Monday, February 10, 2014

Who Do You Look Like?

At this 5:30am feeding, I have a lot on my mind. One stands out, tho (besides me being sick). 

I find it amusing, and sometimes irritating, that many different people can look at the same child and think so many different things. 

I am 34 years old, and to this day I have people do this to me. One set of people say I look just like my dad; sans beard. These people have known my dad for a long time. Then you have another set that say I look exactly like my mom. Yet again, they have known her forever. Then you have the ones that say I am a good combination of both. 

Now, I say the combination is the most accurate, although I have seen children where that is not the case. My BFF has two children; the oldest looks so much like her mom with just a few traits of her dad. The youngest? She is all daddy. Spitting image. He could never deny her! 

So what do I see when I look at Layna? Let me be honest, first. There is a question as to who her father is. I absolutely hate admitting that, but it's true. At first there was no doubt, because the estimated conception date was the first time I had been with the loser that is out of the picture. As the pregnancy progressed and ultrasounds kept saying she was further along (tho the doc wouldn't admit it) then there became the doubt. If she indeed was older than they originally thought, then she belongs to current acting daddy. When she was born 19 days early, that really threw the doubt in there (she came out full term weight). 

 That now being confessed, I see many things. There are days that I think she looks like my dad, especially with the ears. You can take my newborn picture and hers and we look identical. There are a few times when I look at her and see current daddy, especially while her eyes are blue (so are his). And then there are those times, more often than not, that she looks exactly like the loser.

Am I making myself see the loser because I'm so afraid the tests are going to say he is her father? Or is he really and I can see that? And if that's true then am I making up the times I think she looks like current daddy because I really want her to be his? 

Most people when they see Layna say she looks exactly like me. A few have said she looks like my mom (which I have yet to see myself). Only one person knew the loser (he was only around a month) and she said that as soon as she saw Layna she immediately thought she looked like him. Then you have current daddy's family, who say they can see him in her. 

So does the mind play tricks on us? Do we see what is there, or what we want to see? We already know everyone sees things differently. Who is right? Who is wrong? 

We will have results in two weeks. These are going to be a horrible, long two weeks. 

BTW, it is now 6:35am and baby girl won't sleep....and I'm eating cotton candy out of a plastic tub. 

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