Depression and the Holidays

Have you ever wanted to cry, but your head hurt so bad you couldn't?

Yeah, that's where I am right now.

I have always been one to preach "Be happy with what you have." I am not about material things, although I am sentimental.

But this year something has changed.

Not only do I have a child to think about, but I have no job.

Yes, I have a job; SAHM. That doesn't pay bills, though. That doesn't buy my daughter Christmas presents, then two weeks later give her a great 1st Birthday party. That doesn't get me a new laptop because mine is a POS and I need a better one to work on my photography with. That doesn't get us out of this sewage-filled back yard bug ridden trailer.

I'm not even sure I can get Layna a Christmas tree, much less where to put it in this tiny living room.

I have always worked. I have always had money to be comfortable with. I have no money to my name now. I hate this feeling.

It hurts me to hear all these people talking about buying this and doing that, and all I can do is sit here with Layna all day. I can't afford $5 a day to walk at the Rec Center, or $45 for a dress or new toy for Layna, or buy a new car or take a vacation.

Its not that I don't want to work. I don't feel right at all not working. After working 7 days a week at a factory before having Layna, doing nothing makes me feel worthless.

But it's not for not trying. I have put in applications at different places with no success. I did turn down one, but it was because it was part time and low pay all my check would have gone to daycare for Layna so I could work. I had a full time temp job that they said I did great at, but they didn't hire me when the time came.

I feel like an absolute failure. Like I'm not even worthy to be Layna's mom.

Then the jealousy of my boyfriend getting to do something that I have wanted to do since I was little has gotten the best of me, too. He isn't even a Tennessee fan, but he got to go the football game, and yet again, I just got to sit at home doing nothing. I have been a UT fan since Johnny Majors was a coach, since Andy Kelly was the star quarterback. I have always wanted to go to Neyland Stadium. When I was little I wanted to go to school at UT; I wanted to play basketball, and when I realized I sucked at it, I then wanted to be in The Pride of the Southland Band, forming that big T on the field.

I have come to learn that dreams are just that - dreams. At least in my case that's all they are.

Now I just need to learn how to stop dreaming.

And realize that what I have is what I have and I'll never have anything else. I must learn to make due with what I have (or don't) have.