Seriously?

I love my child. She is everything to me. Yes, I might get frustrated, might even need a break now and then, but she is first in my life. As any child should be to their parents.

Some people forget that. There are those that give their children away as soon as they have them. In some instances, this can be acceptable; if you can't financially support your child the way he/she needs then adoption is a great alternative. Some people aren't cut out to be parents, and while they should have never made a baby to begin with, if they have, the child will probably be better off without them.

I don't know what I did before Layna was born. Granted, I miss working, and I know I need to get back to working, but it hasn't been for not trying. I have put in applications at various places, with no luck. Right now, though, my daughter is priority.

I am not a lucky person in that I don't have a mother or sister/brother to watch my child (for free) while I work. Most jobs these days are, at best, part time, and that wouldn't cover daycare services. But I don't want to be classified as a "deadbeat parent" either.

Everything I do is for my child. When I spend money, its on her. I have gained weight and none of my clothes fit, but I don't buy myself clothes. Everything I buy is for her. I don't remember the last time I spent money on myself, other than a magazine or two to read.

I have tried to start a photography business, kind of. I love photography, its my passion, its my "oxygen" (for those of you who have seen Mom's Day Out). Taking a great picture gives me a high better than any drug or alcohol. I have one session set up, if the rain ever stops, and that's it. Lots of compliments on my photos, but no one seems to think of me when they want photos done (except Angie, and I can't wait to get hers going!). I also tried my hand at tutus, which yet again everyone "loved", but only one wanted. I think they are adorable and will continue to make them for Layna no matter what.

I did the responsible thing and traded off my truck, that I loved SO much, for an " even trade" payoff, so that I had no vehicle payment and the car is paid off and in my name. I am not like most people out there and have to have the most expensive vehicles or the most new, going further into debt to do so. I try not to spend money on things I don't need, and what I do spend on (that's not for Layna) is something I can use, like a mirror for my photography, or a storage container for my clothes/yarn/etc.

My house may be cluttered, but at least its not full of garbage. There is a difference between accumulated items versus trash. I don't have empty ice cream containers, bottles full of tobacco spit, plastic bags full of garbage, and dog crap all over my floor. I don't like having my dogs in the house anymore, but there's not much I can do about that right now, as we can't put a fence in the back yard because of the sewer. My kitchen counters may be cluttered, but that's because we have limited cabinet space, and they are full, not because I'm too lazy to clean. My dishes may be dirty, but that's because I don't have a dishwasher, I have a 9 month old that keeps me busy all day, especially now that she is crawling everywhere. It also means I know how to cook, and we are well fed, with all the dishes to prove it.

I keep my yard mown as much as I can, weather permitting. All this rain has held me back, and yesterday's flooding in the yard will make me have to wait a while for it all to dry out. But for the most part, I keep my yard tidy, and I try to do the same with the porch.

Now....my grandma helped my parents more than anyone will ever know. My mom worked a job that was low-paying, but she stuck with for over 20 years. Dad jumped around from job to job, while Mom was stable and paid all the bills and took care of everything. She sacrificed things for herself so she could provide for me. She never bought clothes for herself, she wore most of the same few pieces she had over and over (which is why I think I have a clothing hoarding problem now). She always provided for me.

Grandma watched me when I was born. Mom went back to work and I stayed with her. She would cook supper for us and Mom would come pick me and the food up and take us home (next door). She did that for as long as I lived at home, if not longer. She cleaned house for them when Mom got sick. The trailer they lived in before I was born was bought by Grandpa, and when they bought the house they abandoned it behind, instead of selling it or moving it. The land they put their house on was my grandparents before they gave it to them.

There is so much more that I could list, but I won't. She helped them so much, and she has helped me too. Since Layna was born, Grandma has made sure my rent was paid, so that I could stay home with Layna. I didn't ask her for this, she offered it, insisted on it. She wants me to stay home with Layna. She sees and she knows how people are these days, how you can't trust anyone anymore.

So to sit back and tell me that I need to grow up? Seriously? I could say SO much more, but I'm leaving it at that.