, and she has helped me too. Since Layna was born, Grandma has made sure my rent was paid, so that I could stay home with Layna. I didn't ask her for this, she offered it, insisted on it. She wants me to stay home with Layna. She sees and she knows how people are these days, how you can't trust anyone anymore.

So to sit back and tell me that I need to grow up? Seriously? I could say SO much more, but I'm leaving it at that.

Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey

If you got that reference in the title there, then you probably have already figured out my blog title is from that too.

My subconscious mind had that in thought as I titled this blog, even though I didn't know it at that time. It hit me tonight, as I saw that one of the greats has passed.

And just as random as the Deep Thoughts were, so is my blog. Very random.

That being said, let's get on with the randomness!

1) I have had the strangest dreams! I dreamt that Pa Claude was serving me a thick, warm, carrot wine in a very long airport that had over 400 wines to try. Then I tried to climb a "wall" that had a different wine on each side, left and right, at each level. I got to one that was cucumber and labeled under the Veggie Tales and that's as far as I made it. Last night I had a strange dream too, but I forgot it. Wonder what I'll dream tonight!

2) My child is getting better at sleeping through the night. Me? Not so much. I have tossed and turned the last few nights. Ugh!

3) I totally need a vacation, either to the mountains to see the beautiful leaves changing, or to the beach to just sit on the sand, read a book, and relax. Make Daddy take Layna for an hour or two so I can relax, then of course have fun with her and her first vacation experience.

4) Its not even 9pm yet and I'm going to bed? Yep. Thus the life of a SAHM that doesn't sleep well. You sleep when you can.....and you finish your blog in the morning....or whenever the baby wakes up.

5) Here it is three days later, on yet another rainy day, and finally finishing my blog. Or attempting to. Don't think baby girl feels good so she's asleep on my chest, something we never do anymore.

6) I really want to carve a pumpkin.

7) I really want to get out my camera and take pictures, but....

8) It really needs to stop raining and let the sun come out.

9) I really want to go to a pumpkin patch.

10) I realize that's a lot of wants, but when you are a SAHM and have a 9 month old 24-7, and it rains for....how many days straight now?? You really want to get out of the house and do something!

11) I can't wait for Layna's Christmas shirt to be done. I found a great spot at Grammy Sue's that I can hopefully fix up a certain way I want and get some great shots. I just need some battery powered Christmas lights, a few huge ornaments, and a fuzzy blanket of some sort. I'm getting excited about it, really. Its a high for me when I take a great picture! It makes me feel good that I did something to be proud of, beings I always screw everything up and I suck so much.

12) Did not hear where, but heard on the scanner an officer say person was D.O.A. when he arrived. Praying for whoever's family it may be. Also heard two wrecks, which is why I hate driving in the rain.

13) She is definitely sick. Woke up whining, looked at me, repositioned, then went back to sleep. I need to put her down so I can go potty, but I want this snuggle time.

14) I had a dream I found a carpet cleaner (an expensive one) at a pawn shop for $12. Yeah, right. I wish.

15) I also dreamt that my mom was trying to keep me away from Layna. She made me come back home and leave Layna behind, alone, at my place. At first I was ok, but then I started missing her and kept saying she can't be left alone all day and night and I wanted to go back to her. Mom stole my car keys and wouldn't let me leave. It got stranger as I wound up in an old lady's house and her five or six sons were trying to help me escape.

16) I also dreamt my dad was trying to keep me from getting what was rightly mine from his place. That one was strange.

17) I need a dream interpreter.

18) I need a better laptop, or my old one fixed.

19) May 2nd, supposedly.

20) I worry daily if something will happen to me and what will happen to Layna.

21) Then I worry that something will happen to her, and how would I handle it? Not good, I'll tell ya that.

22) Rain falling on the metal roof of this trailer, I am getting sleepy.

23) I really want to find a good book series to start...NOT ROMANCE! Anyone have any suggestions? I could reread Left Behind but I don't have the first book anymore. Let someone borrow it and they never gave it back. :/

24) Believe it or not, I am cold.

25) Supper time? Maybe. Its quitting time, that's for sure. Until later......

Randomness

1) Life as a mommy is stressful! That's why I'm so behind.

2) Dreams can be good and bad. Last night's dream was bad.

3) Today has felt like Friday all day long because Bugz worked today.

4) I hate taking pictures of myself because I hate the way I look. I hate this last haircut I got, I hate that my teeth are crumbling and falling apart and I look like a meth head, I hate that I can't seem to lose this weight that I put on AFTER having Layna. My mom hated having her picture taken, and I pray its not for the same reasons I have....she truly was a special person, beautiful in every way.

5) Speaking of pictures; I think some people need to learn how to take better selfies. Don't take a picture of yourself with your cleavage showing and post it on Facebook unless you are advertising, because that's basically what you are doing. Don't take a picture of yourself in the bathroom! We don't want to see your shower or your toilet. If you have to use a mirror, do it in another room. And if you are taking a picture of yourself in the mirror or using the front facing camera on your phone, look into the lens, not the picture of yourself on your phone. And lastly, posting a million pictures of your kids is good, posting a million pictures of yourself is not.

6) I bought Layna an adorable dress at a yard sale today. It said hand wash in cold water. I did. The red faded onto the white. That sucked, and makes me mad!

7) I am so thirsty and nothing is quenching me. I tried two ice pops and a diet caffeine free coke that was in the freezer, no luck. Gonna try and go to bed anyway, maybe it'll pass. Right now I feel like I need the coldest thing possible to make my mouth feel better. Strange.

8) I can't stop running the tip of my tongue over the hole in the back of my two front teeth, and my tongue is now sore. 

9) Sleep is underrated.....the more the better. You learn that when you become a mother.

10) Baby is asleep, Mommy needs to be asleep.

Playing Catch Up

As Layna gets older, the harder she is to handle. She stays awake more often, she is crawling now (although still shaky), and she has to have me there with her all the time. If I try to leave the room, she starts bawling. This leaves me with not a lot of time to do much of anything. So needless to say, everything is falling behind. House needs cleaning, dishes need washed, and blog needs updating.

One thing that I can do is crochet, while I'm stuck sitting in my chair while she plays in the floor. I made Layna a black cat hat to match the Halloween onesie that her aunt Jessica gave her. I also made an orange one with a place for ribbon. Right now it has black Boo ribbon, for her black Boo-tiful onesie, but I also got pumpkins and a fall polka dot ribbon to change it out for other outfits.

I have been doing some bargain momma shopping again. I have been hitting the .50 Auction site on Facebook and getting quite a few good deals; got a Ralph Lauren romper for .50, a mirror to use for photos for $2.50, and a cute pair of pink and brown boots for Layna that I will be picking up this week for $2.00. As for yard sales, I got an umbrella stroller for $1.00, and I crocheted handle covers and two bottle holders for it. The lady that had it gave her a little pink fuzzy teddy bear for free, and I also got myself a couple of shirts for .50 a piece, a couple of DVD's for $1 each, and a case that I can use for my camera for .75. I went to an indoor ongoing yard sale and got a 1st Halloween bib and an Old Navy monkey costume for Layna, all for $4, and the lady gave her a free baby doll!

We've had some adventures and "firsts" too. Layna was in the baby show at the county fair and placed 3rd out of 20 baby girls in her age group. She was so pretty and did so good! She didn't get fussy, thank the Lord. Later that week we went to the fair during the day to see the exhibits and the animals. We ran into my neighbor/friend Karen and she held Layna while she pet a goat so I could take a picture. She wasn't afraid at all, actually reached out for the animals! She was amazed at the chickens and kept looking around as they clucked and cock-a-doodle-dooed. The rabbits she smiled at, and the one that Mr. Warren has out for the kids to pet she sat in front of and pet it for a minute. The last night of the fair we went to watch the mule events. At first she watched the mules, then she got captivated by the midway lights behind us and kept staring at them. We made our way to the midway and Daddy and I rode the carousel with her. We sat there forever before it started up, and she sat up on that horse, hands on the pole, like she knew what she was doing. Once it started tho, it went so fast I had a hard time holding on to her and keeping my balance, so Daddy had to hold her. She still had fun tho, and got to ride her very first ride at the fair. She also got a balloon that she was having fun playing with in the stroller.

I did something bold and daring yesterday and cut all my hair off. It actually is shorter than I wanted it to be because the lady didn't cut it the way I showed her in the picture I wanted it, she cut it a lot shorter. Its not too bad though, maybe today after I wash it and style it myself it'll be better. It will hopefully be a lot easier.

Its finally getting a bit cooler outside. Right now, at 7:45am, it is reading 51° outside, and if my thermometer on the fridge from Atlanta is working, it says its 60° in the kitchen. It feels so good! I can't wait till the days are this cool all day. Hoodies, jeans, sipping hot coffee (or tea), bonfires, hayrides, and dare I say snow this winter. Its funny, tho, that Layna hasn't really been growing, so all those winter sleepers and outfits I got at the baby shower that I had put away because I thought she'd be too big for I've had to dig back out so she can wear. They are 3-6 month outfits! She will be 9 months on the 8th.

Time sure flies. What is today again?

Wow is about all I can say......

I have had a lot going on the past few days. It has been more bad than good, honestly.

Where can I start?

Ok, let me throw this out. I dislike people who brag and/or lie for attention or their own gain.

It is more than ok to brag if it is in the proud category, for instance your child performs well in a play/concert/performance. Or if you have worked hard or studied hard and you got promoted/graduated. Stuff like that is perfectly ok to brag about.

But when you brag about petty stuff, rubbing things in, or even lying about something you are bragging about? That is just wrong, and if you are like that, I probably don't like you.

You are not special because you spend more time with someone. You are not special when you make things up and lie about it to make you seem bigger, more important.

On to the next topic.

I left my family church, my home church, not because of the people in the church. The church was my family. I grew up with all the older people, I bonded with all the younger people, I loved the little kids. I left because a hypocrite was in the head position. One who talks about people behind their backs, one who lies about the pettiest of things. One who says she loves kids but has a short fuse with them, you can see the look on her face when they start getting on her nerves.

A person in a Godly position like that should not be acting that way. I could not consciously sit in a pew and look at her, listen to her preach about things that she herself had said and done.

I thought it best to just put it behind me and move on. You can forgive but not forget, right? You can forgive someone for being the way they are, acting the way they do. But that doesn't mean that you still don't hurt from what they've done. Forgiving someone doesn't mean you have to accept them. Just like gay/lesbian people. You can forgive them for their lifestyle, but that doesn't mean you have to accept that they live that way.

That being said, we had two church members pass away in the last month, one just yesterday. And one of our couples lost their son within the month as well. One member found out she has cancer.

Hearing all this saddened me. It made me miss my church family that much more. It made me want to go back, to surround myself with the comfort of my old home church. I was willing to try and put aside my feelings that I had, for the sake of the church and so that we could start regularly attending church again.

Then came the voicemail.

Wow, was the tone of that voicemail snarky, smart alec, hateful!

I did not disassociate myself from the people of the church, I speak to quite a few of them. We keep in touch, especially thanks to Facebook. No, I just disassociated myself from the person that was causing me the most turmoil and grief.

I am glad that I got the call that Mrs. Odell passed away, but that "simple" voicemail, the tone of voice, and the implications that were made, just pushed me further away from my church. Yes, it is my church. I grew up there, there were 4 generations (at least) before me there. I feel empty not going on Sunday mornings. But I would feel even more empty, as well as angry, sitting in that pew listening to someone who has spoken ill about half the people in the church.

BTW, those last two subjects weren't about the same person. Two (or more) separate people and incidents.

I also know that I am opening up a lot of cans of worms, but I don't care anymore. Life is too short to worry about what others think, you have to do what's best for you and your sanity, your family, your life. If that means shutting people out of your life that cause you grief and turmoil, then so be it.

On to the next one.

I dislike my child's pediatric office. I love Jennifer to death, and Gretchen is great too, but as for the rest, they are rude, unprofessional, and just plain stupid.

Last time I took her to the doctor she was covered in a rash. Completely covered. The nurse was shocked and baffled, although she had her "guess" as to what it was. The NP comes in, or at least I assume she was because she never told me who she was, took a look, turned around and left, and brought three more people with her. They were all flabbergasted, had no explanation of what was wrong with her, said it was viral, and sent us on our way.

Now, I made a comment to them that I thought it might be an allergic reaction to some wheat cereal I had given her. They were quick to say that it wasn't. So I quit giving it to her for about a month.....until yesterday.

Today? She's breaking out again. I don't think its a coincidence. Although, we did get attacked last night by mosquitoes/chiggers and seed ticks. Which brings me to another issue.

90+ degree weather, a delapitated (sp?) old wooden house with no air flow through it, full of cobwebs, brown recluse spiders, red wasps, and decaying rats, front yard full of ticks, chiggers, mosquitoes, and fleas. Does that sound like a place you want to spend the evening?

I am all for helping clean out an old house, as long as its not hot like it was last night, and its cleaned properly. If it hasn't been used in 40 years or more, it needs to go. If it's covered in rat poop, 6" of dust, or falling apart, throw it away. It does no good to shift stuff from one place to another, that's not cleaning.

Now, I'll be honest. After seeing all the hidden spiders, being covered with seed ticks and bug bites all over myself and my baby, I really don't want to be in that house for Halloween. Brown recluse spiders are not to be messed with. Dormant wasps hiding out indoors when it's cool/cold outside can be disrupted, pissed off, and attack. I don't want my child in that. I don't want her to even be in the front yard anymore! Poor baby has 5-6 bites on her head, and I found a seed tick on her ear this afternoon. So no, it is not my idea of fun to be in an environment like that.

As it is now, Layna is supposed to be in the fair pageant this Sunday, and she's broken out, her head, arms, and legs are covered in bug bites, her nose is running like crazy, and her eyes are red and puffy, oozing out green stuff. I am praying that she will clear up by Sunday, or at least enough to be presentable for the pageant. But, like my friend Brandy said, its all about the money. So we're screwed. Haha.

I have a lot more topics and issues I could talk about, but I'll save them for another bottle time....or crying fit, which is what we've had pretty much all afternoon/evening. She is finally asleep, which means I should be too.

Cry It Out?

This subject is a big one for debate. There are those that believe you should let your child cry it out. There are others that believe they need to feel that comfort, to help them understand they aren't alone and feel safe.

Now, I am conflicted in this both ways. I agree they need to feel the safety, but I know most of it is about me; I hate to hear her cry, I don't want to put her down, I want to hold and soothe her.

I also believe they should cry it out. They need to learn how to soothe themselves to sleep, or they will never learn.

That being said, I usually don't let her cry it out. Why? Because at nighttime Daddy is trying to sleep, and although he says he never hears her, and he never gets up when she fusses, I still feel obligated to quieten her, especially since our rooms share a wall that is paper thin. So yes, when she wakes up fussy in the middle of the night, instead of a rub on the back and soothing words, I pick her up, let her sip on a bottle, and bounce her back to sleep. Rocking doesn't work, she likes to bounce.

This is not to say that I don't let her cry it out occasionally. There are times that I am busy doing other things, cooking, taking a shower, cleaning, and I put her either in her crib (while showering) or on the floor and she will throw an all out hissy fit. She will cry and cry and cry till she cries herself to sleep. I feel bad about it, but if I didn't, I would never get anything done!

So who's to say, really, what's right and what's wrong. Every child is different, they all have different needs, and as they grow those needs change. For instance, Layna now doesn't seem to mind as much if she has a blanket on her as she sleeps. Maybe its because she hasn't felt good, I don't know, but she will let me cover her with it now. Tonight she actually grabbed for it as I laid it on top of her while she was laying on her back. I tried to get a picture, but her hand is under the blanket, so you can't see it.

The blanket she's covered up in is one that my Granny Steel made for me when I was little. I think it was supposed to be a doll blanket, but it works perfectly for Layna right now, and it couldn't make me any happier. Granny Steel was a family friend on my mom's side. Her and her husband never had kids. We went to see her quite a bit as I was growing up. She made me all kinds of things, including a dress that I wish I could find, if my mom kept it.

When she passed away, there was no one at the funeral home but myself, my mom and dad, and my grandparents. I think one or two people straggled in while we were there. We did not follow the procession; I'm not sure that anyone did. I remember being upset that we didn't, and then especially later on when we rode past the cemetery during the graveside service and there was no one there.

Granny Steel was such a big part of my childhood, I loved going to visit with her. It saddened me that she had to go like that. She had been in the nursing home, only because of a broken arm and had no one to stay with her while she was recovering, and she slowly lost her mind in there. She told mom on her last visit that her sister had come to pick her up and ride her around town in the car. No one had come to see her. The nurses called mom when she died, they weren't sure who else to call.

So Layna taking up with that particular blanket, even though its small, means SO much to me.

And if I have to rock her to sleep at 2am wrapped up in it, then so be it!

Sunday Confessions

My confession this Sunday is a selfish one.

We drove to Kentucky yesterday for a wedding. A cousin of Bugz's. They had to have it in the old courthouse in their town, as their original venue canceled on them at the last minute. But you know, that courthouse, built in 1904, was beautiful. So much old character. In the courtroom it was as if you were on a movie set. Round room, balcony above, door to the stairs to the clock tower, old law books lining the balcony walls, candelabra light fixtures around the room downstairs.

They had the wedding in the lobby area downstairs. It was a very small affair, maybe 30 people. It was short and sweet. There was a reception and pictures afterwards, which was filled with a lot of fun.

Late evening we headed back home, making a pit stop in downtown Nashville and sat in a traffic jam on Broadway. We finally rolled in the driveway some time after midnight.

First I have to say I loved Kentucky. We went through a town called Adairville, right over the TN line. If I could uproot and move, that small town would be in the running.

Second, I have to say that it was a beautiful wedding. Beautiful ceremony, beautiful venue, great food, lots of silly string and shaving cream.

So what is my selfish confession about?

Where to start.

I have mentioned it before, but it seems to be making its way back into the spotlight.

Yesterday I watched a couple in love get married. Yesterday I watched a married couple have fun and pick on each other in love. Yesterday I watched a new couple get closer together and take their relationship a step further, holding hands, hugging and kissing, professing their love and having a fun time.

Then I sat alone on a bench. I walked alone upstairs and was gone for 30 minutes and not noticed. I asked for a picture and got a disgusted sigh. I did get lunch and a snack on the trip, though.

I never really got a proposal, it was a "Can we get married now?" during a moment of great sadness, and it was all about Layna. It wasn't for me, it wasn't about me, it was her.

We have been together, off and on, for almost 8 years. 5 years together, two broken up but still periodically together, then he has been here since Layna was born, 8 months.

After all that time, I should know not to expect too much from him; he never holds my hand, he never hugs me, he never says he loves me. Why should it change now?

Because that's what I want. I want to feel special, I want to feel loved, I want to feel like I'm someone's dream come true, someone's only one.

Instead, I am a "package deal", I go along with Layna. Can't have Layna without me.

Instead I get to sit back and watch all these happy, in love couples, while I sit alone on a bench, or grocery shopping by myself, or go anywhere by myself, for that matter.

So yes, I am being selfish. Why can't that happy couple be me? Yes, me, because its what I want, obviously not what he wants. Why can't I have that unending love that just oozes out from every word and action said and done between two people? Why do I always have to feel like I'm alone?

Maybe I should give it up. Maybe I should just be happy with the fact that he is here, for Layna, and that his family accepts her too. Maybe I should be content with a lukewarm relationship arrangement instead of being alone.

It just hurts to think that the new couple will probably get married before we do. That the happy couple will always be more happy than we are (or than I am). That I will always live in a two story house where the floors never meet.

Downward Spiral

Sometimes its best to keep your opinions to yourself. If your intent is to make someone feel bad, then maybe you need to think about why you want them to feel bad.

Is it your place to judge why they are in the position they are in? Is it your place to tell them what to do? Unless it is your child, who isn't old enough to make their own decisions, or someone who works under you and you are their boss, then no, you have no right to tell them what to do.

Yes, you can be concerned. Its everyone's nature to be concerned.

I was judged quite a few times this weekend, and yes, I feel horrible about it. I also feel unfairly judged. Its one thing to choose to do or not to do something out of laziness. Its another thing to do something because you feel its the right thing to do at that time in your life.

Yes, I want to work. Yes, I want to provide the best life for my daughter.

At the same time I want to be here for her. I see how the world is today. You can't trust anyone, the school systems are horrible. I don't have built in mommies and grandmommies that can watch her while I work. I don't have brothers or sisters that can help out. I have in-laws, but they have their own children and their own jobs.

Right now, my place is with Layna. I truly believe that. Are we struggling? Yes. Are we broke? Yes. But Layna has everything she needs, and that's all that matters right now.

I have put in applications at various different places with no luck, so its not for a lack of trying.

People have told me that I need to go into photography. I would absolutely love to do that, but the problem is there are already SO many self-proclaimed photographers out there it's not even funny! I alone have six or seven friends on Facebook that do their own side photography business. How do you compete with that? And against your friends? There are so many now that a lot of the commercial photography studios have gone out of business, like the ones in Walmart, and even Olan Mills in Tullahoma (wasn't that the one?)

When the perfect opportunity falls in place, I will jump on it, and I will know if its the right thing or not.

Sunday Confessions

I thought for a while what I wanted to write about today, and it was as if it was handed to me. Various signs here and there all day.

I did not plan on having Layna. She was a complete accident. But she was a blessing.

She drives me nuts at times, like when I need time to myself to just relax and all she wants to do is fuss, or when I need to sleep and she wakes me up at 2am and then again at 6am, and Daddy's alarm goes off at 4am.

But I honestly don't know what I would do if I didn't have her. Her Grammy Sue said it the other day, "What did we ever do without her?"

I have mentioned before that my pregnancy was different from most people, and that I really don't feel like I was ever even pregnant. I look at Layna and think, "Is she really mine?" Now I add to that "Was she ever that small?" when I pack away her 0-3 clothing she has outgrown.

Although I never wanted to be a mom, I now am, and I wouldn't give anything to not have her. If her biological father or his mother decided to fight for her, I would sell everything I own to hire a lawyer to make sure they don't get her. I'd almost go so far as to say that I'd sell my soul to the Devil if it meant I'd get to keep her, but I don't want to go to Hell, so I trust that God will give me what I need when that time comes, if it does.

I love my daughter. So much so that it is VERY hard for me to let someone else hold her. Its not a trust issue; for the most part I trust everyone that holds her. Strangers I am a bit leery about. No, its more of the "I don't want to let her go, I always want her in my arms" syndrome. At home I'm ok putting her in the floor, letting her play. I do have a hard time at night putting her down in her crib instead of snuggling with her. But when we are somewhere and everyone else is holding her, even Daddy, I get anxious. I want her back.

Today it hit me as to partly why I am this way.

I saw where a man from Manchester passed away Friday. I did not know him, but there was a Facebook page set up to keep track of his progress with his battle with Cancer. He was diagnosed in April of this year. August 8th his wife gave birth to a beautiful baby girl. August 29th he passed away. He was only 40.

I was 24 when my mom died. I am an only child, and I was very close to my mom. I took it extremely hard. I ended up having health issues from the depression and had to quit my job. (Among other reasons that all happened at the same time.) When my mom passed, she was 48. She battled cancer off and on for 3 years.

Part of me is afraid that I am going to have cancer, like my mom, grandmother, grandpa, great aunts and uncles, and numerous cousins that have all had it or passed away from it. I don't want Layna to suffer through that. But if she has to, I want to spend as much time with her as I can. I want that for me, and I want that for her. I want her to remember her mommy as a loving mommy who always did what she could for her. I don't want her to be a "mommy's girl", but I want her to know how much I love her.

Another part is because of what I mentioned earlier; I have a hard time believing she's really mine, and I am afraid someone is going to take her away from me. I would flee the country if it meant I could get away from her dad and his mom if they wanted to take her away from me. I want to hold her tight, never let her go.

Is that being a bad mommy, not wanting to have her taken away? To always want to hold her?

My daughter is my life. I can't even bring myself to work because I don't want to leave her.

Maybe I need help. Maybe I need to learn how to let go.

Randoms

Time for another randomly thrown together blog, starting at 1:30am today.

1) It is way too hot! I am so ready for Fall and cooler weather!

2) I crocheted Layna a bonnet to go with a dress I picked up for her for Old Timer's Day. Now just have to go get some ribbon.

3) Layna just fell back asleep, maybe I should too, and finish this over the next bottle. Haha!

4) I love photography. I may not be good at it, I may not have all the proper equipment, I may not have professional training, but I get a thrill from capturing, editing, and printing that perfect picture. Its as if I obsess over it. Sometimes I strive to get and edit that perfect picture of Layna, as if she's not sitting there right in front of me. I guess its because pictures freeze time, they capture memories, they help us to remember. My mom hated having her picture taken, so there aren't that many that I can share with Layna of the grandma she'll never meet (till Heaven, that is). I want to preserve her life, so that it can be shared with her future generations. And so I can remember.

5) I have a tooth or two that desperately need to be pulled. With no dental, they will have to wait. My mouth is killing me, but those are also the last two teeth I have to chew with, I hate to lose them. All I'd have left are front teeth. I pray Layna doesn't get my bad teeth, like I got my mom's.

6) I hate making trips to places 30-45 minutes away for one thing, then turn around and go back. If you are going to drive that far, make a day of it.

7) I hate driving and riding in the rain. People's driving makes me very nervous on wet, slick roads.

8) I just had a drunk guy in Murfreesboro try to get in the car with Layna and I while Bugz was paying for gas. I really need to get my carry permit, although its legal for me to carry loaded only in the car now. Might have to start doing that.

9) I really wish I had a pool so I could jump in and relax on the days it's so hot you can't stand to even breathe outside.

10) If I had had an extra $100 this evening, I would have bought a new pair of boots at French's. Love me some Ariat boots! Bugz ended up with some and he likes them. I already have four pair. Layna doesn't have Ariat boots, but she does have four hard-bottom pair and two soft pair for when her feet get a bit bigger.

11) My child hates to have her face wiped off while and right after eating. She's gonna have to get over that.

12) What sense does it make to have a yard sale and have all the baby clothes marked $1 a piece, but the adult clothes .25cents?

13) I have the beginnings of a sore throat. Ugh.

14) I am the bargain queen! Well, kinda. When it comes to some things I am. I went to a thrift store Thursday and got Layna a $49 walker for $5, only thing wrong is dead battery. Also got her 12 articles of clothing, most for .25 a piece, including a Roxy swimsuit she can wear when she fits in a 2T. The most expensive was the dress seen below. Paid $5, looked the brand up online, and they sell for $40-60!!! Friday I went to a yard sale and got her four outfits and myself two shirts and a dress, all for $5. Today I went to another yard sale and got about 7-8 more outfits for her, including a Titans cheerleader outfit, and myself two shirts and a pair of Cato jeans for $5!! This evening we went to get Bugz some work boots. Went to the bargain room and found a pair of used Ariat work boots. One of the lace hooks was missing. They were asking $49.99, where brand new price was probably well over $100. I asked them if it could be fixed and they said yes. Gave us the name of a guy that could fix them, then knocked off $20!! So yeah, I love me a bargain!

15) Layna and I both just jumped at a loud clap of thunder, and now the rain is picking up. Time for some good sleeping!

Sunday Confessions

Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. It has been a week since my last confession.

But, yanno, even though it's only been a week, that is a week too long. We should be confessing every day, because we all sin in some way or another every day. Whether it be greed, anger, jealousy, gluttony, or some other sin, and believe me, there are plenty.

My sins today are jealousy, envy, and judgment. Well, not just those three, but the ones I'm gonna talk about anyway.

Yes, I am a jealous, envious person. I am jealous of those that have a lot of money. So much that they can throw it around like its no big deal. They have the big houses, fancy cars, flashy clothes. While I know some of them are probably living beyond their means (robbing Peter to pay Paul), they still have it all. Some of them are probably compensating for something; loss of family, insecurity from past hurts, growing up with nothing so thinking you have to have it all. And then there are those that brag about it, show it off. Those people I am the most jealous of.

Why? Because it seems as though the good people always finish last. The ones that try so hard and try to do what's right always end up at the bottom. I'm not a lazy bum like some of these people. Yes, I could very well go out and take any job I could find so that I can provide for my daughter. But you want another confession? I honestly think that I would have a mental breakdown if I had to be away from Layna for too long. I just don't think I could do it. So yes, I am envious of the people that have enough money to live comfortably without having to worry how they are going to get money for diapers and gas and even toilet paper.

I am also envious of those that have happy lives. I know that everyone has struggles that not everyone knows about, but there are just some people you can tell that they have a great relationship, that they love their job, that they are genuinely happy. I want that. I want to be happy. I have lost that somewhere along the way. Whether it be from being hurt so many times or from lack of money to be able to provide for my child, lots of factors add in to it all.

Yes, I am envious of the family that has the big house with the pool. Yes I am envious of the couple that love each other so much they can't live without the other, that they'd do anything for each other.

Where does the judgment come in? I have no right to say that these people, who have things better than I do, are stuck up, snobby, snooty, and whatever else comes up when you see them. While its true some of them may be, acting like they are too good for their own family and former friends, showing off what they have or how much they have, it is not my place to judge them. Even though I sometimes do.

In the end, it doesn't matter, though, what we have, how much money we have, who we have by our side, its what is in our hearts that matters. If we don't have Jesus in our hearts, and God in our lives, we have nothing.

Zip. Zilch. Nada.

And only God can truly judge us by our actions, how we treat others, who we take care of when its most important. We do not get to Heaven on our good deeds, but without Jesus and forgiveness, our bad deeds can surely get us to Hell.

So Father, please help me to work through my sins. Help me to understand that I don't need a fancy house, just a clean one. Help me to see that I don't have to have a brand new shiny car, just one that runs well and gets me to where I need to go. Help me to accept that I am who I am, and that my life is in Your hands, and that You don't care how I dress or how much money I have, You love me anyway. And please help me to not judge others, because even though it is hard to admit, everyone does it, and its that judgment that hurts us all in the end.

Sunday Confessions

I confess that today, this Sunday, I miss going to church. I miss my church family, even though it was for the best that I leave the church. We have yet to pick another one, although we have one we like, but it's too far away with no gas money. I am ready to find a church and get back in the Sunday routine.

I also confess that I am a crazy person. I love my daughter, but sometimes she drives me SO nuts that I need a break from her. But what do I do on my break? Wish I was with her. I don't like being away from her, even though I need that break sometimes.

My last confession; if you read it, and it doesn't apply to you, yet you are hurt/offended/insulted by it, then maybe you need to think about why. Are there things that you need to change as well? Just like when you go to church and the preacher starts preaching, and you start feeling guilty. Why? He (or she) isn't preaching directly to you, didn't call out your name. Because you know you do/relate to what is being said. Because you know it applies to your life in some way. So think about it. Where do your priorities lie?

Today I went to pick up some things I won off of the .50 Auction site. I was amazed at the crowd of people in the HS parking lot. I got Layna a toy for $2 and a pair of cute little boots for $1.50. I am thinking I might try and sell some stuff, but not sure if it would be worth it, .50 here and there. But....any money will help.

More Randomness

1) I closed out my checking account because they were charging me, and I couldn't afford a $6 fee every month when I have no income. This is a good thing, though. I see SO much on eBay and etsy I want, and now I have no way to pay for it. I also can't use a Redbox now, as you have to have a credit/debit card to rent, and now I don't.

2) Why are there SO many cute shoes for babies Layna's size, and why are they so expensive? I mean, she's not walking yet, so they are for looks only. Why pay so much for shoes she'll only wear a short time? They are so stinking cute tho.

3) I got banned and blocked from a Facebook group last night. A majority of the people seemed really helpful, positive, encouraging. But all it takes is one jerk to ruin it all. But....its their loss. They won't get to see the awesome crochet work I do.

4) I am hungry, but my child won't let me put her down. She's asleep, but when I lay her down she wakes and cries.

5) My child was not created under the best of circumstances, but I'm so glad she's here now.

6) I have a TON of Tony Stewart stuff for sale if anyone wants it.

7) I am sleepy.

8) I cannot sit around doing nothing, so it irritates me when I just sit with Layna. I love her, but sitting staring at the blank TV while I rock her drives me nuts. I want to be productive. Wash dishes, do laundry, crochet. Ok, mostly crochet.

9) I got fleas from my cousin's house.  :/

10) Layna feels clammy.

11) I need some wine.

12) Someone has been asleep since 4pm.
13) I cannot wait to go to a pumpkin patch this Fall. Maybe Grandaddy's Farm, or Lucky Ladd, beings I've never been to it. Or maybe both! Hayrides, slides, pig races, corn box, pumpkin picking, petting zoo. I'm getting excited!

14) Also craving pumpkin pie.

15) My 1500 calorie diet SUCKS!!!

16) I made Layna a sweater, and working on another one.

Randomness Returns

1) Watching "Annie" the original on DVD. I thought this was a kids movie, but they say GD a couple of times at the end. Wow.

2) I hate lies.

3) I hate mosquitoes.

4) I am so ready for Fall.

5) Some people just don't get it....if I unfriend you, don't try to add me back. I got rid of you for a reason.

6) People don't want you coming over to their house ALL the time, and late at night to boot.

7) My tooth hurts horribly.

8) I can't eat because my child is throwing a fit.

9) I still have no job, still have no unemployment money. Now have no food stamp money, and am completely broke.

10) On this diet, tuna fish is my friend. Not much else I can eat.

11) Really craving sweets.

12) Layna ate her supper outside tonight. Felt so good!

Robin Williams and Layna

I am deeply saddened by Robin Williams's suicide. Any suicide bothers me, but his has had a great impact on me.

You have to wonder, how can someone so successful and play such crazy, exuberant characters, have that much darkness inside him?

Yet, I know how.

For someone who battles with depression, nothing makes you happy. Everything covers you like that wet blanket that Todd Anderson describes in Dead Poets Society. You try to run, you try to hide, you medicate, you drink, you even resort to comedy.

Remember the class clown? He wanted attention. Because he was lonely, because he wanted acceptance, because he wanted to hide the darkness he covered it up with fake laughter and comedic relief.

Don't get me wrong, Robin was a genius! His sense for comedy was astounding. His characters, voices, even his singing....the man was a comic God.

But how long did that comedy hide what was really inside.

For some, to imagine that someone could take their own life is impossible. They can't begin to fathom just how deep that darkness can go.

And if they've never been there, they will never know.

Report from the sheriff says that there was a knife on the scene and superficial wounds on his left wrist. To me, this would be a possible sign of SI.

Now, I could be totally wrong. He could have sat in that chair and seriously thought about wrist slitting first, then realized he couldn't do it.

Or it could have been SI.

If it was, how long did he suffer from it? Did he try to relieve his anguish with the act of SI and it just didn't work this time? He stopped drinking, what else could he do to hide the darkness? To make the darkness go away? To make it feel that less painful?

Was, for him, suicide the only way left out of the darkness?

We may never know. The only way we would know is if he did in fact leave a note, as the sheriff somewhat hinted to in his press conference. If he did, we won't know for another few weeks yet.

And maybe we're not supposed to know. God let's everything happen for a reason. Maybe God knew that Robin would never be truly happy until the darkness was gone forever. Maybe He allowed it to happen so that Robin could be free, and that others who need help will have the courage to do so.

Not to jump on the whole "everyone is saying it" bandwagon, because yes, even Robin himself said it once, but as someone who has battled both SI and depression, I urge EVERYONE to keep an eye out for SI and depressive behaviors in your family and loved ones, coworkers, fellow classmates, even your neighbor! Anyone can suffer from either or, or both, of these diseases, and when it becomes too much to bear, they CANNOT handle it alone. Be there for them, help them, encourage them, help them get the help they need.

Stop, drop, and pray. Millions suffer from these diseases, and thousands have died because of them. Pray that they get the help they need, before it is too late.

R.I.P. Robin Williams, Oh Captain, my Captain.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Sadness aside, let's talk about the day I had today.

My child has a horrible rash. It has covered her arms and hands, legs and feet, chest, and butt, and as of this evening is now getting her forehead.

I took her to the doctor, extremely worried about what is wrong with her.

What do I get told?

Well, it could be strep, but highly doubtful because of her age and the fact that she isn't running a fever and is happy and smiling. So honestly, we have no idea what it is, but it is more than likely viral. It should go away in a few days.

Um....what? My child has red bumps covering almost all of her body, and you can't even begin to tell me what it is? What kind of viral condition could she have to break her out like that? What steps are you taking to find out? (They did do a throat swab to check for strep, even though she had a great looking throat and no fever.)

So here I am, highly upset. What am I supposed to do for my child? My plan is to give it two days, then get a second opinion.

Today was a good day with Grammy Sue, though. Layna jabbered away with her, reached for her hand, and sat in her lap for a while too. And Grammy Sue got her some shoes! (Well, she paid for them...I got them.) They are SO cute! She was in her walker scooting across Grammy Sue's shag carpet, although she can only go backwards. Haha!

I will refrain from mentioning the rest of the day, which made me so ill I wanted to throw things, break something, tell someone where to go. All I can do at this moment is pray that things will get better. I should know better by now, but it doesn't hurt to hope, right?

Sunday Confessions

I haven't written a lot lately.

No, that is not my confession.

It seems to be that I am taking two medications that can cause nightmares.

While for the most part they don't bother me so much, the last few weeks have been bad. Last nights was the worst.

I don't want to go into detail about it, as if it might make it come true, and I am not ready for that. My confession does have to do with my dream tho.

I feel guilty for being somewhat happy about the events in my dream. It was horrible, something I don't want to think about but is going to happen, and probably soon. Yet when it happens, it will also help me out to some extent.

Thus the reason why I feel guilty, and the reason why I woke up so upset this morning.

Then I find out this morning that the guy I root for in NASCAR ran over and killed someone at the dirt track last night.

I will admit, I have somewhat lost interest in him over the last year, mainly because his driving has gone down somewhat. He hasn't been finishing well. I am not a fair weather fan, I've rooted for him for over 12 years.

But this incident has left me scarred.

At first I was sympathetic towards him. I mean, he has to feel horrible for this tragic accident, right?

Then I start reading statements, comments, and watching the raw eyewitness video over and over.

I am sickened.

Tony Stewart is an excellent driver. He has been driving and competing since he could walk. He's driven almost anything you can imagine that has a steering wheel and has excelled in all of them, winning numerous championships in many different classes; USAC, Indy, dirt, Nascar, to name a few. His ability to drive a 4-wheeled vehicle of any kind with control and skill is what has made him the Champion he is. His driving and competitiveness has been likened to the late great Dale E.

Even the most skilled driver can make mistakes.

But that's just it.....mistakes.

Upon watching the video over and over, I'm not sure that it was a mistake.

I believe that the OUTCOME was a mistake, but not the act which caused it.

It is no secret that Tony is a hothead. He has been in many fights. He has jumped out of his own car and thrown his helmet at a fellow Nascar driver. He has taken retaliation on and off the track. Yet this one was the worst one he could have done.

I didn't want to believe it, but as I watched the video three, four, five times, you can tell many factors to see that the act of what he did (not the outcome) was intentional.

1) He is higher up on the track than the other drivers are. Comments on various media outlets say that he had no way of knowing the accident had happened and that he had no time to react and get out of the way. Yet he is going faster than all the other drivers, he knew he clipped the car to cause the wreck (pinning him against the wall), and when he comes around close to him, you can hear him accelerate his engine.

2) Fans say he accelerated to get out of the way, thus causing his back end to swing out and clip the driver, standing on the track. Tony has much more driver control of a vehicle than that. It seems as though he accelerated and swung towards him on purpose, maybe to scare him, not realizing that what actually happened would happen, though it was still careless nonetheless.

3) He still plans on racing in the Nascar race today. I know he bleeds racing, but this is just wrong. Out of respect to the family of the young man he killed, he needs to sit this one out. He should feel enough remorse and grief over what he's done that he wouldn't even want to get behind the wheel.

4) The released statements from his PR, or at least what I've seen so far, are at best empty and unsympathetic. While I have seen that Tony is working with authorities about the matter, their PR statements read as if he had nothing to do with it...."Tony was not hurt". Really? That was our main concern? He runs over someone, but luckily HE didn't get hurt. And its "business as usual" today at Watkins Glen, as if nothing happened.

Granted, Ward should have NEVER gotten out of his car and stood on the race track. That was his mistake. A mistake that sadly cost him his life.

I pray for his family today, who is grieving his loss in a way no family should have to.

And yes, even though I have now felt that I can no longer be a Tony Stewart fan, I pray for him as well. I pray that he realizes what he did was wrong, that he understands that his hothead ways has to stop, that his actions have scarred a family for life, and that he does not get away so lightly for what he's done. I pray that he is sympathetic, although that hasn't really shown yet. If he releases a statement later on showing remorse for what he's done, I might change my mind.

But I doubt it.

*Want to watch for yourself? Please be advised, it is graphic and there is foul language.

DISCRETION ADVISED - NASCAR driver Tony Stewart H…: http://youtu.be/qILmIyG6qno

Funday Monday

Layna and I went to spend some time today with my bestie Brandy, her daughters Reagan and Aeryn, their GiGi, and Brandy's dad. Layna had a good time, and the girls loved playing with her. She laid in the floor with Reagan and watched TV and rolled over quite a few times, and she went outside with Daddy O'Kelley for a while too.

When we left, we went to my neighbor/friend Karen's house and visited with her and my mom's bestie Glinda. They both held her and had her smiling. We didn't stay long, though, because she started getting fussy and Karen's son and friend were there sleeping off a bad wreck they had yesterday. So I brought her home and fed her.

Her whole schedule has been off whack today, and she has been horribly spitting up all day too, but luckily she just went to sleep. Hopefully she'll stay asleep and I'll get to sleep too. We didn't sleep much last night. Bed at 10ish, I woke up at 12, she woke up at 2am wide awake till 3am, went back to sleep at 3:15, she woke back up at 6:30. That makes for a very long day, at least for me anyway. If I don't get enough sleep, I am exhausted and cranky all day. That makes for a bad day. lol 

Sunday Confessions

So my Sundays are going to be for confessions. Every Sunday I will confess something, whether it be a deep dark secret, something you might not know about me, or just something silly.

Here is my first confession:

I totally blew my diet today. The food part was somewhat healthy, as I had roast, potatoes, corn, apples, rice, green beans, chow chow, and a pickle.

It was the dessert that got me.

Birthday cake!

Yeah, I had three pieces.

Oops.

But it was SO good!

Nightmares Round Two

Last night was another doozy. I'm not sure what's causing these dreams, but I wish I could stop it.

I'm not exactly sure how it started out. We were at someone else's house and there was a young girl, 8-10 years old, that was painting/sticking a pink swirly design up my arm.

Somehow we end up back at "home". Our house is directly behind another house, maybe 4-5 car lengths between our front and their back.

Its the middle of the night, and we see red flashing lights and hear sirens. I say " I hope that little girl didn't call the cops because I took that pink stuff off!" (Like it is some big deal)

We jump out of bed and run to the front of the house to look out the windows. Red lights are leaving the house in front, and I'm sitting there listening to the scanner, which is under the window.

A huge bean bag and a blanket appear, so I lay down on it while the scanner goes off, talking about the woman they picked up and are taking to the hospital. (If they said what was wrong, I don't remember)

Next thing I know, my front door bursts open and an older lady is inside. She is demanding I help her. I tell her that the ambulance has already taken her off to the hospital, what could I do? She gets very mad about this and starts yelling at me. I told her that all I could do was pray. She snatched an angel off my table, one that in the dream was one that my mom had given me, and was walking out the door. Two other women showed up and were standing outside the door. I told her I would call the cops for breaking and entering, as well as theft. They took off.

I called the hospital and asked to speak to the cop that was with the patient they had just brought in. I talked to a lady officer, told her all what happened, and she said someone would come out there.

Before anyone showed up, the ladies came back, threatening and wouldn't go away. I yelled for (someone) to get Layna and bring her in with us instead of being alone in her room, in case they tried to take her. I told the ladies if they came back again I'd have my gun ready for them. Anthony sticks his head out the door behind me and says he has his shotgun too.

They leave, then come back. I try to call the cops, but can't find the number. So I get my gun. They are standing at the right front corner of the house, in the yard a ways, and they are taunting me, saying the gun is not real. I point and shoot, not at them but next to them, so they know it's real. The bullet whizzes past one, makes a u-turn, and comes back at me! I am terrified, but as the bullet hits me, its like its hitting a pillow. It barely bumps me, then bounces off and hits the floor.

They are scared. They haven't seen this, but they know the gun is real. They try to run, but I shoot them. The bullets? Like Velcro, they stick to the front of one lady's shirt. They don't enter, they don't maim, and they certainly don't kill. I am devastated.

A cop shows up, and I'm on the front porch with a gun. He gets mad at me for having the gun and leaves. The ladies are back, and they get in a red car, followed by a older brown truck and a newer roof d truck. I call the cops to give them descriptions of the vehicles and then hang up. They do nothing.

We decide we're going to leave, go somewhere we think is safe. We get in there, behind a counter, and surprise surprise, the ladies come in! I try to call the cops but I can't find their number. I call what I think is the right one, its an old man that is quick to tell me I got the wrong number and hangs up on me. I think about the number and dial it again. Same old man. He begins to gripe at me, and I beg him to help. I tell him what's going on.

Somehow we end up back at home again. I am there with four guys, all sitting on the sofa. I am standing up next to them. In busts one of the ladies. She has a handgun herself, and she says, "I knew you'd get a gun, so I got one better!" and she shoots at the guys. Somehow, the handgun shoots a bullet that blasts a hole through all four guys on the sofa. She shot from the side, so the first one in line only had a puncture wound in the stomach, but it got worse the further it went back. The last guy's stomach had a big gaping hole. I scream and cry out at the lady, mad at her for hurting my boyfriend and friends (whoever they were).

At some point (before the shooting on the sofa), one of the ladies tried to sneak up to our house on horseback, like we wouldn't see her. At another point we were sitting on the front porch, in daylight, and these guys come up. One asked for me by name, and then started talking about the women. I started explaining to them what happened, and that I was the victim.

From there I don't really remember much more. I think that was enough to remember though. Enough that it has me wanting a bigger gun now. I know my .22 will not do what it did in the dream, but I still want something bigger.

And I want to stop these scary dreams. I've had enough.

Nightmares for the New Month

So, with all this high cholesterol business, I have become a huge worry wart. While I HATE this diet business, I know it needs to be done, for my health and for Layna's sake.

Yet, I worry. Dad has had a stroke in the past (didn't know he did, but it showed up on the tests). A great aunt on my Dad's side died of....heart attack I believe. My mom's sister has had heart issues, her brother has had multiple bypasses, so has her dad, and her mother's sister died of heart failure.

And that's only the ones I know.

So yeah, I am scared. I am a huge mess, worrying how long I'll be here for Layna, what will happen to me, when will it happen?

Just like I know I need to find a job, I know I need to work, but even though she drives me nuts sometimes, I want to spend every moment with Layna, in case something does happen. I don't want to be away from her.

Last night I had a horrible dream. Funny, it wasn't about my health or losing Layna or anything. It was about Nascar.

Now, you are probably saying "What? Why are you worried about a Nascar dream?"

Its because of the severity of the dream, the impact that it had on me.

We were watching, whether on TV or live was hard to tell or was back and forth. There was a horrific crash, only a few cars in front made it, the rest were caught up in the crash.

Now the details from here are sketchy. There was a huge pile, stacked upside down, sideways, and every which way. Reports on TV and online were that there were multiple fatalities, then they would hush it, as if they didn't want anyone to know. The count of fatalities that I remember was between 13-17. We tried to search the internet for information, but they were concealing it. You could feel the sadness, the heaviness, the depression.

When I woke up, that wouldn't go away. I am a big Nascar fan, but just looking at the pictures of teams on Facebook today brings back the dream again, over and over. Reliving that sad feeling over and over.

I don't know if there is any symbolism to the dream. Possibly the swiftness of the cars is how fast we live our lives, and the crash is how it can all come to an end in the blink of an eye. The secrecy, I can't figure out. 13-17, years left?

All I know is it shook me to the core, and I am ready to try and make things better. Whatever that may be.

For Layna.

For me.