Downward Spiral

Sometimes its best to keep your opinions to yourself. If your intent is to make someone feel bad, then maybe you need to think about why you want them to feel bad.

Is it your place to judge why they are in the position they are in? Is it your place to tell them what to do? Unless it is your child, who isn't old enough to make their own decisions, or someone who works under you and you are their boss, then no, you have no right to tell them what to do.

Yes, you can be concerned. Its everyone's nature to be concerned.

I was judged quite a few times this weekend, and yes, I feel horrible about it. I also feel unfairly judged. Its one thing to choose to do or not to do something out of laziness. Its another thing to do something because you feel its the right thing to do at that time in your life.

Yes, I want to work. Yes, I want to provide the best life for my daughter.

At the same time I want to be here for her. I see how the world is today. You can't trust anyone, the school systems are horrible. I don't have built in mommies and grandmommies that can watch her while I work. I don't have brothers or sisters that can help out. I have in-laws, but they have their own children and their own jobs.

Right now, my place is with Layna. I truly believe that. Are we struggling? Yes. Are we broke? Yes. But Layna has everything she needs, and that's all that matters right now.

I have put in applications at various different places with no luck, so its not for a lack of trying.

People have told me that I need to go into photography. I would absolutely love to do that, but the problem is there are already SO many self-proclaimed photographers out there it's not even funny! I alone have six or seven friends on Facebook that do their own side photography business. How do you compete with that? And against your friends? There are so many now that a lot of the commercial photography studios have gone out of business, like the ones in Walmart, and even Olan Mills in Tullahoma (wasn't that the one?)

When the perfect opportunity falls in place, I will jump on it, and I will know if its the right thing or not.

Sunday Confessions

I thought for a while what I wanted to write about today, and it was as if it was handed to me. Various signs here and there all day.

I did not plan on having Layna. She was a complete accident. But she was a blessing.

She drives me nuts at times, like when I need time to myself to just relax and all she wants to do is fuss, or when I need to sleep and she wakes me up at 2am and then again at 6am, and Daddy's alarm goes off at 4am.

But I honestly don't know what I would do if I didn't have her. Her Grammy Sue said it the other day, "What did we ever do without her?"

I have mentioned before that my pregnancy was different from most people, and that I really don't feel like I was ever even pregnant. I look at Layna and think, "Is she really mine?" Now I add to that "Was she ever that small?" when I pack away her 0-3 clothing she has outgrown.

Although I never wanted to be a mom, I now am, and I wouldn't give anything to not have her. If her biological father or his mother decided to fight for her, I would sell everything I own to hire a lawyer to make sure they don't get her. I'd almost go so far as to say that I'd sell my soul to the Devil if it meant I'd get to keep her, but I don't want to go to Hell, so I trust that God will give me what I need when that time comes, if it does.

I love my daughter. So much so that it is VERY hard for me to let someone else hold her. Its not a trust issue; for the most part I trust everyone that holds her. Strangers I am a bit leery about. No, its more of the "I don't want to let her go, I always want her in my arms" syndrome. At home I'm ok putting her in the floor, letting her play. I do have a hard time at night putting her down in her crib instead of snuggling with her. But when we are somewhere and everyone else is holding her, even Daddy, I get anxious. I want her back.

Today it hit me as to partly why I am this way.

I saw where a man from Manchester passed away Friday. I did not know him, but there was a Facebook page set up to keep track of his progress with his battle with Cancer. He was diagnosed in April of this year. August 8th his wife gave birth to a beautiful baby girl. August 29th he passed away. He was only 40.

I was 24 when my mom died. I am an only child, and I was very close to my mom. I took it extremely hard. I ended up having health issues from the depression and had to quit my job. (Among other reasons that all happened at the same time.) When my mom passed, she was 48. She battled cancer off and on for 3 years.

Part of me is afraid that I am going to have cancer, like my mom, grandmother, grandpa, great aunts and uncles, and numerous cousins that have all had it or passed away from it. I don't want Layna to suffer through that. But if she has to, I want to spend as much time with her as I can. I want that for me, and I want that for her. I want her to remember her mommy as a loving mommy who always did what she could for her. I don't want her to be a "mommy's girl", but I want her to know how much I love her.

Another part is because of what I mentioned earlier; I have a hard time believing she's really mine, and I am afraid someone is going to take her away from me. I would flee the country if it meant I could get away from her dad and his mom if they wanted to take her away from me. I want to hold her tight, never let her go.

Is that being a bad mommy, not wanting to have her taken away? To always want to hold her?

My daughter is my life. I can't even bring myself to work because I don't want to leave her.

Maybe I need help. Maybe I need to learn how to let go.

Randoms

Time for another randomly thrown together blog, starting at 1:30am today.

1) It is way too hot! I am so ready for Fall and cooler weather!

2) I crocheted Layna a bonnet to go with a dress I picked up for her for Old Timer's Day. Now just have to go get some ribbon.

3) Layna just fell back asleep, maybe I should too, and finish this over the next bottle. Haha!

4) I love photography. I may not be good at it, I may not have all the proper equipment, I may not have professional training, but I get a thrill from capturing, editing, and printing that perfect picture. Its as if I obsess over it. Sometimes I strive to get and edit that perfect picture of Layna, as if she's not sitting there right in front of me. I guess its because pictures freeze time, they capture memories, they help us to remember. My mom hated having her picture taken, so there aren't that many that I can share with Layna of the grandma she'll never meet (till Heaven, that is). I want to preserve her life, so that it can be shared with her future generations. And so I can remember.

5) I have a tooth or two that desperately need to be pulled. With no dental, they will have to wait. My mouth is killing me, but those are also the last two teeth I have to chew with, I hate to lose them. All I'd have left are front teeth. I pray Layna doesn't get my bad teeth, like I got my mom's.

6) I hate making trips to places 30-45 minutes away for one thing, then turn around and go back. If you are going to drive that far, make a day of it.

7) I hate driving and riding in the rain. People's driving makes me very nervous on wet, slick roads.

8) I just had a drunk guy in Murfreesboro try to get in the car with Layna and I while Bugz was paying for gas. I really need to get my carry permit, although its legal for me to carry loaded only in the car now. Might have to start doing that.

9) I really wish I had a pool so I could jump in and relax on the days it's so hot you can't stand to even breathe outside.

10) If I had had an extra $100 this evening, I would have bought a new pair of boots at French's. Love me some Ariat boots! Bugz ended up with some and he likes them. I already have four pair. Layna doesn't have Ariat boots, but she does have four hard-bottom pair and two soft pair for when her feet get a bit bigger.

11) My child hates to have her face wiped off while and right after eating. She's gonna have to get over that.

12) What sense does it make to have a yard sale and have all the baby clothes marked $1 a piece, but the adult clothes .25cents?

13) I have the beginnings of a sore throat. Ugh.

14) I am the bargain queen! Well, kinda. When it comes to some things I am. I went to a thrift store Thursday and got Layna a $49 walker for $5, only thing wrong is dead battery. Also got her 12 articles of clothing, most for .25 a piece, including a Roxy swimsuit she can wear when she fits in a 2T. The most expensive was the dress seen below. Paid $5, looked the brand up online, and they sell for $40-60!!! Friday I went to a yard sale and got her four outfits and myself two shirts and a dress, all for $5. Today I went to another yard sale and got about 7-8 more outfits for her, including a Titans cheerleader outfit, and myself two shirts and a pair of Cato jeans for $5!! This evening we went to get Bugz some work boots. Went to the bargain room and found a pair of used Ariat work boots. One of the lace hooks was missing. They were asking $49.99, where brand new price was probably well over $100. I asked them if it could be fixed and they said yes. Gave us the name of a guy that could fix them, then knocked off $20!! So yeah, I love me a bargain!

15) Layna and I both just jumped at a loud clap of thunder, and now the rain is picking up. Time for some good sleeping!

Sunday Confessions

Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. It has been a week since my last confession.

But, yanno, even though it's only been a week, that is a week too long. We should be confessing every day, because we all sin in some way or another every day. Whether it be greed, anger, jealousy, gluttony, or some other sin, and believe me, there are plenty.

My sins today are jealousy, envy, and judgment. Well, not just those three, but the ones I'm gonna talk about anyway.

Yes, I am a jealous, envious person. I am jealous of those that have a lot of money. So much that they can throw it around like its no big deal. They have the big houses, fancy cars, flashy clothes. While I know some of them are probably living beyond their means (robbing Peter to pay Paul), they still have it all. Some of them are probably compensating for something; loss of family, insecurity from past hurts, growing up with nothing so thinking you have to have it all. And then there are those that brag about it, show it off. Those people I am the most jealous of.

Why? Because it seems as though the good people always finish last. The ones that try so hard and try to do what's right always end up at the bottom. I'm not a lazy bum like some of these people. Yes, I could very well go out and take any job I could find so that I can provide for my daughter. But you want another confession? I honestly think that I would have a mental breakdown if I had to be away from Layna for too long. I just don't think I could do it. So yes, I am envious of the people that have enough money to live comfortably without having to worry how they are going to get money for diapers and gas and even toilet paper.

I am also envious of those that have happy lives. I know that everyone has struggles that not everyone knows about, but there are just some people you can tell that they have a great relationship, that they love their job, that they are genuinely happy. I want that. I want to be happy. I have lost that somewhere along the way. Whether it be from being hurt so many times or from lack of money to be able to provide for my child, lots of factors add in to it all.

Yes, I am envious of the family that has the big house with the pool. Yes I am envious of the couple that love each other so much they can't live without the other, that they'd do anything for each other.

Where does the judgment come in? I have no right to say that these people, who have things better than I do, are stuck up, snobby, snooty, and whatever else comes up when you see them. While its true some of them may be, acting like they are too good for their own family and former friends, showing off what they have or how much they have, it is not my place to judge them. Even though I sometimes do.

In the end, it doesn't matter, though, what we have, how much money we have, who we have by our side, its what is in our hearts that matters. If we don't have Jesus in our hearts, and God in our lives, we have nothing.

Zip. Zilch. Nada.

And only God can truly judge us by our actions, how we treat others, who we take care of when its most important. We do not get to Heaven on our good deeds, but without Jesus and forgiveness, our bad deeds can surely get us to Hell.

So Father, please help me to work through my sins. Help me to understand that I don't need a fancy house, just a clean one. Help me to see that I don't have to have a brand new shiny car, just one that runs well and gets me to where I need to go. Help me to accept that I am who I am, and that my life is in Your hands, and that You don't care how I dress or how much money I have, You love me anyway. And please help me to not judge others, because even though it is hard to admit, everyone does it, and its that judgment that hurts us all in the end.

Sunday Confessions

I confess that today, this Sunday, I miss going to church. I miss my church family, even though it was for the best that I leave the church. We have yet to pick another one, although we have one we like, but it's too far away with no gas money. I am ready to find a church and get back in the Sunday routine.

I also confess that I am a crazy person. I love my daughter, but sometimes she drives me SO nuts that I need a break from her. But what do I do on my break? Wish I was with her. I don't like being away from her, even though I need that break sometimes.

My last confession; if you read it, and it doesn't apply to you, yet you are hurt/offended/insulted by it, then maybe you need to think about why. Are there things that you need to change as well? Just like when you go to church and the preacher starts preaching, and you start feeling guilty. Why? He (or she) isn't preaching directly to you, didn't call out your name. Because you know you do/relate to what is being said. Because you know it applies to your life in some way. So think about it. Where do your priorities lie?

Today I went to pick up some things I won off of the .50 Auction site. I was amazed at the crowd of people in the HS parking lot. I got Layna a toy for $2 and a pair of cute little boots for $1.50. I am thinking I might try and sell some stuff, but not sure if it would be worth it, .50 here and there. But....any money will help.

More Randomness

1) I closed out my checking account because they were charging me, and I couldn't afford a $6 fee every month when I have no income. This is a good thing, though. I see SO much on eBay and etsy I want, and now I have no way to pay for it. I also can't use a Redbox now, as you have to have a credit/debit card to rent, and now I don't.

2) Why are there SO many cute shoes for babies Layna's size, and why are they so expensive? I mean, she's not walking yet, so they are for looks only. Why pay so much for shoes she'll only wear a short time? They are so stinking cute tho.

3) I got banned and blocked from a Facebook group last night. A majority of the people seemed really helpful, positive, encouraging. But all it takes is one jerk to ruin it all. But....its their loss. They won't get to see the awesome crochet work I do.

4) I am hungry, but my child won't let me put her down. She's asleep, but when I lay her down she wakes and cries.

5) My child was not created under the best of circumstances, but I'm so glad she's here now.

6) I have a TON of Tony Stewart stuff for sale if anyone wants it.

7) I am sleepy.

8) I cannot sit around doing nothing, so it irritates me when I just sit with Layna. I love her, but sitting staring at the blank TV while I rock her drives me nuts. I want to be productive. Wash dishes, do laundry, crochet. Ok, mostly crochet.

9) I got fleas from my cousin's house.  :/

10) Layna feels clammy.

11) I need some wine.

12) Someone has been asleep since 4pm.
13) I cannot wait to go to a pumpkin patch this Fall. Maybe Grandaddy's Farm, or Lucky Ladd, beings I've never been to it. Or maybe both! Hayrides, slides, pig races, corn box, pumpkin picking, petting zoo. I'm getting excited!

14) Also craving pumpkin pie.

15) My 1500 calorie diet SUCKS!!!

16) I made Layna a sweater, and working on another one.

Randomness Returns

1) Watching "Annie" the original on DVD. I thought this was a kids movie, but they say GD a couple of times at the end. Wow.

2) I hate lies.

3) I hate mosquitoes.

4) I am so ready for Fall.

5) Some people just don't get it....if I unfriend you, don't try to add me back. I got rid of you for a reason.

6) People don't want you coming over to their house ALL the time, and late at night to boot.

7) My tooth hurts horribly.

8) I can't eat because my child is throwing a fit.

9) I still have no job, still have no unemployment money. Now have no food stamp money, and am completely broke.

10) On this diet, tuna fish is my friend. Not much else I can eat.

11) Really craving sweets.

12) Layna ate her supper outside tonight. Felt so good!