Friday, January 30, 2015

Get Down With The Sickness

We are sick in this household.

I have the flu. I think daddy is getting it. And Layna? Well, I'm not sure.

She was running a high fever last weekend, and got over that, but now she's fussy, and Monday, Tuesday, and today she has thrown up and had a horrible diaper spell.

Today has been a fussy day all day, and tonight it even worse.

Got Layna to bed. I started feeling very nauseous when I put her in her crib, so I decide to take a half a phenegran pill, because it was the "I'm about to have a panic attack" nauseous, and I needed it to go away.

Take my pill, lay down to relax and let the panic feeling pass, and guess who wakes up screaming! I go in and pick her up to soothe her, and she falls immediately asleep. I know putting her in her crib is going to be pointless, so I took her to bed with me.

She's out on my chest, and the pill kicks in. I can't stay awake! I'm struggling to hold my eyes open and not let her go; when I take phenegran it knocks me out and I'm not as aware.

Here I am fighting it, which isn't helping my tummy. Daddy finally comes home and I ask him to take her to her crib. Guess what? She woke back up fussy, and he brought her to me.

So it is now 11:36pm, I'm rocking her in my glider, and debating trying the crib again. I think she wants me to hold her, and I love these snuggle moments, but I am SO sick! I need rest too. I have no voice. My throat is raw. I am weak. These meds the doc wrote for me aren't helping me one bit.

I sure hope the sickness passes out of this house SOON!

*Update - Just laid her down and so far she's sleeping well in her own crib. Let's pray she stays that way!

Thursday, January 22, 2015


We've been here before. It seems as though things haven't changed. Still doing/selling drugs, still hanging around with the wrong crowd, still disrespectful.

I thought that the time apart would change things. I though you would grow up. But, just like before, you put everything before what is more important.

Your priorities are in the wrong place. Instead of supporting your family, you support your drug habit. Instead of spending time with your child, you spend time running drugs and hanging out with your friends. Instead of telling someone you love them, you avoid them at all costs and stay away from them, only coming around to eat and sleep.

You never compliment, you never support, you never appreciate. You take for granted, you do as you please, you don't care about anyone but yourself.

There comes a time when someone has to grow up. When someone has to put things in perspective and decide what is more important, what is the right thing to do, what is best for themselves and their child.

I have come to that decision. The funny thing is, you take it for granted. You think I'm gonna put up with your mental, emotional, and verbal abuse. You take for granted the fact that I am going to be here no matter what you do.

Well, guess what! MY daughter deserves better than that. MY daughter deserves someone who is going to love her, cherish her, do anything humanly possible for her, and treat her mother the same. She does not need to see her mother cry, yell, get upset, get sick, because of you.

She needs to know that she is more important than your drugs, your friends, your video games.

She needs someone who will spend time with her, take her places, hold her, love her. Take her to church, help her to understand God's love and how to live a God filled life.

Hold her when she cries, and not be the cause of her tears.

I deserve not to be yelled at when I am upset with you because you come home high, 4-5-6-7 hours after you got off work, when I'm already in bed, when I've worked all day taking care of my child, cleaning, and shopping for the food you eat and the toilet paper you wipe your butt with.

I deserve someone who will lift me up, not tear me down. I deserve someone who will treat me with respect, and as if I mattered, not just another obstacle to overcome to do what you want to do.

If you can't look someone in the eye and tell them exactly why you love them, then you need to rethink the relationship. You can't even say "I love you"! And no, actions don't speak louder than words when your actions are disrespectful and hateful.

So here we are, back at the same place we were at almost the same time two years ago. Except this time its different. This time it doesn't hurt as bad. This time there is more than just me that is affected by your attitude and selfishness. And this time it will be a lot easier to walk away.

Now you have to decide what you want. Watch us walk away for good, or do something about it.

Tuesday, January 20, 2015

Not So Sweet Dreams

So its been a while since I posted. Having a now one year old, and the holidays, and her birthday, have really worn me out! But hey, she woke up this early a.m. for a bottle, so technically I get to write "over a bottle" again! Not that that is good, I'd rather be asleep.

Which brings me to my dream. I have been having some far out there crazy dreams lately. This one has been no exception.

Not sure how I slept long enough to dream, what with the fish out of water flopping in the bed, but I did. It was so scattered and crazy!

There was a moment where I was in a yard doing something to a tree and this guy drives by and says I'm acting suspicious, and I tell him its my cousin's house and I'm straightening things up for them while they are gone. Which prompts me to driving.

Driving in the dark in the rain, people walking in the middle of the road. Daylight and seeing Angela Vaughn and her son walking down the road, which prompted me to go to my mom's office to call her and ask her why she was walking.

Get to the office and its totally different. White walls, open everywhere, Mom at a small desk instead of her office (the old one she had, with the wood paneling and all). There are a ton of new people there and they are all acting funny because I am there. Somehow I try to get a job with some other people, and I thought I had the job....I didn't get it. The office changes back and I ask Mom why and she said because we didn't like it.

Drive with mom to somewhere, pass a neon orange house high on a hill for sale, try to look it up on Zillow to see how much it is. Pass a gated community in a dip on the side of the road, each house/shack is built over a pool.

Somehow end up without a car, in water. We are at a huge dam and this guy is there. He asks if everyone is ready and that we have to get close to the dam wall before he let's it open. I get sucked under and go down down down. He and Mom come after me, and I look up at them saying "help help". They grab my hands and swim me to the surface.

The dam opens and we go sliding down this dirt hill, no water. We turn to look back to make sure everyone has come down before the guy lets the dam go, and he lets it go (there's a fire ball behind it?) before everyone gets down. I don't see Mom, but I know I have to run before the water overtakes us.

I run, and end up having to run into a cave. There are tight walls all around and I know if I don't keep moving quickly I will be overcome by the water filling the cave. Find an opening in the cave, it leads to a building. Walking the hall, I turn around to look for Mom but can't see her anywhere. I pray and say I'm sorry I can't wait on Mom because if I do I'll die. I keep going.

I find a door at the end of a hallway and open it. I find myself standing in a yard with guys pointing video cameras. They say they need to turn it off before more people get hurt. I look at them, madder than ever, and ask them if it was all set up for a stunt show. They tell me no, it was all real, but they wanted to document it.

That is when I woke up.

There was also something in the beginning about being in some dark building or restaurant in the old days, like wood and a saloon/restaurant or something. For some reason all that is a blur of a memory.

I honestly don't know what is wrong with me. I am not taking any medication, so that isn't what is causing my strange dreams.

The last few days I've felt very strange. Lower back pains made me think maybe I was getting a kidney stone. Then I began to feel like I was swollen. My stomach muscles hurt as bad as right after I had Layna, complete with pain when I sit down. Then began the light headedness, dizziness, lack of focus, not being able to keep my balance well. Yesterday it was so bad I couldn't remember if I had eaten lunch or what I ate, then when I went to Walmart I couldn't remember where I parked.

Stress is getting to me, I know that much. And gaining weight like crazy isn't helping either. I weight as much, if not more, now than when I was pregnant with Layna!

We did take a walk in the park yesterday. We stopped and played on the playground, took some pictures here and there, and I felt great. Get in the car, the dizziness returns, along with the forgetfulness at Walmart.

Praying that it will get better, but not sure where to even begin to make it any better! Praying that it will all just go away soon......

Including the strange dreams.