Sunday, September 7, 2014

Sunday Confessions

My confession this Sunday is a selfish one.

We drove to Kentucky yesterday for a wedding. A cousin of Bugz's. They had to have it in the old courthouse in their town, as their original venue canceled on them at the last minute. But you know, that courthouse, built in 1904, was beautiful. So much old character. In the courtroom it was as if you were on a movie set. Round room, balcony above, door to the stairs to the clock tower, old law books lining the balcony walls, candelabra light fixtures around the room downstairs.

They had the wedding in the lobby area downstairs. It was a very small affair, maybe 30 people. It was short and sweet. There was a reception and pictures afterwards, which was filled with a lot of fun.

Late evening we headed back home, making a pit stop in downtown Nashville and sat in a traffic jam on Broadway. We finally rolled in the driveway some time after midnight.

First I have to say I loved Kentucky. We went through a town called Adairville, right over the TN line. If I could uproot and move, that small town would be in the running.

Second, I have to say that it was a beautiful wedding. Beautiful ceremony, beautiful venue, great food, lots of silly string and shaving cream.

So what is my selfish confession about?

Where to start.

I have mentioned it before, but it seems to be making its way back into the spotlight.

Yesterday I watched a couple in love get married. Yesterday I watched a married couple have fun and pick on each other in love. Yesterday I watched a new couple get closer together and take their relationship a step further, holding hands, hugging and kissing, professing their love and having a fun time.

Then I sat alone on a bench. I walked alone upstairs and was gone for 30 minutes and not noticed. I asked for a picture and got a disgusted sigh. I did get lunch and a snack on the trip, though.

I never really got a proposal, it was a "Can we get married now?" during a moment of great sadness, and it was all about Layna. It wasn't for me, it wasn't about me, it was her.

We have been together, off and on, for almost 8 years. 5 years together, two broken up but still periodically together, then he has been here since Layna was born, 8 months.

After all that time, I should know not to expect too much from him; he never holds my hand, he never hugs me, he never says he loves me. Why should it change now?

Because that's what I want. I want to feel special, I want to feel loved, I want to feel like I'm someone's dream come true, someone's only one.

Instead, I am a "package deal", I go along with Layna. Can't have Layna without me.

Instead I get to sit back and watch all these happy, in love couples, while I sit alone on a bench, or grocery shopping by myself, or go anywhere by myself, for that matter.

So yes, I am being selfish. Why can't that happy couple be me? Yes, me, because its what I want, obviously not what he wants. Why can't I have that unending love that just oozes out from every word and action said and done between two people? Why do I always have to feel like I'm alone?

Maybe I should give it up. Maybe I should just be happy with the fact that he is here, for Layna, and that his family accepts her too. Maybe I should be content with a lukewarm relationship arrangement instead of being alone.

It just hurts to think that the new couple will probably get married before we do. That the happy couple will always be more happy than we are (or than I am). That I will always live in a two story house where the floors never meet.

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