Why?

Who puts their cousin before their child?

Who puts their cousin before the person they are going to marry?

I sit here, every day, putting my child first. Everything is for her. Yet, he is out there playing family with his cousin. Being a "husband" to her and a father to her kids. Driving her around everywhere, doing everything for her. I get sick, I have to take care of my child. I don't have someone to take care of her for me so I can rest. I don't get to run away from my responsibilities when I can't or don't want to handle them. I don't abandon my kid and put other people before her.

He does things for them that he refuses to do for us. He is there for them when he could be here for us. He knows I have no one, no family, no friends to be there for me when I need them. He knows how hard a time I am having right now.

I guess I'm just not worth the time. I am not worth the effort. I am not worth anyone's love but my daughter's.

I am a horrible person. I can't even keep my daughter's rabbit alive! I can't seem to get a job, and if I did, I couldn't afford to pay for the daycare for someone to watch her.

I am a loser. Plain and simple.

In my last post, I said that I had lost my religion. I have. I believe God is up there. I just believe he is playing cruel jokes on us all down here. He's up there saying "Let me make them suffer, so that they will worship me, thinking I will help them." Why did he create us? So we would worship him. We are supposed to believe in him. I believed he would lead me the right way. I believed that he brought that someone back in my life when he did because it was meant to be. But it was all a joke. A joke to bring me down even further than I already was, to send me in a tailspin of suicidal horror.

The only reason why I am still alive, why I am still here, is for my daughter.

I have guys hitting on me only because they want sex and that's all. I am not worth any more than that.

My dad doesn't give a crap about me. My grandma is hateful and underminds my rule over my child. My mom's family has no contact with me, even though they know where I am.

My heart hurts from all the pain and anguish I am going through. My heart breaks from all the broken promises and lies. My self worth is gone. My self esteem never existed.

I'm not sure how I can keep going on......but I have to....for my daughter.