Sunday Confessions

I thought for a while what I wanted to write about today, and it was as if it was handed to me. Various signs here and there all day.

I did not plan on having Layna. She was a complete accident. But she was a blessing.

She drives me nuts at times, like when I need time to myself to just relax and all she wants to do is fuss, or when I need to sleep and she wakes me up at 2am and then again at 6am, and Daddy's alarm goes off at 4am.

But I honestly don't know what I would do if I didn't have her. Her Grammy Sue said it the other day, "What did we ever do without her?"

I have mentioned before that my pregnancy was different from most people, and that I really don't feel like I was ever even pregnant. I look at Layna and think, "Is she really mine?" Now I add to that "Was she ever that small?" when I pack away her 0-3 clothing she has outgrown.

Although I never wanted to be a mom, I now am, and I wouldn't give anything to not have her. If her biological father or his mother decided to fight for her, I would sell everything I own to hire a lawyer to make sure they don't get her. I'd almost go so far as to say that I'd sell my soul to the Devil if it meant I'd get to keep her, but I don't want to go to Hell, so I trust that God will give me what I need when that time comes, if it does.

I love my daughter. So much so that it is VERY hard for me to let someone else hold her. Its not a trust issue; for the most part I trust everyone that holds her. Strangers I am a bit leery about. No, its more of the "I don't want to let her go, I always want her in my arms" syndrome. At home I'm ok putting her in the floor, letting her play. I do have a hard time at night putting her down in her crib instead of snuggling with her. But when we are somewhere and everyone else is holding her, even Daddy, I get anxious. I want her back.

Today it hit me as to partly why I am this way.

I saw where a man from Manchester passed away Friday. I did not know him, but there was a Facebook page set up to keep track of his progress with his battle with Cancer. He was diagnosed in April of this year. August 8th his wife gave birth to a beautiful baby girl. August 29th he passed away. He was only 40.

I was 24 when my mom died. I am an only child, and I was very close to my mom. I took it extremely hard. I ended up having health issues from the depression and had to quit my job. (Among other reasons that all happened at the same time.) When my mom passed, she was 48. She battled cancer off and on for 3 years.

Part of me is afraid that I am going to have cancer, like my mom, grandmother, grandpa, great aunts and uncles, and numerous cousins that have all had it or passed away from it. I don't want Layna to suffer through that. But if she has to, I want to spend as much time with her as I can. I want that for me, and I want that for her. I want her to remember her mommy as a loving mommy who always did what she could for her. I don't want her to be a "mommy's girl", but I want her to know how much I love her.

Another part is because of what I mentioned earlier; I have a hard time believing she's really mine, and I am afraid someone is going to take her away from me. I would flee the country if it meant I could get away from her dad and his mom if they wanted to take her away from me. I want to hold her tight, never let her go.

Is that being a bad mommy, not wanting to have her taken away? To always want to hold her?

My daughter is my life. I can't even bring myself to work because I don't want to leave her.

Maybe I need help. Maybe I need to learn how to let go.