Friday, July 11, 2014

Is It Real?

Not long ago I had someone ask me how motherhood was treating me, and I said "It still doesn't seem real."

She looked at me like I was stupid. After all, Layna is six months old now.

But, its true. And I'll tell you why.

There was so much going on with this pregnancy it wasn't even funny. For starters, her biological father and I weren't even together. The day after he told me he was going back to his ex, I found out I was pregnant. When I told him I was, he told me to have an abortion. I told him no, that wasn't going to happen. He told me he didn't want to have anything to do with the baby. I told him that was ok. So I went it alone.

Second, I was working a job that totally wore me out seven days a week with little to no days off. I got pregnant not long after I started there, maybe a month and a half. I spent all of my pregnancy on my feet, in a hot factory, making car parts. Occasionally I would have a Sunday off, but there was a month we only got one day off. My work days consisted of being up at 4am, getting ready and going to work, working a 9 hour day, leaving work and stopping for something to eat (Subway, Jiffy Burger, J&J) and a big Sprite from Sonic. Get home, eat, shower or bathe, and go to sleep. I was too physically exhausted for much more than that. I didn't have time to enjoy my pregnancy. I didn't even begin to really feel her kick till after I quit in November, and she was born in Jan. I had a month and a half to really sit back and say "Hey, I'm pregnant!"

Then there was the backlash. Being a single mom, pregnant, quitting my job. Making me feel like a loser.

It was as if it was all a dream. Even the labor, which I didn't know I was going into and didn't realize I had tried to push for three hours before the c-section.

So when I look at Layna, yes, I do wonder if its really real. Did I really carry her for almost 9 months? Did I really have my abdomen sliced open and a baby come out? Did I really lay in that hospital bed and hold her, so tiny, as her daddy sat next to me? Did I really bring her home not knowing what to do, and not even have her room ready yet because I though I had another two and a half weeks before she was supposed to be here?

I want to slap myself, wake myself up. Yet every time she cries and throws a fit, I'm reminded that I am in fact awake.

Like right now.

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