Sunday, August 24, 2014

Sunday Confessions

Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. It has been a week since my last confession.

But, yanno, even though it's only been a week, that is a week too long. We should be confessing every day, because we all sin in some way or another every day. Whether it be greed, anger, jealousy, gluttony, or some other sin, and believe me, there are plenty.

My sins today are jealousy, envy, and judgment. Well, not just those three, but the ones I'm gonna talk about anyway.

Yes, I am a jealous, envious person. I am jealous of those that have a lot of money. So much that they can throw it around like its no big deal. They have the big houses, fancy cars, flashy clothes. While I know some of them are probably living beyond their means (robbing Peter to pay Paul), they still have it all. Some of them are probably compensating for something; loss of family, insecurity from past hurts, growing up with nothing so thinking you have to have it all. And then there are those that brag about it, show it off. Those people I am the most jealous of.

Why? Because it seems as though the good people always finish last. The ones that try so hard and try to do what's right always end up at the bottom. I'm not a lazy bum like some of these people. Yes, I could very well go out and take any job I could find so that I can provide for my daughter. But you want another confession? I honestly think that I would have a mental breakdown if I had to be away from Layna for too long. I just don't think I could do it. So yes, I am envious of the people that have enough money to live comfortably without having to worry how they are going to get money for diapers and gas and even toilet paper.

I am also envious of those that have happy lives. I know that everyone has struggles that not everyone knows about, but there are just some people you can tell that they have a great relationship, that they love their job, that they are genuinely happy. I want that. I want to be happy. I have lost that somewhere along the way. Whether it be from being hurt so many times or from lack of money to be able to provide for my child, lots of factors add in to it all.

Yes, I am envious of the family that has the big house with the pool. Yes I am envious of the couple that love each other so much they can't live without the other, that they'd do anything for each other.

Where does the judgment come in? I have no right to say that these people, who have things better than I do, are stuck up, snobby, snooty, and whatever else comes up when you see them. While its true some of them may be, acting like they are too good for their own family and former friends, showing off what they have or how much they have, it is not my place to judge them. Even though I sometimes do.

In the end, it doesn't matter, though, what we have, how much money we have, who we have by our side, its what is in our hearts that matters. If we don't have Jesus in our hearts, and God in our lives, we have nothing.

Zip. Zilch. Nada.

And only God can truly judge us by our actions, how we treat others, who we take care of when its most important. We do not get to Heaven on our good deeds, but without Jesus and forgiveness, our bad deeds can surely get us to Hell.

So Father, please help me to work through my sins. Help me to understand that I don't need a fancy house, just a clean one. Help me to see that I don't have to have a brand new shiny car, just one that runs well and gets me to where I need to go. Help me to accept that I am who I am, and that my life is in Your hands, and that You don't care how I dress or how much money I have, You love me anyway. And please help me to not judge others, because even though it is hard to admit, everyone does it, and its that judgment that hurts us all in the end.

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