Randomness Returns

1) Watching "Annie" the original on DVD. I thought this was a kids movie, but they say GD a couple of times at the end. Wow.

2) I hate lies.

3) I hate mosquitoes.

4) I am so ready for Fall.

5) Some people just don't get it....if I unfriend you, don't try to add me back. I got rid of you for a reason.

6) People don't want you coming over to their house ALL the time, and late at night to boot.

7) My tooth hurts horribly.

8) I can't eat because my child is throwing a fit.

9) I still have no job, still have no unemployment money. Now have no food stamp money, and am completely broke.

10) On this diet, tuna fish is my friend. Not much else I can eat.

11) Really craving sweets.

12) Layna ate her supper outside tonight. Felt so good!

Robin Williams and Layna

I am deeply saddened by Robin Williams's suicide. Any suicide bothers me, but his has had a great impact on me.

You have to wonder, how can someone so successful and play such crazy, exuberant characters, have that much darkness inside him?

Yet, I know how.

For someone who battles with depression, nothing makes you happy. Everything covers you like that wet blanket that Todd Anderson describes in Dead Poets Society. You try to run, you try to hide, you medicate, you drink, you even resort to comedy.

Remember the class clown? He wanted attention. Because he was lonely, because he wanted acceptance, because he wanted to hide the darkness he covered it up with fake laughter and comedic relief.

Don't get me wrong, Robin was a genius! His sense for comedy was astounding. His characters, voices, even his singing....the man was a comic God.

But how long did that comedy hide what was really inside.

For some, to imagine that someone could take their own life is impossible. They can't begin to fathom just how deep that darkness can go.

And if they've never been there, they will never know.

Report from the sheriff says that there was a knife on the scene and superficial wounds on his left wrist. To me, this would be a possible sign of SI.

Now, I could be totally wrong. He could have sat in that chair and seriously thought about wrist slitting first, then realized he couldn't do it.

Or it could have been SI.

If it was, how long did he suffer from it? Did he try to relieve his anguish with the act of SI and it just didn't work this time? He stopped drinking, what else could he do to hide the darkness? To make the darkness go away? To make it feel that less painful?

Was, for him, suicide the only way left out of the darkness?

We may never know. The only way we would know is if he did in fact leave a note, as the sheriff somewhat hinted to in his press conference. If he did, we won't know for another few weeks yet.

And maybe we're not supposed to know. God let's everything happen for a reason. Maybe God knew that Robin would never be truly happy until the darkness was gone forever. Maybe He allowed it to happen so that Robin could be free, and that others who need help will have the courage to do so.

Not to jump on the whole "everyone is saying it" bandwagon, because yes, even Robin himself said it once, but as someone who has battled both SI and depression, I urge EVERYONE to keep an eye out for SI and depressive behaviors in your family and loved ones, coworkers, fellow classmates, even your neighbor! Anyone can suffer from either or, or both, of these diseases, and when it becomes too much to bear, they CANNOT handle it alone. Be there for them, help them, encourage them, help them get the help they need.

Stop, drop, and pray. Millions suffer from these diseases, and thousands have died because of them. Pray that they get the help they need, before it is too late.

R.I.P. Robin Williams, Oh Captain, my Captain.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Sadness aside, let's talk about the day I had today.

My child has a horrible rash. It has covered her arms and hands, legs and feet, chest, and butt, and as of this evening is now getting her forehead.

I took her to the doctor, extremely worried about what is wrong with her.

What do I get told?

Well, it could be strep, but highly doubtful because of her age and the fact that she isn't running a fever and is happy and smiling. So honestly, we have no idea what it is, but it is more than likely viral. It should go away in a few days.

Um....what? My child has red bumps covering almost all of her body, and you can't even begin to tell me what it is? What kind of viral condition could she have to break her out like that? What steps are you taking to find out? (They did do a throat swab to check for strep, even though she had a great looking throat and no fever.)

So here I am, highly upset. What am I supposed to do for my child? My plan is to give it two days, then get a second opinion.

Today was a good day with Grammy Sue, though. Layna jabbered away with her, reached for her hand, and sat in her lap for a while too. And Grammy Sue got her some shoes! (Well, she paid for them...I got them.) They are SO cute! She was in her walker scooting across Grammy Sue's shag carpet, although she can only go backwards. Haha!

I will refrain from mentioning the rest of the day, which made me so ill I wanted to throw things, break something, tell someone where to go. All I can do at this moment is pray that things will get better. I should know better by now, but it doesn't hurt to hope, right?

Sunday Confessions

I haven't written a lot lately.

No, that is not my confession.

It seems to be that I am taking two medications that can cause nightmares.

While for the most part they don't bother me so much, the last few weeks have been bad. Last nights was the worst.

I don't want to go into detail about it, as if it might make it come true, and I am not ready for that. My confession does have to do with my dream tho.

I feel guilty for being somewhat happy about the events in my dream. It was horrible, something I don't want to think about but is going to happen, and probably soon. Yet when it happens, it will also help me out to some extent.

Thus the reason why I feel guilty, and the reason why I woke up so upset this morning.

Then I find out this morning that the guy I root for in NASCAR ran over and killed someone at the dirt track last night.

I will admit, I have somewhat lost interest in him over the last year, mainly because his driving has gone down somewhat. He hasn't been finishing well. I am not a fair weather fan, I've rooted for him for over 12 years.

But this incident has left me scarred.

At first I was sympathetic towards him. I mean, he has to feel horrible for this tragic accident, right?

Then I start reading statements, comments, and watching the raw eyewitness video over and over.

I am sickened.

Tony Stewart is an excellent driver. He has been driving and competing since he could walk. He's driven almost anything you can imagine that has a steering wheel and has excelled in all of them, winning numerous championships in many different classes; USAC, Indy, dirt, Nascar, to name a few. His ability to drive a 4-wheeled vehicle of any kind with control and skill is what has made him the Champion he is. His driving and competitiveness has been likened to the late great Dale E.

Even the most skilled driver can make mistakes.

But that's just it.....mistakes.

Upon watching the video over and over, I'm not sure that it was a mistake.

I believe that the OUTCOME was a mistake, but not the act which caused it.

It is no secret that Tony is a hothead. He has been in many fights. He has jumped out of his own car and thrown his helmet at a fellow Nascar driver. He has taken retaliation on and off the track. Yet this one was the worst one he could have done.

I didn't want to believe it, but as I watched the video three, four, five times, you can tell many factors to see that the act of what he did (not the outcome) was intentional.

1) He is higher up on the track than the other drivers are. Comments on various media outlets say that he had no way of knowing the accident had happened and that he had no time to react and get out of the way. Yet he is going faster than all the other drivers, he knew he clipped the car to cause the wreck (pinning him against the wall), and when he comes around close to him, you can hear him accelerate his engine.

2) Fans say he accelerated to get out of the way, thus causing his back end to swing out and clip the driver, standing on the track. Tony has much more driver control of a vehicle than that. It seems as though he accelerated and swung towards him on purpose, maybe to scare him, not realizing that what actually happened would happen, though it was still careless nonetheless.

3) He still plans on racing in the Nascar race today. I know he bleeds racing, but this is just wrong. Out of respect to the family of the young man he killed, he needs to sit this one out. He should feel enough remorse and grief over what he's done that he wouldn't even want to get behind the wheel.

4) The released statements from his PR, or at least what I've seen so far, are at best empty and unsympathetic. While I have seen that Tony is working with authorities about the matter, their PR statements read as if he had nothing to do with it...."Tony was not hurt". Really? That was our main concern? He runs over someone, but luckily HE didn't get hurt. And its "business as usual" today at Watkins Glen, as if nothing happened.

Granted, Ward should have NEVER gotten out of his car and stood on the race track. That was his mistake. A mistake that sadly cost him his life.

I pray for his family today, who is grieving his loss in a way no family should have to.

And yes, even though I have now felt that I can no longer be a Tony Stewart fan, I pray for him as well. I pray that he realizes what he did was wrong, that he understands that his hothead ways has to stop, that his actions have scarred a family for life, and that he does not get away so lightly for what he's done. I pray that he is sympathetic, although that hasn't really shown yet. If he releases a statement later on showing remorse for what he's done, I might change my mind.

But I doubt it.

*Want to watch for yourself? Please be advised, it is graphic and there is foul language.

DISCRETION ADVISED - NASCAR driver Tony Stewart H…: http://youtu.be/qILmIyG6qno

Funday Monday

Layna and I went to spend some time today with my bestie Brandy, her daughters Reagan and Aeryn, their GiGi, and Brandy's dad. Layna had a good time, and the girls loved playing with her. She laid in the floor with Reagan and watched TV and rolled over quite a few times, and she went outside with Daddy O'Kelley for a while too.

When we left, we went to my neighbor/friend Karen's house and visited with her and my mom's bestie Glinda. They both held her and had her smiling. We didn't stay long, though, because she started getting fussy and Karen's son and friend were there sleeping off a bad wreck they had yesterday. So I brought her home and fed her.

Her whole schedule has been off whack today, and she has been horribly spitting up all day too, but luckily she just went to sleep. Hopefully she'll stay asleep and I'll get to sleep too. We didn't sleep much last night. Bed at 10ish, I woke up at 12, she woke up at 2am wide awake till 3am, went back to sleep at 3:15, she woke back up at 6:30. That makes for a very long day, at least for me anyway. If I don't get enough sleep, I am exhausted and cranky all day. That makes for a bad day. lol 

Sunday Confessions

So my Sundays are going to be for confessions. Every Sunday I will confess something, whether it be a deep dark secret, something you might not know about me, or just something silly.

Here is my first confession:

I totally blew my diet today. The food part was somewhat healthy, as I had roast, potatoes, corn, apples, rice, green beans, chow chow, and a pickle.

It was the dessert that got me.

Birthday cake!

Yeah, I had three pieces.

Oops.

But it was SO good!

Nightmares Round Two

Last night was another doozy. I'm not sure what's causing these dreams, but I wish I could stop it.

I'm not exactly sure how it started out. We were at someone else's house and there was a young girl, 8-10 years old, that was painting/sticking a pink swirly design up my arm.

Somehow we end up back at "home". Our house is directly behind another house, maybe 4-5 car lengths between our front and their back.

Its the middle of the night, and we see red flashing lights and hear sirens. I say " I hope that little girl didn't call the cops because I took that pink stuff off!" (Like it is some big deal)

We jump out of bed and run to the front of the house to look out the windows. Red lights are leaving the house in front, and I'm sitting there listening to the scanner, which is under the window.

A huge bean bag and a blanket appear, so I lay down on it while the scanner goes off, talking about the woman they picked up and are taking to the hospital. (If they said what was wrong, I don't remember)

Next thing I know, my front door bursts open and an older lady is inside. She is demanding I help her. I tell her that the ambulance has already taken her off to the hospital, what could I do? She gets very mad about this and starts yelling at me. I told her that all I could do was pray. She snatched an angel off my table, one that in the dream was one that my mom had given me, and was walking out the door. Two other women showed up and were standing outside the door. I told her I would call the cops for breaking and entering, as well as theft. They took off.

I called the hospital and asked to speak to the cop that was with the patient they had just brought in. I talked to a lady officer, told her all what happened, and she said someone would come out there.

Before anyone showed up, the ladies came back, threatening and wouldn't go away. I yelled for (someone) to get Layna and bring her in with us instead of being alone in her room, in case they tried to take her. I told the ladies if they came back again I'd have my gun ready for them. Anthony sticks his head out the door behind me and says he has his shotgun too.

They leave, then come back. I try to call the cops, but can't find the number. So I get my gun. They are standing at the right front corner of the house, in the yard a ways, and they are taunting me, saying the gun is not real. I point and shoot, not at them but next to them, so they know it's real. The bullet whizzes past one, makes a u-turn, and comes back at me! I am terrified, but as the bullet hits me, its like its hitting a pillow. It barely bumps me, then bounces off and hits the floor.

They are scared. They haven't seen this, but they know the gun is real. They try to run, but I shoot them. The bullets? Like Velcro, they stick to the front of one lady's shirt. They don't enter, they don't maim, and they certainly don't kill. I am devastated.

A cop shows up, and I'm on the front porch with a gun. He gets mad at me for having the gun and leaves. The ladies are back, and they get in a red car, followed by a older brown truck and a newer roof d truck. I call the cops to give them descriptions of the vehicles and then hang up. They do nothing.

We decide we're going to leave, go somewhere we think is safe. We get in there, behind a counter, and surprise surprise, the ladies come in! I try to call the cops but I can't find their number. I call what I think is the right one, its an old man that is quick to tell me I got the wrong number and hangs up on me. I think about the number and dial it again. Same old man. He begins to gripe at me, and I beg him to help. I tell him what's going on.

Somehow we end up back at home again. I am there with four guys, all sitting on the sofa. I am standing up next to them. In busts one of the ladies. She has a handgun herself, and she says, "I knew you'd get a gun, so I got one better!" and she shoots at the guys. Somehow, the handgun shoots a bullet that blasts a hole through all four guys on the sofa. She shot from the side, so the first one in line only had a puncture wound in the stomach, but it got worse the further it went back. The last guy's stomach had a big gaping hole. I scream and cry out at the lady, mad at her for hurting my boyfriend and friends (whoever they were).

At some point (before the shooting on the sofa), one of the ladies tried to sneak up to our house on horseback, like we wouldn't see her. At another point we were sitting on the front porch, in daylight, and these guys come up. One asked for me by name, and then started talking about the women. I started explaining to them what happened, and that I was the victim.

From there I don't really remember much more. I think that was enough to remember though. Enough that it has me wanting a bigger gun now. I know my .22 will not do what it did in the dream, but I still want something bigger.

And I want to stop these scary dreams. I've had enough.

Nightmares for the New Month

So, with all this high cholesterol business, I have become a huge worry wart. While I HATE this diet business, I know it needs to be done, for my health and for Layna's sake.

Yet, I worry. Dad has had a stroke in the past (didn't know he did, but it showed up on the tests). A great aunt on my Dad's side died of....heart attack I believe. My mom's sister has had heart issues, her brother has had multiple bypasses, so has her dad, and her mother's sister died of heart failure.

And that's only the ones I know.

So yeah, I am scared. I am a huge mess, worrying how long I'll be here for Layna, what will happen to me, when will it happen?

Just like I know I need to find a job, I know I need to work, but even though she drives me nuts sometimes, I want to spend every moment with Layna, in case something does happen. I don't want to be away from her.

Last night I had a horrible dream. Funny, it wasn't about my health or losing Layna or anything. It was about Nascar.

Now, you are probably saying "What? Why are you worried about a Nascar dream?"

Its because of the severity of the dream, the impact that it had on me.

We were watching, whether on TV or live was hard to tell or was back and forth. There was a horrific crash, only a few cars in front made it, the rest were caught up in the crash.

Now the details from here are sketchy. There was a huge pile, stacked upside down, sideways, and every which way. Reports on TV and online were that there were multiple fatalities, then they would hush it, as if they didn't want anyone to know. The count of fatalities that I remember was between 13-17. We tried to search the internet for information, but they were concealing it. You could feel the sadness, the heaviness, the depression.

When I woke up, that wouldn't go away. I am a big Nascar fan, but just looking at the pictures of teams on Facebook today brings back the dream again, over and over. Reliving that sad feeling over and over.

I don't know if there is any symbolism to the dream. Possibly the swiftness of the cars is how fast we live our lives, and the crash is how it can all come to an end in the blink of an eye. The secrecy, I can't figure out. 13-17, years left?

All I know is it shook me to the core, and I am ready to try and make things better. Whatever that may be.

For Layna.

For me.