Get Down With The Sickness

We are sick in this household.

I have the flu. I think daddy is getting it. And Layna? Well, I'm not sure.

She was running a high fever last weekend, and got over that, but now she's fussy, and Monday, Tuesday, and today she has thrown up and had a horrible diaper spell.

Today has been a fussy day all day, and tonight it even worse.

Got Layna to bed. I started feeling very nauseous when I put her in her crib, so I decide to take a half a phenegran pill, because it was the "I'm about to have a panic attack" nauseous, and I needed it to go away.

Take my pill, lay down to relax and let the panic feeling pass, and guess who wakes up screaming! I go in and pick her up to soothe her, and she falls immediately asleep. I know putting her in her crib is going to be pointless, so I took her to bed with me.

She's out on my chest, and the pill kicks in. I can't stay awake! I'm struggling to hold my eyes open and not let her go; when I take phenegran it knocks me out and I'm not as aware.

Here I am fighting it, which isn't helping my tummy. Daddy finally comes home and I ask him to take her to her crib. Guess what? She woke back up fussy, and he brought her to me.

So it is now 11:36pm, I'm rocking her in my glider, and debating trying the crib again. I think she wants me to hold her, and I love these snuggle moments, but I am SO sick! I need rest too. I have no voice. My throat is raw. I am weak. These meds the doc wrote for me aren't helping me one bit.

I sure hope the sickness passes out of this house SOON!

*Update - Just laid her down and so far she's sleeping well in her own crib. Let's pray she stays that way!

Decisions

We've been here before. It seems as though things haven't changed. Still doing/selling drugs, still hanging around with the wrong crowd, still disrespectful.

I thought that the time apart would change things. I though you would grow up. But, just like before, you put everything before what is more important.

Your priorities are in the wrong place. Instead of supporting your family, you support your drug habit. Instead of spending time with your child, you spend time running drugs and hanging out with your friends. Instead of telling someone you love them, you avoid them at all costs and stay away from them, only coming around to eat and sleep.

You never compliment, you never support, you never appreciate. You take for granted, you do as you please, you don't care about anyone but yourself.

There comes a time when someone has to grow up. When someone has to put things in perspective and decide what is more important, what is the right thing to do, what is best for themselves and their child.

I have come to that decision. The funny thing is, you take it for granted. You think I'm gonna put up with your mental, emotional, and verbal abuse. You take for granted the fact that I am going to be here no matter what you do.

Well, guess what! MY daughter deserves better than that. MY daughter deserves someone who is going to love her, cherish her, do anything humanly possible for her, and treat her mother the same. She does not need to see her mother cry, yell, get upset, get sick, because of you.

She needs to know that she is more important than your drugs, your friends, your video games.

She needs someone who will spend time with her, take her places, hold her, love her. Take her to church, help her to understand God's love and how to live a God filled life.

Hold her when she cries, and not be the cause of her tears.

I deserve not to be yelled at when I am upset with you because you come home high, 4-5-6-7 hours after you got off work, when I'm already in bed, when I've worked all day taking care of my child, cleaning, and shopping for the food you eat and the toilet paper you wipe your butt with.

I deserve someone who will lift me up, not tear me down. I deserve someone who will treat me with respect, and as if I mattered, not just another obstacle to overcome to do what you want to do.

If you can't look someone in the eye and tell them exactly why you love them, then you need to rethink the relationship. You can't even say "I love you"! And no, actions don't speak louder than words when your actions are disrespectful and hateful.

So here we are, back at the same place we were at almost the same time two years ago. Except this time its different. This time it doesn't hurt as bad. This time there is more than just me that is affected by your attitude and selfishness. And this time it will be a lot easier to walk away.

Now you have to decide what you want. Watch us walk away for good, or do something about it.

Not So Sweet Dreams

So its been a while since I posted. Having a now one year old, and the holidays, and her birthday, have really worn me out! But hey, she woke up this early a.m. for a bottle, so technically I get to write "over a bottle" again! Not that that is good, I'd rather be asleep.

Which brings me to my dream. I have been having some far out there crazy dreams lately. This one has been no exception.

Not sure how I slept long enough to dream, what with the fish out of water flopping in the bed, but I did. It was so scattered and crazy!

There was a moment where I was in a yard doing something to a tree and this guy drives by and says I'm acting suspicious, and I tell him its my cousin's house and I'm straightening things up for them while they are gone. Which prompts me to driving.

Driving in the dark in the rain, people walking in the middle of the road. Daylight and seeing Angela Vaughn and her son walking down the road, which prompted me to go to my mom's office to call her and ask her why she was walking.

Get to the office and its totally different. White walls, open everywhere, Mom at a small desk instead of her office (the old one she had, with the wood paneling and all). There are a ton of new people there and they are all acting funny because I am there. Somehow I try to get a job with some other people, and I thought I had the job....I didn't get it. The office changes back and I ask Mom why and she said because we didn't like it.

Drive with mom to somewhere, pass a neon orange house high on a hill for sale, try to look it up on Zillow to see how much it is. Pass a gated community in a dip on the side of the road, each house/shack is built over a pool.

Somehow end up without a car, in water. We are at a huge dam and this guy is there. He asks if everyone is ready and that we have to get close to the dam wall before he let's it open. I get sucked under and go down down down. He and Mom come after me, and I look up at them saying "help help". They grab my hands and swim me to the surface.

The dam opens and we go sliding down this dirt hill, no water. We turn to look back to make sure everyone has come down before the guy lets the dam go, and he lets it go (there's a fire ball behind it?) before everyone gets down. I don't see Mom, but I know I have to run before the water overtakes us.

I run, and end up having to run into a cave. There are tight walls all around and I know if I don't keep moving quickly I will be overcome by the water filling the cave. Find an opening in the cave, it leads to a building. Walking the hall, I turn around to look for Mom but can't see her anywhere. I pray and say I'm sorry I can't wait on Mom because if I do I'll die. I keep going.

I find a door at the end of a hallway and open it. I find myself standing in a yard with guys pointing video cameras. They say they need to turn it off before more people get hurt. I look at them, madder than ever, and ask them if it was all set up for a stunt show. They tell me no, it was all real, but they wanted to document it.

That is when I woke up.

There was also something in the beginning about being in some dark building or restaurant in the old days, like wood and a saloon/restaurant or something. For some reason all that is a blur of a memory.

I honestly don't know what is wrong with me. I am not taking any medication, so that isn't what is causing my strange dreams.

The last few days I've felt very strange. Lower back pains made me think maybe I was getting a kidney stone. Then I began to feel like I was swollen. My stomach muscles hurt as bad as right after I had Layna, complete with pain when I sit down. Then began the light headedness, dizziness, lack of focus, not being able to keep my balance well. Yesterday it was so bad I couldn't remember if I had eaten lunch or what I ate, then when I went to Walmart I couldn't remember where I parked.

Stress is getting to me, I know that much. And gaining weight like crazy isn't helping either. I weight as much, if not more, now than when I was pregnant with Layna!

We did take a walk in the park yesterday. We stopped and played on the playground, took some pictures here and there, and I felt great. Get in the car, the dizziness returns, along with the forgetfulness at Walmart.

Praying that it will get better, but not sure where to even begin to make it any better! Praying that it will all just go away soon......

Including the strange dreams.

Randoms

1) I am so far behind on my blogs. I really should catch up, but an 11 month old takes a lot out of you!

2) My daughter LOVES Thomas and Friends, but it bothers me that all the merchandize and commercials are geared towards boys. Girls like him too, and there are girl trains as well!

3) I have been extremely tired today. I took a bath and just about fell asleep while reading in the tub.

4) I sit my child down in the floor to play and she immediately crawls right back to me.  :/

5) When she sits in my lap all she wants to do is rock. She has to stand on my legs facing me, grab my thumbs, and rock back and forth. Continually. All the time.

6) She likes music, but especially "All About The Bass" and "Wagon Wheel", the latter of which she falls asleep to.

7) When she hears a song she likes she rocks back and forth.

8) She has yet to crawl over to the Christmas tree and mess with it, thank goodness! Beings its a real tree, though, she can't knock it over.

9) I am depressed that I can't go out and buy her a bunch of stuff for Christmas, even though she won't know it.

10) I'm also struggling to figure out how to pay for her birthday party, two weeks after Christmas.

11) She is still taking two naps a day, and I try to take one in the afternoon when she does.

12) I really want to go look at Christmas lights!

13) I shouldn't end on 13.

14) I am making chili for supper tonight. Just wish I had snow to go with it.

Depression and the Holidays

Have you ever wanted to cry, but your head hurt so bad you couldn't?

Yeah, that's where I am right now.

I have always been one to preach "Be happy with what you have." I am not about material things, although I am sentimental.

But this year something has changed.

Not only do I have a child to think about, but I have no job.

Yes, I have a job; SAHM. That doesn't pay bills, though. That doesn't buy my daughter Christmas presents, then two weeks later give her a great 1st Birthday party. That doesn't get me a new laptop because mine is a POS and I need a better one to work on my photography with. That doesn't get us out of this sewage-filled back yard bug ridden trailer.

I'm not even sure I can get Layna a Christmas tree, much less where to put it in this tiny living room.

I have always worked. I have always had money to be comfortable with. I have no money to my name now. I hate this feeling.

It hurts me to hear all these people talking about buying this and doing that, and all I can do is sit here with Layna all day. I can't afford $5 a day to walk at the Rec Center, or $45 for a dress or new toy for Layna, or buy a new car or take a vacation.

Its not that I don't want to work. I don't feel right at all not working. After working 7 days a week at a factory before having Layna, doing nothing makes me feel worthless.

But it's not for not trying. I have put in applications at different places with no success. I did turn down one, but it was because it was part time and low pay all my check would have gone to daycare for Layna so I could work. I had a full time temp job that they said I did great at, but they didn't hire me when the time came.

I feel like an absolute failure. Like I'm not even worthy to be Layna's mom.

Then the jealousy of my boyfriend getting to do something that I have wanted to do since I was little has gotten the best of me, too. He isn't even a Tennessee fan, but he got to go the football game, and yet again, I just got to sit at home doing nothing. I have been a UT fan since Johnny Majors was a coach, since Andy Kelly was the star quarterback. I have always wanted to go to Neyland Stadium. When I was little I wanted to go to school at UT; I wanted to play basketball, and when I realized I sucked at it, I then wanted to be in The Pride of the Southland Band, forming that big T on the field.

I have come to learn that dreams are just that - dreams. At least in my case that's all they are.

Now I just need to learn how to stop dreaming.

And realize that what I have is what I have and I'll never have anything else. I must learn to make due with what I have (or don't) have.

Ten Months Already?

It sure does not seem like it has been ten months since my little booger was born. It seems like it was only yesterday, yet at times it seems like it was so long ago. Funny how time does that, huh?

My passion is photography. I absolutely love doing it. I hate that I don't have the equipment that I need to take the pictures the way they really need to be taken....nor do I have the money to buy them.

I took Layna's 10 month pics this morning and was disappointed that they came out a bit blurry. I really need better lighting, reflectors, a proper backdrop stand....so many things. But really they aren't too bad. Its just the perfectionist in me that sees that blur from lack of light and it makes me mad.

I ended up taking her outside and got one good one, although I wish the chalkboard had been closer to her. Now that she is crawling very quickly, we have to snap fast before she tries to crawl away, which she did many times while trying to get one shot.

So these ended up not being the best, but they will do. Each time I do them I learn what to do for next time. I am hoping to get some Christmas pictures done soon. They will be fun and a challenge, as I have to find a place to do them and figure out the lighting sets for a few of the shots I want to do.

And then I have to think about Christmas cards! Oh goodness, I am gonna be a busy mommy. Wait, Christmas means presents, right? Gotta do that too. Not to mention that Layna's 1st birthday will be two weeks after Christmas!

Holy crap on a cracker!

Can I pray for some snow? 

Time Flies

I have been so busy and so stressed, where has the time gone?

I don't know if anyone is even reading my blog anymore, and that's ok. If anything, it'll be here for my absent mindedness to go back and read over and remember things.

We've done a lot since the last post. I got my eyes checked and got new glasses for the first time in about 7 years or so. It feels good to see again, but it hurt paying that $250 when we don't have money to spend, and I should be spending it on Layna.

Speaking of which, I did something I said I'd never do....I bought her a new pair of Nike shoes. In my defense, they were on sale from $41 to $27, so it was a fairly good buy. Fairly I say because even at $27 that's outrageous for an infant pair of shoes that isn't even as big as my hand! But....she is getting to the age where she's pulling up and walking, and I want a good pair of shoes on her feet, especially since she likes to curl her toes up a lot. She needs a hard bottom to flatten those toes out. I just pray she can get some good use out of them and wear them a good while before she grows out of them. Another "in my defense", we did look at a lot of shoes Wednesday in the 'boro and all the tennis shoes were outrageously priced for her, so I did get a pretty good deal.

While in the 'boro, Layna got to ride her first two coin operated rides in the mall. The train she wasn't so thrilled about because it didn't do much, but when she got in the car she held on to the wheel and smiled almost the whole time! She didn't fuss or want out or anything. That's my big girl.

Her first Halloween was a cold wash out. We went to the drug store to see the ladies, but none of them were there. Then we went to get our free picture made at Studio Verabella, where it started raining while we were there. We ran to the car and just went home. No trick or treating for us. Maybe next year.

We went today to a craft show and I got her a Christmas sock monkey and an angel bracelet. Nothing for myself. I was disappointed that the lady with the Christmas ornaments she usually personalizes wasn't there....I wanted either a couple, for Bugz and I, or the family, for the three of us. Now I'll have to order online. Darnit.

Layna hasn't been sleeping through the night anymore, where she had been for a few weeks. She fell asleep tonight at 6:15, so she'll probably be up by midnight. Its 7:52 now. Thinking I might need to go to bed and get a bit of sleep. I've been sick all day; sore throat, stuffy/runny nose, headache, body ache. But I did clean the kitchen! Haha!

Layna turns 10 months tomorrow. Yes, the time does fly. And we must try to enjoy every moment of it.