Whiny Child = No Patience

I am with my child 24-7. I maybe get a break on Sundays for a few hours, but that's about it.

Please don't get me wrong, I love my child. I would do anything for her, and I don't know what I'd do without her.

That being said, I never wanted kids. Its not that I don't like them, because I do. I just knew that I had so many issues of my own that I needed to get myself right before I could ever think about a child.

But then Layna happened. I truly believe she was not an accident, though she was never intended to be created. I know she was supposed to happen, the signs were all there:

1) She was due on the day after the 11th anniversary of my mom's passing. Thank goodness she didn't come that day!

2) She ended up being a girl, which I know my mom would have loved.

3) Having her brought me back into a family that means so much to me and that I truly needed, both for her and for me.

Now, that still doesn't change the fact that I was in no way ready for her. As I have stated before, I was working a factory job where I worked 7 days a week, so my pregnancy was a blur for the most part. I was so busy and so tired I didn't even feel her move until late at night.

I quit work at the first of November. I gave birth the first of January. Two months I had to think about how my life was going to change.

But then there was the baby shower, and then Thanksgiving, and then Christmas, and then New Years. When I went into the hospital to have Layna, I didn't even have a bag packed! Her room was not ready yet, it was still a mess of stuff to organize. (In my defense, she was three weeks early, so I thought I had a little more time.)

I was not prepared.

It has been a year and almost a month, and I'm still not prepared. I still struggle with being a mom, handling the day to day bumps and humps we have to go through.

The lack of sleep, that is a big one for me. I am totally cranky as all get out when I don't have enough sleep. I wake up at every sound, so I wake up if she makes any kind of peep in the night. I might get a 3 hour sleep where I don't wake up, from that its an every hour or so wake up for some reason or another. It really drains me quickly.

The unclean house also drives me nuts. If I get behind, like I did this past week while I was sick, it is hard to get caught back up with a 1 year old that fusses if you aren't RIGHT THERE with her. And don't even suggest putting her in the high chair in the kitchen with me, she HATES being confined, so the high chair contentment only lasts maybe 5 minutes, then the fussing begins. Let me tell you, not having a dishwasher SUCKS!

The whining is the worst, though. I will admit my child is spoiled, there's no doubt about it. But this is not spoiled whining, and its not sick whining either. I know my child.

I just can't figure out the whining, and its driving me insane!

Its not because she's hungry, because I try to feed her and she won't eat.

Its not from her wanting to be held, because I pick her up and hold her and she has a fit. She squirms around till I put her down, and she cries again. No toys make her happy, not even her favorite cartoons. And I am the only one she does this with, except Daddy sometimes.

It usually last for a while, sometimes all day. It gets to a point where it goes on and on all day, and I lose my patience.

My grandma made me feel absolutely horrible when I told her I had to walk away from her while she was crying because I couldn't take it and I had to have a break. She informed me that she never had to do that, and I shouldn't leave her while she's crying.

I can't be the only one that can't handle a whiny child ALL DAY LONG. An hour or so maybe, but all day?

I'm sorry, but when my nerves have gotten to where they can't take anymore, I have to walk away. I don't leave her in danger, she is safe. Even if is just stepping outside while she's in her pack and play, she is safe, and soon I will be ok to go back and tackle it again.

I love my child, and would do anything for her, but sometimes I need a break from her.

It makes me want to go back to work, but then I can't imagine leaving her with anyone else, to care for her the way I am supposed to. I can't let someone else watch her and see a her "firsts" instead of me, especially when she will probably be my only one.

So alas, I fight my struggle every day for patience with my little whiny Layna bug. If you run into me and I'm less than friendly, or look a little stressed, you know I'm overdue for a long break.

Copycatting is the Highest Form of Flattery??

Ok, so I am not sure I phrased that right. I know there is a phrase like that, but I don't think "Copycatting" is the correct word.

Oh well, its my word.

But is the saying true?

On one hand, I'd like to think it is. That hand being the people that copycat me. Obviously they admire me enough that they have to like, say, and do everything I like, say, and do. And yes, I find it INCREDIBLY annoying, even though its supposed to be flattering.

Why?

Well, for one thing, sometimes you want something to be just yours. Something that you are good at, something you succeed in. When someone copycats you, they potentially take that away from you.

Take, for example, a hobby turned side business money maker. You start making something, using what little money you have to get it going. You haven't even started selling yet, still making, and your best friend says "Hey, I can do that!" and proceeds to use a lot more money than you have to buy the exact same stuff and start selling. The result? You have wasted money, and your bff is making more that she didn't need to begin with.

Another thing is when you like something. You like it so much it becomes your "trademark". Then your cousin/best friend/enemy starts liking it (because you do?) and it takes away the excitement for you for the subject. Which brings me to what I did last night.

I spent TWO HOURS at least, if not more, looking over decals for my new vehicle (is a small SUV considered a car or a truck, when used in a sentence?). I would see something that I used to like and think, " No, so-in-so has those all over her car, which happened not long after I had the first one on mine." Then I'd see a phrase from a movie and say, "No, I can't do that one, because even though I liked it first, (insert name) had never even seen the movie till I got her into it, and now she is obsessed with it."

Not to mention other reasons I rejected some of them; what if my little family doesn't stay at 3, how dumb would my stick family look if I had to scrape one off? 

Well, this all led me to the other hand of copycatting: the identity.

After a certain amount of copycatting, you begin to lose your own identity and become someone else.

How is that, you say? Let me explain.

Not all copycatting turns out this way. For example, I dated a guy long ago (Lord rest his soul...cancer sucks!) that was a huge NASCAR fan. I, to make him happy, "became" a fan, saying I liked the driver that he liked. Insert here a bit of identity fade.

When he and I broke up, I decided I needed another driver. This is when I got my identity back. I actually learned about racing, the drivers, and picked a driver all my own, who was fairly new in the big boys league (had already won the "not as big" boys league) and his background in racing was phenomenal. He went on that next year to win his first Cup title. NASCAR was my thing, and he was my driver. MY identity.

But, as I stated, it doesn't always work that way, either.

Think about the things you like. Where did you learn about them? Who introduced you to them? And the key question: Why do you like them?

There are so many things that I picked up over the years that I liked (or didn't like) just because someone else liked (or didn't like) them.

If I hadn't taken it upon myself to learn more about NASCAR after Jeremy, would I have ever liked it?

I had a crush on a guy that listened to Jackyl in high school. I started listening, because he listened. Would I have ever listened to them and liked them if it hadn't been for Brian? Probably not. And when I listen to them now, all these 21 years later, I think of him.

I loved sweet tea and would sit in my dad's lap and drink it all the time.....until my grandma said she hated sweet tea, and suddenly so did I, and I quit drinking it totally. Of course I drink it now, but imagine if we based our lives on what others said? What good stuff are you missing out on because someone else said they didn't like it, so you think its bad too?

I spent a weekend with my cousin and his wife one year, and they were huge fans of "The Office", so much so that I have a picture of my cousin as he was fishing wearing a Dunder Mifflin Paper Co. shirt. After having to watch it with them, I became obsessed with it and had to watch it myself. I have drifted away from liking it so much now, but I still haven't seen the season ender, so I have to watch it to see what happened.

There are some things I picked up along the way that I did because I really liked it; NASCAR, Harry Potter (thanks to my little cousin who kept on and on and on about it), The Walking Dead (which an ex got me hooked on). And there are things I picked up on my own, because I myself liked them, with no influence; NCIS, The Middle, authors galore of many great books that no one told me I had to read.

But it really gets you thinking; Do you like something because YOU like it, or because someone else did, so you just wanted to copycat them, whether you are aware you do or not, and now you are committed to it, whether you like it or not, because you invested in it?

Why do you like it? Is it because you genuinely like it, want to do/see/read/be it? If someone were to take it away, say you can't watch/read it, or even buy it anymore (yes, clothing is a copycat too), would you be devastated?

Why do you wear those cowboy boots? Is it because everyone else is wearing them, so you have to too? Or is it because they are comfortable, they help you get your job done, they are what you wear around your farm, not for a fashion show?

I will admit, I got on the camo (especially pink camo) bandwagon. No, I don't hunt, although if I had been taken when I was younger I probably still would to this day, as I love guns. But yes, I like pink camo. Why? Well....yeah, everyone else likes it, yeah its popular, but it is also pretty. But if it hadn't been so popular, would I have ever liked it?

I think about my daughter, who is only one year old. At that age they are so impressionable. I have given my child every opportunity to choose things she likes. That may sound dumb, but she is very strong willed and picky. If you hold up two of something, she will look at both and go for one versus the other. This goes for clothes and toys mostly (food doesn't count because its looks are deceiving).

The first toy she ever showed interest in was a stuffed monkey. I didn't tell her to like that monkey, she didn't see other kids with monkeys. That was her decision, and her decision alone, to like monkeys. I influenced her later on, when I knew she liked monkeys, by showing her Curious George, which she also likes. But, I have also shown her other cartoons that she could care less about. I didn't tell her not to like them, she just has no interest in them. She herself picked out Thomas the Train as she was watching cartoons at her great Grammy's one day. It was the only one she stopped and sat completely still for and watched the TV the whole time (and smiled real big when Percy was featured).

She has her own identity right now. How long before that will change? How long before my child becomes a copycat and succumbs to the peer pressures around her?

She already copycats some of our facial expressions and hand gestures, which is just too cute right now.

Will she still like Thomas, or will a kid make fun of her for liking it, beings she's a girl, and stop liking him? Will she like those horrid not so great for kids of ANY age Disney Channel shows because all her friends do?

This all boils down to who you are. What is your identity?

Mine took two hours to decide, trying to pick out a decal for the back window of a car. I narrowed it down to three or four.

One: A rack (deer antlers) that says Redneck Mama underneath. Am I really a redneck, or am I just going with the "redneck" fad?

Two: One that has a handgun on it that says "iPac". I can't legally pack without my carry permit, but I do own a Walther P22.

Three: A pink ribbon with antlers and the words " Save a Rack". Copycat that redneck bandwagon again? Maybe, but the ribbon is in memory of my mom.

Four: A monogram with deer antlers and ears. I hate monograms, but those ears and antlers are too cute! Another copycat bandwagon redneck choice?

I honestly don't know who I am anymore. Maybe I should look at MY copycatters!

(Layna copycatting our yawns.)

Get Down With The Sickness

We are sick in this household.

I have the flu. I think daddy is getting it. And Layna? Well, I'm not sure.

She was running a high fever last weekend, and got over that, but now she's fussy, and Monday, Tuesday, and today she has thrown up and had a horrible diaper spell.

Today has been a fussy day all day, and tonight it even worse.

Got Layna to bed. I started feeling very nauseous when I put her in her crib, so I decide to take a half a phenegran pill, because it was the "I'm about to have a panic attack" nauseous, and I needed it to go away.

Take my pill, lay down to relax and let the panic feeling pass, and guess who wakes up screaming! I go in and pick her up to soothe her, and she falls immediately asleep. I know putting her in her crib is going to be pointless, so I took her to bed with me.

She's out on my chest, and the pill kicks in. I can't stay awake! I'm struggling to hold my eyes open and not let her go; when I take phenegran it knocks me out and I'm not as aware.

Here I am fighting it, which isn't helping my tummy. Daddy finally comes home and I ask him to take her to her crib. Guess what? She woke back up fussy, and he brought her to me.

So it is now 11:36pm, I'm rocking her in my glider, and debating trying the crib again. I think she wants me to hold her, and I love these snuggle moments, but I am SO sick! I need rest too. I have no voice. My throat is raw. I am weak. These meds the doc wrote for me aren't helping me one bit.

I sure hope the sickness passes out of this house SOON!

*Update - Just laid her down and so far she's sleeping well in her own crib. Let's pray she stays that way!

Decisions

We've been here before. It seems as though things haven't changed. Still doing/selling drugs, still hanging around with the wrong crowd, still disrespectful.

I thought that the time apart would change things. I though you would grow up. But, just like before, you put everything before what is more important.

Your priorities are in the wrong place. Instead of supporting your family, you support your drug habit. Instead of spending time with your child, you spend time running drugs and hanging out with your friends. Instead of telling someone you love them, you avoid them at all costs and stay away from them, only coming around to eat and sleep.

You never compliment, you never support, you never appreciate. You take for granted, you do as you please, you don't care about anyone but yourself.

There comes a time when someone has to grow up. When someone has to put things in perspective and decide what is more important, what is the right thing to do, what is best for themselves and their child.

I have come to that decision. The funny thing is, you take it for granted. You think I'm gonna put up with your mental, emotional, and verbal abuse. You take for granted the fact that I am going to be here no matter what you do.

Well, guess what! MY daughter deserves better than that. MY daughter deserves someone who is going to love her, cherish her, do anything humanly possible for her, and treat her mother the same. She does not need to see her mother cry, yell, get upset, get sick, because of you.

She needs to know that she is more important than your drugs, your friends, your video games.

She needs someone who will spend time with her, take her places, hold her, love her. Take her to church, help her to understand God's love and how to live a God filled life.

Hold her when she cries, and not be the cause of her tears.

I deserve not to be yelled at when I am upset with you because you come home high, 4-5-6-7 hours after you got off work, when I'm already in bed, when I've worked all day taking care of my child, cleaning, and shopping for the food you eat and the toilet paper you wipe your butt with.

I deserve someone who will lift me up, not tear me down. I deserve someone who will treat me with respect, and as if I mattered, not just another obstacle to overcome to do what you want to do.

If you can't look someone in the eye and tell them exactly why you love them, then you need to rethink the relationship. You can't even say "I love you"! And no, actions don't speak louder than words when your actions are disrespectful and hateful.

So here we are, back at the same place we were at almost the same time two years ago. Except this time its different. This time it doesn't hurt as bad. This time there is more than just me that is affected by your attitude and selfishness. And this time it will be a lot easier to walk away.

Now you have to decide what you want. Watch us walk away for good, or do something about it.

Not So Sweet Dreams

So its been a while since I posted. Having a now one year old, and the holidays, and her birthday, have really worn me out! But hey, she woke up this early a.m. for a bottle, so technically I get to write "over a bottle" again! Not that that is good, I'd rather be asleep.

Which brings me to my dream. I have been having some far out there crazy dreams lately. This one has been no exception.

Not sure how I slept long enough to dream, what with the fish out of water flopping in the bed, but I did. It was so scattered and crazy!

There was a moment where I was in a yard doing something to a tree and this guy drives by and says I'm acting suspicious, and I tell him its my cousin's house and I'm straightening things up for them while they are gone. Which prompts me to driving.

Driving in the dark in the rain, people walking in the middle of the road. Daylight and seeing Angela Vaughn and her son walking down the road, which prompted me to go to my mom's office to call her and ask her why she was walking.

Get to the office and its totally different. White walls, open everywhere, Mom at a small desk instead of her office (the old one she had, with the wood paneling and all). There are a ton of new people there and they are all acting funny because I am there. Somehow I try to get a job with some other people, and I thought I had the job....I didn't get it. The office changes back and I ask Mom why and she said because we didn't like it.

Drive with mom to somewhere, pass a neon orange house high on a hill for sale, try to look it up on Zillow to see how much it is. Pass a gated community in a dip on the side of the road, each house/shack is built over a pool.

Somehow end up without a car, in water. We are at a huge dam and this guy is there. He asks if everyone is ready and that we have to get close to the dam wall before he let's it open. I get sucked under and go down down down. He and Mom come after me, and I look up at them saying "help help". They grab my hands and swim me to the surface.

The dam opens and we go sliding down this dirt hill, no water. We turn to look back to make sure everyone has come down before the guy lets the dam go, and he lets it go (there's a fire ball behind it?) before everyone gets down. I don't see Mom, but I know I have to run before the water overtakes us.

I run, and end up having to run into a cave. There are tight walls all around and I know if I don't keep moving quickly I will be overcome by the water filling the cave. Find an opening in the cave, it leads to a building. Walking the hall, I turn around to look for Mom but can't see her anywhere. I pray and say I'm sorry I can't wait on Mom because if I do I'll die. I keep going.

I find a door at the end of a hallway and open it. I find myself standing in a yard with guys pointing video cameras. They say they need to turn it off before more people get hurt. I look at them, madder than ever, and ask them if it was all set up for a stunt show. They tell me no, it was all real, but they wanted to document it.

That is when I woke up.

There was also something in the beginning about being in some dark building or restaurant in the old days, like wood and a saloon/restaurant or something. For some reason all that is a blur of a memory.

I honestly don't know what is wrong with me. I am not taking any medication, so that isn't what is causing my strange dreams.

The last few days I've felt very strange. Lower back pains made me think maybe I was getting a kidney stone. Then I began to feel like I was swollen. My stomach muscles hurt as bad as right after I had Layna, complete with pain when I sit down. Then began the light headedness, dizziness, lack of focus, not being able to keep my balance well. Yesterday it was so bad I couldn't remember if I had eaten lunch or what I ate, then when I went to Walmart I couldn't remember where I parked.

Stress is getting to me, I know that much. And gaining weight like crazy isn't helping either. I weight as much, if not more, now than when I was pregnant with Layna!

We did take a walk in the park yesterday. We stopped and played on the playground, took some pictures here and there, and I felt great. Get in the car, the dizziness returns, along with the forgetfulness at Walmart.

Praying that it will get better, but not sure where to even begin to make it any better! Praying that it will all just go away soon......

Including the strange dreams.

Randoms

1) I am so far behind on my blogs. I really should catch up, but an 11 month old takes a lot out of you!

2) My daughter LOVES Thomas and Friends, but it bothers me that all the merchandize and commercials are geared towards boys. Girls like him too, and there are girl trains as well!

3) I have been extremely tired today. I took a bath and just about fell asleep while reading in the tub.

4) I sit my child down in the floor to play and she immediately crawls right back to me.  :/

5) When she sits in my lap all she wants to do is rock. She has to stand on my legs facing me, grab my thumbs, and rock back and forth. Continually. All the time.

6) She likes music, but especially "All About The Bass" and "Wagon Wheel", the latter of which she falls asleep to.

7) When she hears a song she likes she rocks back and forth.

8) She has yet to crawl over to the Christmas tree and mess with it, thank goodness! Beings its a real tree, though, she can't knock it over.

9) I am depressed that I can't go out and buy her a bunch of stuff for Christmas, even though she won't know it.

10) I'm also struggling to figure out how to pay for her birthday party, two weeks after Christmas.

11) She is still taking two naps a day, and I try to take one in the afternoon when she does.

12) I really want to go look at Christmas lights!

13) I shouldn't end on 13.

14) I am making chili for supper tonight. Just wish I had snow to go with it.

Depression and the Holidays

Have you ever wanted to cry, but your head hurt so bad you couldn't?

Yeah, that's where I am right now.

I have always been one to preach "Be happy with what you have." I am not about material things, although I am sentimental.

But this year something has changed.

Not only do I have a child to think about, but I have no job.

Yes, I have a job; SAHM. That doesn't pay bills, though. That doesn't buy my daughter Christmas presents, then two weeks later give her a great 1st Birthday party. That doesn't get me a new laptop because mine is a POS and I need a better one to work on my photography with. That doesn't get us out of this sewage-filled back yard bug ridden trailer.

I'm not even sure I can get Layna a Christmas tree, much less where to put it in this tiny living room.

I have always worked. I have always had money to be comfortable with. I have no money to my name now. I hate this feeling.

It hurts me to hear all these people talking about buying this and doing that, and all I can do is sit here with Layna all day. I can't afford $5 a day to walk at the Rec Center, or $45 for a dress or new toy for Layna, or buy a new car or take a vacation.

Its not that I don't want to work. I don't feel right at all not working. After working 7 days a week at a factory before having Layna, doing nothing makes me feel worthless.

But it's not for not trying. I have put in applications at different places with no success. I did turn down one, but it was because it was part time and low pay all my check would have gone to daycare for Layna so I could work. I had a full time temp job that they said I did great at, but they didn't hire me when the time came.

I feel like an absolute failure. Like I'm not even worthy to be Layna's mom.

Then the jealousy of my boyfriend getting to do something that I have wanted to do since I was little has gotten the best of me, too. He isn't even a Tennessee fan, but he got to go the football game, and yet again, I just got to sit at home doing nothing. I have been a UT fan since Johnny Majors was a coach, since Andy Kelly was the star quarterback. I have always wanted to go to Neyland Stadium. When I was little I wanted to go to school at UT; I wanted to play basketball, and when I realized I sucked at it, I then wanted to be in The Pride of the Southland Band, forming that big T on the field.

I have come to learn that dreams are just that - dreams. At least in my case that's all they are.

Now I just need to learn how to stop dreaming.

And realize that what I have is what I have and I'll never have anything else. I must learn to make due with what I have (or don't) have.