Friday, July 25, 2014

Day Three

Day three of my diet, and it's going....ok.

Yesterday I got out and push mowed the yard. It was hot and the air was still. I bruised the top of my hand and peeled the skin off the inside of my ring finger trying to start the darned thing, but I did it. Push mowed the whole yard. And I did it all in about an hour and 15 minutes, give or take. I was hot, sweaty, and exhausted, but it felt good to know I did that. Not just riding on a mower, but pushing by hand!

Today, we went to the park. I knew after yesterday's workout, I needed to keep it going today, so off Layna and I went.

I put her in the stroller and we hit the "greenway" at the park. I didn't walk every inch of the "greenway", but we did almost all of it. I bypassed the section that went next to the road up to highway 55, and we didn't walk up the hill behind the bank, but we did walk under the 41 bridge. It was somewhere around 2 miles, if the sign I read was right. We walked it in under an hour.

I ran into a friend and her daughter who said they were " geocatching". I pretended to know what that meant, but had no clue, so now I am curious.

There was some pretty artwork under the bridges, I was impressed. For it not to have been tagged over is a miracle. There were a lot of teenagers in the park too, just hanging out. Was gonna take Layna out of her stroller and snap a pic on a bridge, but as we came back through, there were kids on each side, so we kept walking.

When we made it back to the car, I was wet with sweat. More so than I was when I was push mowing! No....not really. It felt like it tho. Packed Layna in the car and blasted the air conditioning. Boy did it feel good! I think next time I'll either go earlier in the morning, or later in the evening.

We got home, and I decided to give Layna her sippy cup bottle with some apple juice in it. After some work, she held it by herself and drank almost all 2oz I gave her! I think she has problems drinking from that particular nipple, but she's getting the hang of it.

Me? I had two celery sticks with one tbsp of roasted red pepper hummus, along with some of that zero calorie water soda stuff from Wal-Mart, key lime flavor. A nice 40 calorie cool down snack.

Now I'm really needing to get up and wash dishes, but all I want to do is take a nap.

Maybe I won't dream about the poisonous snakes in town tonight.

Tuesday, July 22, 2014

Rabbits, New Diet, and Rants

My awesome friend Ashley brought us a bunny the other day! It is so adorable! Layna already likes it, which is good. It escaped while we were gone to my doctor apt yesterday afternoon....hopefully getting a cage this evening.

My doctor apt was horrible. Turns out I have high cholesterol, so high that I have to take medication. I also have to go on a diet. She wants me to go for 1500 calories a day. Broken down, that is 300 for each big meal, and two 200 snacks.

I am totally lost. I am not sure how I'm going to do this. So many foods have so many calories, and to have to cut down that much, it is going to be very hard. For breakfast I had one pack of oatmeal, which barely filled the bottom of the bowl, and two cups of coffee with sugar. I could have skipped the coffee, but I sure didn't want to. Haha! For lunch I had a sandwich which consisted of one of those cheap packets of processed meat slices and mustard, with a 100 calorie bag of popcorn. I still went over 10 points, but beings that I didn't use as much for breakfast maybe it will be ok.

My biggest issue is going to be supper. It's not just me eating, so I have to think about fixing something for me and for Bugz. What in the world can I eat for supper that will only be 300 calories? Had to quit eating my breakfast cereal, wouldn't have even been able to eat a half of a bowl full before going over the 300 calories.

This absolutely sucks, but I know it has to be done. Heart problems run high on my mom's side of the family, and a little bit on my dad's side. I don't want to leave Layna behind earlier than I have to. Especially if it's something that I can help to prevent, unlike my mom who couldn't help what she had. If anyone has any tips for a 300 calorie supper, please leave me a comment below. I'm going to need all the help I can get.

Now to my rants.

1) The speed limit in town is 40 mph. That means you can go 45 and you'll be ok. If you can not go 40 mph (like say 30), you do not need to be driving. Especially when there are TWO of you, one in each lane, going thru the middle of town.

2) Why does it have to rain when I want to be outside? Had to go get my meds, so was gonna walk in the park. What happens? It starts sprinkling. Abandon the walk, go to Walmart (exercise in itself) and it stops sprinkling. Now I have to do dishes.

3) I hate unemployment! I am totally broke, no money to my name, and I still have not heard from unemployment about when I'll be getting money.

4) I am also mad at child support for not finding my sperm donor faster than they are. They don't care, so they really aren't looking. All I want is to go to court for the benefit of DHS and our TennCare, then he can sign his rights over and be done with it all.

5) Now that I need to do dishes, I have a massive headache. Blah.

I think I'm done ranting now. Here's some cute pics of Layna and BunBun.

Saturday, July 19, 2014

Washed Out Saturday

A headache, sore throat, and now my back hurts. Rainy days suck. Saturday morning is usually for the Farmer's Market and yard sales.

Today? Rain, rain, rain. Baby and man sleeping, me watching. I sat in my chair crocheting till I thought everything was calm.

Get up, go to clean the cries.


Its already almost 4pm and I've gotten nothing done today. Yet it hasn't been "lazy" for me.

No, I can't sleep, I can't clean. I am a prisoner in my own chair.

Hello rocker/glider chair. You are my best friend today.

Thursday, July 17, 2014

4th of July

The 4th of July is probably my favorite holiday, second to Christmas. I am sad to say, tho, that for me it all centers around the fireworks.

Don't get me wrong, I appreciate every person that fought for our freedoms, including a big chunk of my family members.

Lately, tho, our freedoms are slowly being stripped away. I realize we could have it a LOT worse, but if things continue the way they are, they just might be.

There are certain laws that strip away our freedoms. For one, the helmet law. If people riding motorcycles want to be idiots and not wear a helmet, they should not be forced to, that is their own stupidity. Same for seat belts. Then you have the car insurance, which kinda makes sense but only to safeguard the other drivers and help take care of repairs to car.

The biggest to me, tho, is the health insurance. It is our right whether or not to get health care. Its our right to choose what treatments we want and want to refuse. We should not be made to pay for insurance, nor should we be penalized if we can't afford it by having our tax refund taken away (at least half of it after the first year).

So yeah, forgive me if I am not overly excited about the "freedom" of our country. For me, its about the big boom.

That being said, Layna's first 4th was pretty good. We started on the 3rd, with the Majors' annual cookout and fireworks. She did so good, till the fireworks started. She watched a few of them, then went to sleep! Good and bad. Good, she wasn't scared by the big booms. Bad, she wasn't mesmerized by them to stay awake. Granted, it was 9pm, so she was sleepy. Hopefully next year will be fun with her.

On the 4th we had the England/Roberts/Everyone Else cookout and fireworks. We played games, visited, had great food, and fun fireworks. We also watched the neighborhood's fireworks, including some from where we thought was the next little town over....they had to have spent a fortune! They were huge over the trees and went on for a long time.

All in all, the 4th was great! Can't wait till next year!


Been a while, so let's do a random!

1) I am craving certain foods: hummus, Captain Crunch, home cooked green beans, coffee, and milk-free brownies (or anything else chocolate I can eat). Not all at once, either. CC and coffee for breakfast, hummus for lunch, beans for supper, and the chocolate as a snack. Oh, and caffeine free Pepsi.

2) Without my Zoloft you do NOT want to be around me.

3) I need to have a yard sale VERY soon.

4) I want to crochet so bad, but my child doesn't give me time to.

5) She also doesn't give me time to clean house.

6) I picked blackberries yesterday and got two ticks off of me.

7) I have been wanting to cook more fresh out of the garden, and I wish I had my own garden to tend and harvest from.

8) I wish I had a carpet cleaner.

9) No, I wish I had a house....with hardwood floors.

10) Not looking forward to my child's shots today.

11) Pissed off because these people said I could have their rabbit and now they won't respond to me. I really had my heart set on that rabbit.

12) I'm hungry.

13) I shouldn't be hungry.

14) I need a shower, but my child won't let me take one.....fussy butt.

15) My child has a dirty diaper.

16) I need a maid that will work for free.

17) I need more sleep.

18) I need to lose weight.

19) I need to dye my hair.

20) I am a loner. I don't like crowds, visiting people, or people showing up at my house unannounced and then hanging out.

21) My man won't let me kill spiders, and there are too many in this house!!

22) Sometimes I wish I could run away.

23) I hate the unemployment process. Supposedly I was approved, but still haven't heard a thing or seen any money.

24) My child is crying her head off, but I'm getting in the shower anyway. Am I a bad mommy?

25) First time in the shopping cart. Would have been better if she was in there a little tighter. 

Friday, July 11, 2014

Is It Real?

Not long ago I had someone ask me how motherhood was treating me, and I said "It still doesn't seem real."

She looked at me like I was stupid. After all, Layna is six months old now.

But, its true. And I'll tell you why.

There was so much going on with this pregnancy it wasn't even funny. For starters, her biological father and I weren't even together. The day after he told me he was going back to his ex, I found out I was pregnant. When I told him I was, he told me to have an abortion. I told him no, that wasn't going to happen. He told me he didn't want to have anything to do with the baby. I told him that was ok. So I went it alone.

Second, I was working a job that totally wore me out seven days a week with little to no days off. I got pregnant not long after I started there, maybe a month and a half. I spent all of my pregnancy on my feet, in a hot factory, making car parts. Occasionally I would have a Sunday off, but there was a month we only got one day off. My work days consisted of being up at 4am, getting ready and going to work, working a 9 hour day, leaving work and stopping for something to eat (Subway, Jiffy Burger, J&J) and a big Sprite from Sonic. Get home, eat, shower or bathe, and go to sleep. I was too physically exhausted for much more than that. I didn't have time to enjoy my pregnancy. I didn't even begin to really feel her kick till after I quit in November, and she was born in Jan. I had a month and a half to really sit back and say "Hey, I'm pregnant!"

Then there was the backlash. Being a single mom, pregnant, quitting my job. Making me feel like a loser.

It was as if it was all a dream. Even the labor, which I didn't know I was going into and didn't realize I had tried to push for three hours before the c-section.

So when I look at Layna, yes, I do wonder if its really real. Did I really carry her for almost 9 months? Did I really have my abdomen sliced open and a baby come out? Did I really lay in that hospital bed and hold her, so tiny, as her daddy sat next to me? Did I really bring her home not knowing what to do, and not even have her room ready yet because I though I had another two and a half weeks before she was supposed to be here?

I want to slap myself, wake myself up. Yet every time she cries and throws a fit, I'm reminded that I am in fact awake.

Like right now.

Monday, July 7, 2014

Bad Dream

This morning, after Layna's 4am bottle, I fell back asleep for a short time. I had one of the worst dreams I think I have ever had.

I dreamt that we took Layna to stay with a friend and her husband while we did something (don't know what). The friend's name kept changing from Bugz's real sister and one of my friends from school, and every time I saw her, she was that friend.

She was married to someone else, not who she is in real life, but someone I know as well.

When we went to pick Layna up, they had her in her car seat, turned backwards from us. The husband said they'd had a great time, and friend said they'd all had strawberry salads for lunch.

I remembered thinking that was odd, as Layna can't eat lettuce or strawberries. So they turn the car seat around and there sits a much larger boy with brown hair and a blue shirt. I start going off, yelling at them, telling them that's not Layna. Asking them how stupid they are for thinking that was her, that's a boy, what did they do with Layna, where is she, how could you lose her?

They claim they must've got the wrong carrier at the restaurant. They say they know who has Layna and give me a name and number. I call said number, and a guy answers and asks me to describe Layna. I do, and he says that's her, that he will meet me at a place to pick her up. I don't hear the place, and I ask him to repeat. We lose connection.

I try to call back, but get no answer at all. I try to call friend and don't have their number. Look them up on Facebook, get an out of town number. Call it, someone answers but never says anything, then hangs up. Try to call again, number doesn't work. Look up their Facebook pages, they are both deleted. We ended up going to their house. We attacked them, told them something fishy was going on and that when we get her back they will NEVER see her again, that Layna's godmother would watch her instead.

Somehow I find a forum online where they talked about someone acquiring a baby girl from someone else. How the baby was killed, and they needed to bury the body. One name was mentioned, and I thought it was the name they said as the person that had Layna. I tried to find out more, tried to track them down. More stories came out about these guys, that they bought the baby girl from this guy.

I ended up breaking down screaming, knowing my baby was dead. I woke up in a terror. Now I don't want to let her go. I so hate dreams.

Tuesday, July 1, 2014

Girl on an Adventure

It's no secret that Layna likes bouncing roughly and swinging high and hard, not to mention riding in a car.

Well, now we know she likes riding the lawn mower.

PLEASE understand we did NOT mow the yard with her on, her daddy got her and slowly rode her around the front yard when I was done mowing. She loved it!

Next step is either the tractor or the 4 wheeler. Next step? NASCAR!