Robin Williams and Layna

I am deeply saddened by Robin Williams's suicide. Any suicide bothers me, but his has had a great impact on me.

You have to wonder, how can someone so successful and play such crazy, exuberant characters, have that much darkness inside him?

Yet, I know how.

For someone who battles with depression, nothing makes you happy. Everything covers you like that wet blanket that Todd Anderson describes in Dead Poets Society. You try to run, you try to hide, you medicate, you drink, you even resort to comedy.

Remember the class clown? He wanted attention. Because he was lonely, because he wanted acceptance, because he wanted to hide the darkness he covered it up with fake laughter and comedic relief.

Don't get me wrong, Robin was a genius! His sense for comedy was astounding. His characters, voices, even his singing....the man was a comic God.

But how long did that comedy hide what was really inside.

For some, to imagine that someone could take their own life is impossible. They can't begin to fathom just how deep that darkness can go.

And if they've never been there, they will never know.

Report from the sheriff says that there was a knife on the scene and superficial wounds on his left wrist. To me, this would be a possible sign of SI.

Now, I could be totally wrong. He could have sat in that chair and seriously thought about wrist slitting first, then realized he couldn't do it.

Or it could have been SI.

If it was, how long did he suffer from it? Did he try to relieve his anguish with the act of SI and it just didn't work this time? He stopped drinking, what else could he do to hide the darkness? To make the darkness go away? To make it feel that less painful?

Was, for him, suicide the only way left out of the darkness?

We may never know. The only way we would know is if he did in fact leave a note, as the sheriff somewhat hinted to in his press conference. If he did, we won't know for another few weeks yet.

And maybe we're not supposed to know. God let's everything happen for a reason. Maybe God knew that Robin would never be truly happy until the darkness was gone forever. Maybe He allowed it to happen so that Robin could be free, and that others who need help will have the courage to do so.

Not to jump on the whole "everyone is saying it" bandwagon, because yes, even Robin himself said it once, but as someone who has battled both SI and depression, I urge EVERYONE to keep an eye out for SI and depressive behaviors in your family and loved ones, coworkers, fellow classmates, even your neighbor! Anyone can suffer from either or, or both, of these diseases, and when it becomes too much to bear, they CANNOT handle it alone. Be there for them, help them, encourage them, help them get the help they need.

Stop, drop, and pray. Millions suffer from these diseases, and thousands have died because of them. Pray that they get the help they need, before it is too late.

R.I.P. Robin Williams, Oh Captain, my Captain.

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Sadness aside, let's talk about the day I had today.

My child has a horrible rash. It has covered her arms and hands, legs and feet, chest, and butt, and as of this evening is now getting her forehead.

I took her to the doctor, extremely worried about what is wrong with her.

What do I get told?

Well, it could be strep, but highly doubtful because of her age and the fact that she isn't running a fever and is happy and smiling. So honestly, we have no idea what it is, but it is more than likely viral. It should go away in a few days.

Um....what? My child has red bumps covering almost all of her body, and you can't even begin to tell me what it is? What kind of viral condition could she have to break her out like that? What steps are you taking to find out? (They did do a throat swab to check for strep, even though she had a great looking throat and no fever.)

So here I am, highly upset. What am I supposed to do for my child? My plan is to give it two days, then get a second opinion.

Today was a good day with Grammy Sue, though. Layna jabbered away with her, reached for her hand, and sat in her lap for a while too. And Grammy Sue got her some shoes! (Well, she paid for them...I got them.) They are SO cute! She was in her walker scooting across Grammy Sue's shag carpet, although she can only go backwards. Haha!

I will refrain from mentioning the rest of the day, which made me so ill I wanted to throw things, break something, tell someone where to go. All I can do at this moment is pray that things will get better. I should know better by now, but it doesn't hurt to hope, right?